Off Topic The offical: Jokes THREAD

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Paddy is going really well on Who Wants to be a Millionaire.
He's got to £500,000 with all his lifelines.

Chris: OK Paddy, for £1,000,000 which of the following was one of the Great Train Robbers was it:-

Ronnie Biggs
Ronnie O'Sullivan
Ronnie Corbett
Ronnie Wood

Take your time

Paddy: I'll take the money Chris

Chris: Are you sure, you've still got 3 lifelines

Paddy: I'm sure Chris,I'll take the money

Chris: OK audience give him a big round of applause, but before you go Paddy I'm sure you'd like to know the answer.

Paddy: I know the answer Chris.

Chris: You know the answer? You've just turned down a million quid, are you mad? are you mental?

Paddy: I may be mental Chris but I'm no feckin grass.

 

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These are the best Andy Carroll attempted robbery jokes after the West Ham striker reportedly took his attackers on a high-speed chase back to the training ground following a confrontation with armed motorcyclists at a junction on his drive home.
The currently injured 27-year-old is said to have been pursued through the streets on his way back to Rush Green where he hoped to seek help on Wednesday.
Manager Slaven Bilić told the press earlier today:
He was brave because they asked for his watch with a gun and he put the pedal down and he didn’t want to give him the watch.
So for me it’s not about the watch, but for me that’s very brave.
He got chased for 15 or 20 minutes, it wasn’t like 10 seconds, so it was probably planned.
I know that he was very brave to do what he did.
He came back to the training ground and it stopped. But he’s good, he’s OK, he’s not in shock and he acted as a really brave man.
Shining a light where there is darkness, here are the best of the Andy Carroll attempted robbery jokes after news that the West Ham player was held at gunpoint:

 

My neighbour phoned me and said that my wife had hung herself on the washing line. Through the tears i managed to say ' if it rains, will you bring her in?'

 

So a woman was out golfing one day when she hit her ball into the woods.
She went into the woods to look for it and found a frog in a trap.
The frog said to her, "If you release me from this trap, I will grant you 3 wishes."
The woman freed the frog and the frog said, "Thank you, but I failed to mention that there was a condition to your wishes that whatever you wish for, your husband will get 10 times more or better!"
The woman said, "That would be okay," and for her first wish, she wanted to be the most beautiful woman in the world.
The frog warned her, "You do realize that this wish will also make your husband the most handsome man in the world, an Adonis, that women will flock to."
The woman replied, "That will be okay because I will be the most beautiful woman and he will only have eyes for me." So, KAZAM - she's the most beautiful woman in the world!
For her second wish, she wanted to be the richest woman in the world. The frog said, "That will make your husband the richest man in the world and he will be ten times richer than you." The woman said, "That will be okay because what is mine is his and what is his is mine."
So, KAZAM she's the richest woman in the world! The frog then inquired about her third wish, and she answered, "I'd like a mild heart attack."
Moral of the story: Women are clever. Don't mess with them!

 

Mechanic v Doctor Story
Allan, a mechanic, was removing a cylinder head from a Harley-Davidson motorbike, when he spotted a world-famous heart surgeon in his garage. The heart surgeon was waiting for the service manager to come and take a look at his bike.
Allan shouted across the garage, 'Hey Doc can I ask you a question?' The famous surgeon, a bit surprised, walked over to Allan. Allan straightened up, wiped his hands on a rag and asked, 'So Doc, look at this engine. I also can open hearts, take valves out, fix'em, put in new parts and when I finish this will work just like a new one. So how come I work for a pittance and you get the really big money, when you and I are doing basically the same work?'
The surgeon paused, smiled and leaned over and whispered in Allan's ear, 'Try doing it with the engine running.'

 

The last line speaks a thousand truths. He knows what he's talking about when it comes to women, does our Dribs.

 

I had a fight with my wife last night.

She asked me "is there anything on the TV?"

I replied "dust".

 

An old farmer went to town to see a movie. The ticket agent asked, "Sir, what's that on your shoulder?"
The old farmer said, "That's my pet rooster Chucky, wherever I go, Chucky goes."
"I'm sorry sir.", said the ticket agent, "We don't allow animals in the theater."
The old farmer went around the corner and stuffed the bird down his pants. He returned to the booth, bought a ticket and entered the theater. He sat down next to two old widows named Mildred and Marge.
The movie started and the rooster began to squirm. The old farmer unzipped his pants so Chucky could stick his head out and watch the movie.
"Marge", whispered Mildred.
"What", said Marge.
"I think this guy next to me is a pervert.", said Mildred.
"What makes you think that", asked Marge.
"He unzipped his pants and he has his thing out", whispered Mildred.
"Well, don't worry about it", said Marge, "At our age we've seen them all."
"I thought so", said Mildred, "But this one is eating my popcorn!"

 

Hippie in a Bar
This hippie walks into a bar, and thinks it's a restaurant. He walks up to the counter, and says to the barkeep, "I want a hot dog, not too hot, not too cold, but in the groove."
So the barkeep walks into the back room, and tells this to the manager, who is in a bad mood. The manager says, "Well, give him whatever he wants, then get him out of here."
The barkeep heads back into the main room, posing as a waiter. "Anything else," he questions. The hippie replies, "Yeah, I want a milkshake, not too thick, not too thin, but in the groove."
Again, the barkeep relays this to his manager, who is getting more frusterated as the night goes on. He yells, "Fine, I already told you, give him what he wants and get him out of here!"
So the barkeep returns to the hippie. "That was a hot dog and a milkshake, right?" "Yeah," the hippie says, "but scratch the hot dog. I want a hamburger, not to rare, not too more...

 

A Man Whispers to a Woman at the Bar.

"I'd love to fill your Fanny with Stella Lager and then drink it all down slowly''

The shocked Woman runs over to her Husband and tells him.

''Aren't you goin to kick the ****ing **** out of him''..??? She asks.
"No Way". he says.

''I'm not fighting any ****er, that can drink that much Stella''....!

 

"Hey Mate, your wife's on the phone, she said if you don't get out of the pub now the dog is getting your tea. "
"I'd better go, " I said, "I ****ing love that dog"

 

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Women Urinal

 

My mate said he caught his 14 year old son ****ing in the bath......
I said "What's wrong with that? It's natural for young lads to do that...."
He said "Not when the bath's still in ****ing B&Q it isn't!!!"

 

Bloke at a horse race whispered to me, "Do you want the winner of the next race?"
I said "No thanks mate, I've only got a small garden."