The Joke Thread: Feel free to add yours, doesn't have to be football related

As I forwarded the text I was laughing cos loads of my friends support them and I knew what their reaction would be .... still sent it though lol

 

You have friends who support manu??? SHAME ON YOU GAT!!!

 

You swear like a stoker and have mates who support Man U??????????? What next as an admission?

By the way,how many of these mates are from Manchester or have been to the ground on match day? As opposed to how many sit in their front rooms with a Man U shirt on and watch on TV.

 

Two Fish swam into a wall, the first one said nothing but the second one said "Damn!"

 

Oi Sensible you forgot something of your list of my attributes ....... I know some good rugby songs too

 

Not as naughty as a lower deck sod's opera though Gat.

 

A woman asks her husband at breakfast time, "Would you like some bacon and eggs, a slice of toast, and maybe some grapefruit juice and coffee?"

He declines.

"Thanks for asking, but I'm not hungry right now. It's this Viagra," he says."It's really taken the edge off my appetite."


At lunchtime, she asked him if he would like something. "How about a bowl of soup, homemade muffins, or a cheese sandwich?"

He declines.

"The Viagra," he says,"really trashes my desire for food."


Come dinnertime, she asks if he wants anything to eat. "Would you like a juicy rib eye steak and some scrumptious apple pie? Or maybe a rotisserie chicken or tasty stir fry?"

He declines again. "No," he says,

"it's got to be the Viagra. I'm still not hungry."



"Well," she says, "Would you mind letting me up?

I'm starving."

 

For Mrs Lala to keep in mind if she has any problems with her hotel bill.

The Hotel Bill

An elderly lady decided to give herself a big treat for her significant birthday by staying overnight in one of London's most expensive hotels.


When she checked out next morning, the desk clerk handed her a bill for £250.00.

She exploded and demanded to know why the charge was so high. "It's a nice hotel but the rooms certainly aren't worth £250.00 for just an overnight stop without even breakfast."


The clerk told her that £250.00 is the 'standard rate' so she insisted on speaking to the Manager.

The Manager appeared and forewarned by the desk clerk announced: "the hotel has an Olympic-sized pool and a huge conference centre which are available for use."
'But I didn't use them," she said.
''Well, they are here, and you could have," explained the Manager.

He went on to explain that she could also have seen one of the in-hotel shows for which the hotel is famous. "We have the best entertainers from Edinburgh, Glasgow, andAberdeen performing here," the Manager said.

"But I didn't go to any of those shows," she said.
"Well, we have them, and you could have," the Manager replied.

No matter what amenity the Manager mentioned, she replied, "But I didn't use it!"

The Manager was unmoved, so she decided to pay, wrote a cheque and gave it to the Manager.

The Manager was surprised when he looked at the cheque. "But madam, this cheque is only made out for £50.00." ''That's correct. I charged you £200.00 for sleeping with me," she replied.

"But I didn't!" exclaims the very surprised Manager.

"Well, too bad, I was here, and you could have."

Don't mess with Senior Citizens
PS to Mrs Lala, I am not saying you are a Senior Citizen!

 

A sailor walked in to a pub with a biscuit tin under one arm and a duck under the other. He put the tin down on the bar counter and put the duck on the tin and the duck started to tap dance and quack loudly. The landlord quickly realised what good investment this duck would be and bought the duck and biscuit tin, and the sailor then left to go to his hotel. Later that night the sailor was woken by the pub landlord who said"That bleeding duck is driving the missus mad as she can't sleep, how on earth do you stop that duck quacking and dancing?" The Sailor replied " Ah, I forgot to mention that. All you do is open the tin and blow out the candles."

 

A man walks into the pub with a toad on his head. 'What's that?' asks the barman. 'What?' says the toad, 'Oh, you mean this wart on my arse...'

 

My wife came home with a vibrator and started waving it at me screaming "I don't need you now" "I don't need you now"
I
I
I
I
V
Guess who had to put the batteries in !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

 

Wife asked her husband to describe her.
He said, 'You're A, B, C, D, E, F, G, H, I, J, K'.

She said, 'What does that mean?

He said:- Adorable, Beautiful, Cute, Delightful, Elegant, Fabulous, Gorgeous, Hot.

She said:-, Oh that's so lovely. What about I, J, K?
He said:- I'm Just Kidding....

 

Paddy was sat at the bar when the landlord noticed he'd finished his drink.

"Hey Paddy, you've got an empty glass there. Do you want another one?"

Paddy looked up and said "But what the *bleep* would I want with another empty glass?"

 

John O'Reilly hoisted his beer and said, 'Here's to spending the rest
of me life, between the legs of me wife!'

That won him the top prize at the pub for the best toast of the night!

He went home and told his wife, Mary, 'I won the prize for the Best
toast of the night'
She said, 'Aye, did ye now. And what was your toast?'
John said, 'Here's to spending the rest of me life, sitting in church
beside me wife.'

'Oh, that is very nice indeed, John!' Mary said.

The next day, Mary ran into one of John's drinking buddies on the street corner.

The man chuckled leeringly and said, 'John won the prize the other
night at the pub with a toast about you, Mary.'

She said, 'Aye, he told me, and I was a bit surprised myself. You
know, he's only been there twice in the last four years. Once he fell
asleep, and the other time I had to pull him by the ears to make him come.'

 

Not really a joke, but a Colemanballs topic e.g

"The bowler's Holding, the batsman's Willey" - Brian Johnston

"There's nothing wrong with the car except that it's on fire" - Murray Walker

"There goes Juantorena down the back straight, opening his legs and showing his class" - Ron Pickering

Who heard Ray Wilkins come out with the minor classic "the defeat by Manchester City really took the steam out of Tottenham's sails" this afternoon during the Spurs - QPR game?

Not much idea about marine propulsion young man.

 

Snow in the forecast! The TV weather gal said she was expecting 8 inches
tonight.
I thought to myself, fat chance with a face like that.

 

One for you Mrs LaLa.......

Jimmy who lived by himself bought a Parrot and a cage plus all the bits and pieces to look after the little fella, so to have some company whilst at home by himself.

After a day or so it became rather obvious that the Parrot swore like a trooper all the time, normally Jimmy wouldn't of been to bothered.

The problem was that in a week or so his elderly maiden Aunt was coming to stay for a few days ,so she could visit various Museums in Town.

So Jimmy thought he would try to teach the Parrot good manners and try to stop it swearing all the time.

He would talk to it politely, but to no avail.

Everytime it swore he would cover the cage as a punishment,but to no avail

He offered it little treats to be good,but after awhile it started swearing again.

He would let it watch bird documentaries on the TV as a treat to be good,but the moment it had finished it started swearing again.

Everything he tried eventually failed and Jimmy lost his rag, and in anger grabbed the parrot and threw it in the freezer.

The Parrot squarked away in the freezer for quite awhile, and eventually it could only managed a little squeak now and again........then it just went quiet.

After a time of hearing no noise at all from the freezer, Jimmy started to panic thinking that he had gone to far and opened the freezer.

The parrot flew out and clinged on to Jimmy screaming that he would be good and he would never swear again and would do anything that Jimmy asked him to do.

Jimmy was taken aback at this sudden change of attitude and thought great,a bit over the top throwing the little fella in the freezer but it seems to have done the trick.

The Parrot looked at Jimmy and said.......by the way what had the chicken done.

 

An oldie but goodie Plym

 

St James's maybe?

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A dog lover, whose dog was a female and in heat, agreed to look after and house her neighbour's male dog while they were away on vacation. She had a large house and believed that she could keep the dogs apart.

The first night, as she was drifting off to sleep she heard awful howling and moaning sounds. She rushed downstairs and found the dogs locked together, in obvious pain and unable to disengage.

Unable to separate them she panicked and called the vet. It was late and he answered in a very grumpy voice.

After having the problem explained to him, the vet said.

"Hang up the phone and place it alongside the dogs. I will call you back and the noise of the ringing will make the male lose his erection and be able to withdraw."

"Do you think that will work?" she asked.

"It just worked for me" he replied.