Off Topic Just for Mr RAWhite

The cost of living has now gotten so bad that the wife is having sex with me because she can't afford the batteries.

 

Yesterday I found out that, in Amsterdam, it's illegal to f*ck a prostitute with a wooden leg.
Apparently it's better to use your penis.

 

this must be a first, a pic of Nacho without his motorbike..

 

My kids love hearing stories of when I was a kid in the 70s early 80s. Playing football in the street Great music BMX bikes bad haircuts breakdancing skateboarding etc. so I promised them a 70s 80s day yesterday . I made them sit in the pub garden all day with a shandy and a packet of smith’s crisps while I got pissed!!.

 

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Always liked our Neil.

 

Boris Johnson was visiting a Glasgow primary school and the class was in the middle of a discussion about words and their meanings.

The teacher asked Mr Johnson if he would like to lead the discussion on the word 'Tragedy'.

So the the prime minister asked the class if they could think of an example of a tragedy.

A little boy stood up and said, 'If my best friend is playing in the field and a tractor runs over him and kills him, that would be a tragedy.'

'Incorrect,' said Boris, 'That would merely be an accident.'

A little girl stood up and said 'If a school bus carrying thirty children drove over a cliff, killing everybody inside, that would be a tragedy.'

'I'm afraid not', said Boris, 'That's what we would call a great loss'.

The room went silent. No other kid volunteered. Boris searched the room.

'Isn't there someone here who can give me an example of a tragedy?'

Finally, little Johnny raised his hand from the back of the class and said, 'If a plane carrying you and all the Tory M.P.s was hit by a missile and blown to smithereens, that would be a tragedy.'

'Fantastic!' exclaimed Boris, 'And can you tell me why that would be a tragedy?'

'Well,' said little Johnny, 'It has to be a tragedy, because it certainly wouldn't be a great loss, and it probably wouldn't be a ****ing accident either'

 

New
Paddy , Seamus , and murphy wanted to get into the Olympics but the tickets were all sold out . Looking round they saw a construction site. Paddy said " Ive got a great idea " and proceded to share his idea with his friends . Paddy picks up a long piece of scaffolding , walks to the competitors entrance and says " Im here for the pole vault " and security let him in . Seamus finds a manhole cover and proceeds to the entrance and says " Im here for the discus .Murphy goes over to the entrance carrying a roll of barbed wire . The security guard asks " What are you here for ?" . Paddy replies " Fencing " . !

 

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A young couple moved into a new house. The next morning while they were eating breakfast, the young woman saw her neighbour hanging the washing outside. "That laundry is not very clean - she doesn’t know how to wash correctly. Perhaps she needs better soap powder." Her husband looked on, remaining silent. Every time her neighbour hung her washing out to dry, the young woman made the same comments. A month later, the woman was surprised to see a nice clean wash on the line and said to her husband, "Look, she’s finally learned how to wash correctly. I wonder who taught her this?" The husband replied, "I got up early this morning and cleaned our windows." So it is with life… what we see when watching others depends on the clarity of the window through which we look. So don’t be too quick to judge others, especially if your perspective of life is clouded by anger, jealousy, negativity or unfulfilled desires. Judging a person does not define who they are. It defines who you are.

 

What the hell did they do with the sofa?

 

I would have gone absolutely spare and called for the rest of the team to strike!