Match Day Thread The Match Day Thread of Broken Hearts, Tashgasms and Beautiful Solilquy.... Ft The Baggies

For a change I thought I would deliver the most comprehensive and objective view seen on a match day thread to date, as I despise the biased twats who wear different colour shirts than mine. I hope you agree (although I'm pretty sure you will agree, as you wear the aforementioned right colour shirt, and thus your brain does not resemble a child's portion of ice cream, after it has escaped the squalid confinement of the bowels of the doberman that pinched it from the kid. Don't worry, the kid used in this metaphor was not harmed, not that anybody really cares because his sloppy ice-cream-dog-diarrhea-brained parents supported Leyton Orient, or Bradford or something).

This match up sees the mighty Newcastle United take on the Tesco Baggies, so let's hope someone remembers to bring them because I'm not paying ****ing 5 pence for a Ben Foster for life, never mind one of these super deluxe Berahino's they're trying to flog for £30 million.

Did you know?:
Formed in ethylene polymers and named in honour of the sticky bags which litter all Mackem dogging sites, the Baggies are a veritable bunch of advertisement adorned tartlets, tattooed harlets, and cheap unabashed strumpets who burst as soon as you put a mars bar anywhere near them, but ironically will barely have started to think about decomposing long after human kind (and whatever Aston Villa's fan base has evolved into by then) are extinct.

Mike Ashley was interested in buying them at one point, as they have been forced upon more people than a BBC DJ's junk #marketing

Likely formation?:

--------------------------------Who cares?-------------------------

----------------Who cares?--------------------Boring-----

--Doesn't matter--------------------------------------------Brunt

-------------Zzzzzzzzinho---------------------------Pointlesss--------
--------I almost gave a ****------Someone from I wanna say Manchester?
-The new top gear line-up-------------------------------Anything David Cameron has ever said. Ever.

Bench:
Tedium, dullness, cloying, monotonous, synonym for boring.

Fixture History:
The Baggies usually get a result by playing awful, boring, park-the-bus style play, whereby their disrespectful use of constantly attacking our goal at will belies how superior we are in every department. Dirty bastards.

Ref: Some twat who won't give us all the decisions.

Mighty Undefeatable Newcastle United Last Time Out (ratings out of 10):

Rob "saves a ball like he makes love to a lady... hard and pushing her into a post" Elliot - 12.7
Darryl "floats like a butterfly, stings like the realization he's banging yo momma" Janmaat - Excellent
Chancel "the subscription to Goal magazine, because you'll never see one again in your life" Mbemba - 18
Coloccini - 8
Paul "voice of an angel" Dummett - X^14 - Y^2
"I don't know his first name so I'll guess at Gwendalyne" Saivet - 36
Jonjo "ever wonder what happened to Orcs after the fall of Suaron and Fifa's bazillion pound investment into the darkside of football" Shelvey - Outstanding
Mo "he cradles kittens in his shorts" Sissoko - A+
Wijnaldum -
Andros "The sexy wonderhulk" Townsend -
Ayoze "The Giant" Perez - ***** (five stars)

Prediction:
Jonjo, with wide-manic-eyes, storms around the battlefield like an agitated baboon and scores 15 goals like the spaghetti monster is playing Fifa as him on career mode.

 

So shaken as we are
So wan with care




I love a good soliloquy.

 

Seeing as it is you JPF I'll make this all sticky for you.

 

Better than anything Chippy has posted!

 

Has to be the best one yet....

 

Updated to include relevant facts, figures etc.

 

Anyone know if Doumbia can play on Saturday? Personally I'm sick of it all, sick of losing and sick of Tufty being clueless. If we lose or draw then we are going down for sure.

 

I'll bet it took you ages to write all that.

 

Much better than Albert's efforts. However I am a bit confused - is that their likely line-up or ours? Think this is a must win game - like all the others that we seem to lose or at best draw. Sneaky 2-1 to Newcastle - Pulis and McLaren in a touchline dust-up.

 

This is our line-up:


x....................x..............x...............x.x.........
.......x........x......xx................................x......
...........x..........x.....x..........x.........................
.x..............................Jonjo........................x
.......x.....x........x................x......x........x........
...........x.........,,.,,,x.................xx...............x

x= the scattered remains of Shelvey's foes.


Hope this clears it up

 

I couldnt be arsed to read all that, sorry. Too many words too close together. 1-0 to WBA.

 

1-2 to West Brom. Steve says we were tremendous, unlucky and won't go far wrong if we keep playing like that.

 

Sultanas

 

Both Lawro and Merse have predicted us to win so that's yet another nailed on sure fire loss.

 

Thankfully, now that those pesky defender types have got themselves injured or suspended, Steve can finally put out a more attacking team and score some goals

5 - 0 WIN....

 

And I thought CC was pessimistic.

 

Ok then, 7 - 0 is that better...

 

Well...I suppose so.

 

If any of you twats fancy a catch up for a pint before the game PM me. The bairns are ice skating so on me todd!

 

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