Off Topic The offical: Jokes THREAD

A young college co-ed came running in tears to her father. "Dad, you gave me some terrible financial advice!"
"I did? What did I tell you?" said the dad.
"You told me to put my money in that big bank, and now that big bank is in trouble."
"What are you talking about? That's one of the largest banks in the state," he said. "there must be some mistake."
"I don't think so," she sniffed. "They just returned one of my checks with a note saying, 'Insufficient Funds'

 

What's the best thing about shagging fat birds?
You are guaranteed a cracking breakfast in the morning

 

A girl asks her doctor,How many calories are there in sperm?. doctor,replies believe me dear,if you swallow,no one will care,how fat you are..

 

My Boss got a call from Head Office to tell him that two members of Staff have accused him of being Sexist.

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They didn't name names, but he's certain it was 'Jenny No Tits' and 'Betty Buffalo Arse'...

 

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A woman stopped by unannounced at her recently married son's house. She rang the doorbell and walked in. She was shocked to see her daughter-in-law lying on the couch, totally naked. Soft music was playing; and the aroma of perfume filled the room. "What are you doing?" she asked. "I'm waiting for my husband to come home from work," the daughter-in-law answered. "But you're naked!" the mother-in-law exclaimed. "This is my love dress," the daughter-in-law explained. "Love dress? But you're naked!" " My husband loves me to wear this dress," she explained. "It excites him to no end. Every time he sees me in this dress, he instantly becomes romantic and ravages me for hours on end. He can't get enough of me." The mother-in-law left. When she got home, she undressed, showered, put on her best perfume, dimmed the lights, put on a romantic CD, and laid on the couch waiting for her husband to arrive. Finally, her husband came home. He walked in and saw her laying there so provocatively. "What are you doing?" he asked. "This is my love dress," she whispered, sensually. "Needs ironing," he said.

 

Fattist

 

One night a police officer was staking out a particularly rowdy bar for possible DUI violations. At closing time, he saw a fellow stumble out of the bar, trip on the curb and try his keys on five different cars before he found his. The man sat in the front seat fumbling around with his keys for several minutes.
Meanwhile, all the other patrons left the bar and drove off. Finally he started his engine and began to pull away. The police officer was waiting for him. As soon as he pulled onto the street, the officer stopped him, read him his rights and administered the breathalyzer test to determine his blood-alcohol content.
The results showed a reading of 0.0.
The puzzled officer demanded to know how that could be. The driver replied, "Tonight I'm the designated decoy

 

my mate once asked me how I managed to shag so many fat bird....piece of cake

 

I like it, dribs

 

The Blonde and the Lawyer
A blonde and a lawyer are seated next to each other on a flight from LA to NY.

The lawyer asks if she would like to play a fun game?

The blonde, tired, just wants to take a nap, politely declines and rolls over to the window to catch a few winks.

The lawyer persists and explains that the game is easy and a lot of fun.

He explains, "I ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me $5.00, and vise versa."
Again, she declines and tries to get some sleep. The lawyer, now agitated, says, "Okay, if you don't know the answer you pay me $5.00, and if I don't know the answer, I will pay you $500.00."

This catches the blonde's attention and, figuring there will be no end to this torment unless she plays, agrees to the game. The lawyer asks the first question. "What's the distance from the earth to the moon?" The blonde doesn't say a word, reaches into her purse, pulls out a $5.00 bill and hands it to the lawyer. Okay says the lawyer, your turn.

She asks the lawyer, "What goes up a hill with three legs and comes down with four legs?" The lawyer, puzzled, takes out his laptop computer and searches all his references, no answer. He taps into the air phone with his modem and searches the net and the library of congress, no answer. Frustrated, he sends e-mails to all his friends and coworkers, to no avail. After an hour, he wakes the blonde, and hands her $500.

The blonde says,"Thank you", and turns back to get some more sleep.

The lawyer, who is more than a little miffed, wakes the blonde and asks, "Well, what's the answer?" Without a word, the blonde reaches into her purse, hands the lawyer $5.00, and goes back to sleep.

And you thought blondes were dumb.

 

A wife was making a breakfast of fried eggs for her husband. Suddenly, her husband burst into the kitchen. "Careful," he said, "CAREFUL! Put in some more butter! Oh my gosh! You're cooking too many at once. TOO MANY! Turn them! TURN THEM NOW! We need more butter. Oh my gosh! WHERE are we going to get MORE BUTTER? They're going to STICK! Careful. CAREFUL! I said be CAREFUL! You NEVER listen to me when you're cooking! Never! Turn them! Hurry up! Are you CRAZY? Have you LOST your mind? Don't forget to salt them. You know you always forget to salt them. Use the! Salt. USE THE SALT! THE SALT!" The wife stared at him. "What in the world is wrong with you? You think I don't know how to fry a couple of eggs?" The husband calmly replied, "I just wanted to show you what it feels like when I'm ****in driving."

 

. I refuse to drive my wife anywhere any more. Drives her nuts that I always make her drive... But it's because she is a ridiculous backseat driver.

 

Same.

Edit: She's also a terrible backseat Chef.

 

A welsh politician asked the government for information about UFO sightings and if it might fund UFO research. Officials wrote back, “jang vIDa je due luq … ach ghotvam’e’ QI’yaH devolve qaS.” Which means, “The minister will reply in due course. However, this is a non-devolved 
matter,” in Klingon.

 

He nervously inserted a finger: it felt warm and wet.

"I'm gonna need more than that," she said.

Taking a breath, he then put in 3 fingers.

"Go on, get your whole hand in," she demanded.

He wanted to please her, so he did what she said: he was really sweating now.

"It's no good, you'll have to put both hands in".

He closed his eyes & thrust forward with his other hand & she let out a scream.

"There you go, it's not that ****ing hard doing the washing up..!

 

Saudi Prince goes to Germany to study.

A month later, he sends a letter to his dad saying:

"Berlin is wonderful, people are nice and I really like it here,

but I'm a bit ashamed to arrive to school

with my gold Mercedes when all my teachers travel by train."

Sometime later he gets a letter from his dad with a ten million dollar check saying:

"Stop embarrassing us!

go and get yourself a train too!"

 

Why is the Catholic Church like Scooby Doo? There's a load of creepy old men in weird costumes scaring people with made up stories until they get arrested because of some pesky kids........

 

. Yeah mine is that too actually. If she walks in the kitchen whilst I'm cooking there is about a zero chance she will walk out without offering "a suggestion". I haven't barred her from the kitchen though because 10% of the time she has a legitimate idea or suggestion that was worth knowing.