1. Log in now to remove adverts - no adverts at all to registered members!

Off Topic The offical: Jokes THREAD

Discussion in 'Liverpool' started by Garlic Klopp, Jan 13, 2014.

  1. Red Hadron Collider

    Red Hadron Collider The Hammerhead

    Joined:
    Mar 2, 2011
    Messages:
    57,485
    Likes Received:
    9,843
    It made me laugh the first 10 or so times I heard it <laugh>
     
    #2081
  2. Garlic Klopp

    Garlic Klopp Well-Known Member

    Joined:
    May 22, 2012
    Messages:
    16,341
    Likes Received:
    11,578
    please log in to view this image
     
    #2082
  3. moreinjuredthanowen

    Joined:
    Jun 9, 2011
    Messages:
    115,702
    Likes Received:
    27,602
    That is wierd ****.
     
    #2083
  4. Garlic Klopp

    Garlic Klopp Well-Known Member

    Joined:
    May 22, 2012
    Messages:
    16,341
    Likes Received:
    11,578
    They do tend to be weird cartoons on that site, but funny occasionally.
     
    #2084
  5. LuisDiazgamechanger

    Joined:
    May 31, 2011
    Messages:
    36,673
    Likes Received:
    6,683
    Q: How do you know who gives good blow jobs?

    A: Word of mouth.
     
    #2085
  6. LuisDiazgamechanger

    Joined:
    May 31, 2011
    Messages:
    36,673
    Likes Received:
    6,683
    . I got a new phone for Christmas today and while playing around with it I misplaced my old phone and couldn't find it anywhere. I asked my dad to call me so I could find it by sound. All of a sudden he starts yelling my name and then shoots me a **** eating grin and says, "what? You told me to call you." But before he even had a chance to laugh at his own joke my grandpa (his dad) yelled across the house, "he wanted someone to call his phone, not him!" Then proceeded to yell, "Phone!!! Phone!! Where are you!?" Then both of them busted out laughing while I sat there still with no phone :(
     
    #2086
  7. Red Hadron Collider

    Red Hadron Collider The Hammerhead

    Joined:
    Mar 2, 2011
    Messages:
    57,485
    Likes Received:
    9,843
    Riiiiiiiiiiight <yikes>
     
    #2087
  8. LuisDiazgamechanger

    Joined:
    May 31, 2011
    Messages:
    36,673
    Likes Received:
    6,683
    86,86,86
    A passer-by is walking down the street and sees a man jumping up and down on a manhole cover yelling "86, 86, 86". The passer-by asks the man, "Excuse me, but why are you jumping up and down on this manhole cover and yelling' 86, 86, 86'?"

    The man says, "Well, I can't tell you that, but if you really want to know, I can let you go under there and find out.

    The passer-by thinks for a moment, then his curiosity gets the better of him, and he says, "Okay."

    The man lifts the manhole cover, the passer-by steps into the manhole, and the man puts the manhole cover back and starts jumping up and down on it yelling "87, 87, 87"..
     
    #2088
  9. LuisDiazgamechanger

    Joined:
    May 31, 2011
    Messages:
    36,673
    Likes Received:
    6,683
    A rather attractive woman goes up to the bar in a quiet rural pub. She gestures alluringly to the barman who comes over immediately.
    When he arrives, she seductively signals that he should bring his face close to hers. When he does so, she begins to gently caress his beard, which is full and bushy.
    'Are you the manager?' she asks, softly stroking his face with both hands.
    'Actually, no,' he replies.
    'Can you get him for me? I need to speak to him,' she says, running her hands up beyond his beard and into his hair.
    'I'm afraid I can't,' breathes the barman, clearly aroused. 'Is there anything I can do?'
    ‘Yes there is. I need you to give him a message,' she continues huskily, popping a couple of fingers into his mouth and allowing him to suck them. 'Tell him,' she says, 'that there is no toilet paper or hand soap in the ladies' toilet.'
     
    #2089
  10. BobbyD

    BobbyD President

    Joined:
    Oct 25, 2013
    Messages:
    21,113
    Likes Received:
    16,156
    Breaking News - Toffees have signed Siggurdson as the Everton forwards asked to be serviced by a Gilf
     
    #2090
    Zanjinho and moreinjuredthanowen like this.

  11. Red Hadron Collider

    Red Hadron Collider The Hammerhead

    Joined:
    Mar 2, 2011
    Messages:
    57,485
    Likes Received:
    9,843
    That's Gina <yikes>
     
    #2091
    Milk not bear jizz likes this.
  12. kiwiqpr

    kiwiqpr Barnsie Mod

    Joined:
    May 11, 2011
    Messages:
    110,220
    Likes Received:
    214,686
    A man was dining alone in a fancy
    restaurant and there was a gorgeous
    redhead sitting at the next table. He had
    been checking her out since he sat down,
    but lacked the nerve to talk with her.********************Suddenly she sneezed, and her glass eye
    came flying out of its socket towards the
    man. He reflexively reached out, grabbed it out of the air, and handed it back.'Oh my, I am so sorry,' the woman said, as she popped her eye back in place. 'Let me
    buy your dinner to make it up to you.'**********************
    They enjoyed a wonderful dinner together, and afterwards they went to the theatre followed by drinks... They talked, they laughed, she shared her deepest dreams and he shared his. She listened to him with interest.*************************After paying for everything, she asked him
    if he would like to come to her place for a nightcap and stay for breakfast. They had a wonderful, wonderful time.************************The next morning, she cooked a gourmet meal with all the trimmings. The guy was amazed. Everything had been so incredible!*************************'You know,' he said, 'you are the perfect woman.. Are you this nice to every guy you meet?'

    'No,' she replies. . ..








    She said ... .....:
    'You just happened to catch my eye.'
     
    #2092
    Delusional Full Stop likes this.
  13. Garlic Klopp

    Garlic Klopp Well-Known Member

    Joined:
    May 22, 2012
    Messages:
    16,341
    Likes Received:
    11,578
    I've been diagnosed with a chronic fear of giants.

    Feefiphobia.
     
    #2093
    kiwiqpr and Number 1 Jasper like this.
  14. carlthejackal

    carlthejackal Well-Known Member

    Joined:
    Feb 15, 2012
    Messages:
    5,840
    Likes Received:
    1,715
    Hey?

    <yikes>
     
    #2094
  15. Red Hadron Collider

    Red Hadron Collider The Hammerhead

    Joined:
    Mar 2, 2011
    Messages:
    57,485
    Likes Received:
    9,843
    It's dribs. Worry not <laugh>
     
    #2095
  16. LuisDiazgamechanger

    Joined:
    May 31, 2011
    Messages:
    36,673
    Likes Received:
    6,683
    A woman came home, screeching her car into the driveway, and ran into the house. She slammed the door and shouted at the top of her lungs, 'Honey, pack your bags. I won the lottery!'
    The husband said, 'Oh my God! What should I pack, beach stuff or mountain stuff?' 'Doesn't matter,' she said. 'Just get out.'
     
    #2096
  17. Number 1 Jasper

    Number 1 Jasper Well-Known Member

    Joined:
    Jan 30, 2011
    Messages:
    24,143
    Likes Received:
    14,856
    How do you know when it's your sisters time of the month ?


    Your Dads cock tastes different .....
     
    #2097
    Milk not bear jizz likes this.
  18. LuisDiazgamechanger

    Joined:
    May 31, 2011
    Messages:
    36,673
    Likes Received:
    6,683
    Female Police Officer: "Anything you say can or will be held against you."
    Me: "Tits."
     
    #2098
    Number 1 Jasper likes this.
  19. Number 1 Jasper

    Number 1 Jasper Well-Known Member

    Joined:
    Jan 30, 2011
    Messages:
    24,143
    Likes Received:
    14,856

    Bit risky , but I thought why not post it anyway !
     
    #2099
  20. LuisDiazgamechanger

    Joined:
    May 31, 2011
    Messages:
    36,673
    Likes Received:
    6,683
    .The following supposedly a true story.
    This guy walked into a little corner store with a shot gun and demanded all the cash from the cash drawer. After the cashier put the cash in a bag, the robber saw a bottle of scotch that he wanted behind the counter on the shelf. He told the cashier to put it in the bag as well, but the cashier refused and said, "Because I don't believe you are over 21." The robber said he was, but the clerk still refused to give the scotch to him because he didn't believe him. At this point the robber took his drivers license out of his wallet and gave it to the clerk. The clerk looked it over, and agreed that the man was in fact over 21 and he put the scotch in the bag. The robber then ran from the store with his loot. The cashier promptly called the police and gave the name and address of the robber that he got off of the license. They arrested the robber two hours later.
     
    #2100

Share This Page