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The Joke Thread: Feel free to add yours, doesn't have to be football related

Discussion in 'Plymouth' started by WestCountrylalala, Sep 28, 2011.

  1. WestCountrylalala

    WestCountrylalala Active Member
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    I will start this one off <ok>


    Do you fart in bed? If this story doesnt make you cry for laughing so hard, Let me know and Ill pray for you.
    This is a story about a couple who had been happily married for years. The only friction in their marriage was the husbands habbit of farting loudly every morning when he awoke. The noise would wake his wife and the smell would make her eyes water and make her gasp for air. Every morning she would plead with him to stop ripping them off because it was making her sick. He told her he couldnt stop it and that it was perfectly natural. She told him to see a doctor, She was concerned that one day he would blow his guts out. The years went by and he continued to rip them out. Then one christmas day morning, as she was preparing the turkey for dinner and he was upstairs sound alseep, She looked at the innards, neck, gizzard, liver and all the spare parts, and a malicious thought came to her. She took the bowl and went upstairs where her husband was sound alseep and gently pulling the bed covers back, She pulled back the elastic waistband of his underpants and emptied the bowl of turkey guts into his shorts. Some time later she heard her husband waken with his usual trumpeting which was followed by a blood curdling scream and the sound of frantic foot steps as he ran into the bathroom. The wife could hardly control herself as she rolled on the floor laughing, Tears in her eyes! After years of torture she reckoned she had got him pretty good. About twenty minutes later, her husband came downstairs in his bloodstained underpants with a look of horror on his face. She bit her lip as she asked him what was the matter. He said, " You were right love, All these years you have warned me and I didnt listen to you". What do you mean? asked his wife. "Well, you always told me that one day I would end up farting my guts out, and today it finally happened. But by the grace of God, Some vaseline and two fingers, I think I got most of them back in!!!....
     
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  2. mouldyoldgoat

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    A lady walks into Harrods.
    She looks around, spots a beautiful diamond
    bracelet and walks over to inspect it. As she bends over to look more closely, she unexpectedly farts.

    Very embarrassed, she looks around nervously to see if anyone noticed her little woops and prays that a sales person was not anywhere near.

    As she turns around, her worst nightmare materialises in the form of a salesman standing right behind her - Good looking as well. Cool as a cucumber, he displays all of the qualities one would expectof a professional in a store like Harrods.

    He politely greets the lady with, 'Good day, Madam. How may we help you today?

    Blushing and uncomfortable, but still hoping that the salesman
    somehow missed her little 'incident', she asks, 'what is the price of this lovely bracelet?'

    He answers, "Madam - if you farted just looking at it - you're going to **** yourself when I tell you the price!"
     
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  3. mouldyoldgoat

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    Before his marriage, Prince William said he didn't want the traditional fruit cake at his wedding.

    Prince Phillip said he didn't give a toss, he was going anyway!
     
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  4. mouldyoldgoat

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    Last night I reached for my liquid Viagra and accidentally swigged from a bottle of Tipex. I woke up this morning with a huge correction.
     
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  5. mouldyoldgoat

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    Some bastard's just pinched a pair of my wife's knickers off the washing line.

    She's not bothered about the knickers but she wants the 12 pegs back.
     
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  6. mouldyoldgoat

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    I'm in trouble now, the boss has just seen the last joke! :emoticon-0106-cryin
     
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  7. hp_bedoboy

    hp_bedoboy Active Member

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    Ever hear the one about the Three Stooges......The Admin., Heaney & The New World...:grin:
     
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  8. Plymborn

    Plymborn Well-Known Member
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    This man was walking down the road......and coming towards him " he couldn't quite believe what he was seeing" was this fellow walking along holding the flipper of a cute little penguin..........Hi what you doing with the penguin...........Oh I'm taking him to the zoo........and with that the man carried on his way.

    He thought to himself, that's a good thing to do,how unearth did the poor little penguin get on a busy road like this.

    The next day the man was walking down the same road again.......and low and behold there was this fellow again still with the penguin and holding his little flipper just like yesterday.

    The man was rather gob smacked and asked the fellow why he still had the little penguin........seeing that the zoo was only five minutes down the road.

    Hello said the fellow.......yes thats right ......we did go to the zoo.....but that was yesterday.........today we are going to spend the day in the park and if the weather stays fine were planning a trip to the seaside tomorrow.
     
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  9. Plymborn

    Plymborn Well-Known Member
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    In the days of the wild west 150 years ago........this cavalry scout was scouting ahead of his platoon checking out the territory ahead for any renegade groups of Indians.

    Checking the horizon ahead he thought he could see someone laying by the trail........he cautiously rode up to the spot with his rifle in his hand and found an old Indian laying next to the trail......the old man didn't look a threat, so the scout got down off his horse and knelt next to the old Indian and asked him if he was OK.

    The old Indian started muttering in a low voice.........the scout who had learnt a smattering of the local lingo listened to the old Indian who said..........Stagecoach,four horses,two white and two black,Stagecoach driver with gunman sitting next to him checking the trail ahead,five passengers,two women and two men and a little boy,piles of luggage on roof,going north-west at quite a gallop on this trail............the cavalry scout was amazed and full a admiration for this old Indian who had obviously honed his trekking skills to such a high level by just laying next to the trail ............he himself had been scouting for the US Cavalry for twenty five years and he thought he was good at his job.........but compared with this old Indian he knew literally nothing about scouting and wished he could be as good as this old Indian.

    The old Indian started talking again...........aren't you going to help me up and help me catch my pony..........the scout was a little puzzled by this and asked the old indian what he meant.............the old Indian said.........you don't think I'm laying down here for my health do you..........ever since you whitemen came driving through our territories its become damn dangerous......stagecoach passed this way fifteen minutes ago and knocked me off my pony...........damn roadhogs.
     
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  10. WestCountrylalala

    WestCountrylalala Active Member
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    <laugh> mouldy, yours are my kind of funnies esp the one about prince Philip - even though I've heard it before, still made me laugh!
     
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  11. Plymjools

    Plymjools Active Member
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    I treated the wife to one of those "fish pedicures" the other day and I must say I was very pleased with the result.
    Those piranhas dont **** about !
     
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  12. mouldyoldgoat

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    Gat poo you must tell me where I can get one of those pedicures for my beloved.
     
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  13. Plymborn

    Plymborn Well-Known Member
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    Gat-po............do they call her stumpy now,..............now she hasn't a leg to stand on..................from what I've heard they are a good way to pass on infections if not properly supervised .
     
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  14. mouldyoldgoat

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    A father watched his young daughter playing in the garden.

    He smiled as he reflected on how sweet and pure his little girl was.

    Tears formed in his eyes as he thought about her seeing the wonders of nature through such innocent eyes.

    Suddenly she just stopped and stared at the ground.

    He went over to her to see what work of God had captured her attention.

    He noticed she was looking at two spiders mating.

    'Daddy, what are those two spiders doing?' she asked.

    'They're mating,' her father replied.

    'What do you call the spider on top?' she asked.

    'That's a Daddy Longlegs,' her father answered.

    'So, the other one is a Mummy Longlegs?' the little girl asked.

    As his heart soared with the joy of such a cute and innocent question he replied, 'No dear. Both of them are Daddy Longlegs.'

    The little girl, looking a little puzzled, thought for a moment, then lifted her foot and stamped them flat...

    'Well, we're not having any of that poofter **** in our garden' she said.
     
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  15. Plymjools

    Plymjools Active Member
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    A husband calls to his wife from the bedroom, "darling come and have a look at my clock" when she goes in she finds him laid on the bed with an enormous erection ....she says "that isn't a clock", he replies , with two hands and a face on it, it will be !.
     
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  16. WestCountrylalala

    WestCountrylalala Active Member
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    ...trust you to lower the tone GAT!!!!!!!!
     
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  17. mouldyoldgoat

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    During one of her daily classes a teacher trying to teach good manners,
    asked her students the following question:

    'Michael, if you were on a date having dinner with a nice young lady, how
    would you tell her that you have to go to the bathroom?'

    Michael said, 'Just a minute I have to go pee.'

    The teacher responded by saying, 'That would be rude and impolite.

    What about you Peter, how would you say it?' Peter said, 'I am sorry, but
    I really need to go to the bathroom. I'll be right back.'

    'That's better, but it's still not very nice to say the word bathroom at
    the dinner table

    And you, little Johnny, can you use your brain for once and show Us your
    good manners?'

    I would say: 'Darling, may I please be excused for a moment? I have to
    shake hands with a very dear friend of mine, whom I hope you'll get to meet
    after dinner.'

    The teacher fainted.
     
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  18. WestCountrylalala

    WestCountrylalala Active Member
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  19. Plymjools

    Plymjools Active Member
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    Excusy me Reidy I cleaned that joke up before I posted it on here !
     
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  20. sensiblegreeny

    sensiblegreeny Well-Known Member
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    I'm shocked......................... You should rename this thread Viz.
     
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