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What day of the week is it thread

Discussion in 'Wycombe' started by Guywanderer, Mar 15, 2020.

  1. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member
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    Research shows that there are 7 kinds of sex.
    The1st kind of sex is called: Smurf Sex.
    This kind of sex happens when you first meet someone, and you have sex until you are blue in the face.
    The 2nd kind of sex is called: Kitchen Sex.
    This is when you have been with your partner for a short time, and you are so needy you will have sex anywhere, even in the kitchen.
    The 3rd kind of sex is called: Bedroom Sex.
    This is when you have been with your partner for a long time. You still have sex – occasionally - and if you do, you only have it in your bedroom.
    The 4th kind of sex is called: Hallway Sex.
    This is when you have been with your partner for too long. When you pass each other in the hallway you both say, 'F*** you.'
    The 5th kind of sex is called: Religious Sex.
    Which means you get Nun in the morning, Nun in the afternoon and Nun at night. (Very Popular)
    The 6th kind is called Courtroom Sex.
    This is when you cannot stand your wife/ husband any more. He/she takes you to court and screws you in front of everyone.
    And; last, but not least,
    The 7th kind of sex is called: Pension Sex.
    You get a little each month. But not enough to enjoy yourself.
     
    #3961
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  2. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member
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    My Chinese pal said he’s just opened a Crows shop.

    I said you mean a clothes shop, he said no come in and have a rook.
     
    #3962
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  3. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member
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    A woman is very distressed because she has not been married very long and yet her husband has lost interest in her. So she goes to see her doctor and relays the problem.
    The doctor doesn't seem worried at all and tells her that it is nothing serious, that her husband has merely lost his animal instincts. The doctor tells her to crumble some dog biscuits on her husband's cereal every morning without telling him, and little by little this will bring out the savage beast in him. He wishes her good luck and tells her to come back in a week with a progress report.
    A week later the woman returns to the doctor, who asks how her husband is.
    "He's dead," she replies.
    "Dead?" the doctor asked.
    "Yes. He was sitting in the driveway cleaning his bum, and I backed over him with the car.''
     
    #3963
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  4. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member
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    Surely more people would call the Gambling Addicts Helpline if they made every 10th caller a winner?
     
    #3964
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  5. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member
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    A woman was very distraught at the fact that she had not had a date or any sex in quite some time.

    She was afraid she might have something wrong with her, so she decided to seek the medical expertise of a sex therapist. Her doctor recommended that she see Dr. Chang, the well-known Chinese sex therapist, so she went to see him.

    Upon entering the examination room, Dr. Chang said, "OK, take off all you crose." The woman did as she was told. "Now, get down and craw reery, reery fass to odder side of room." Again, the woman did as she was instructed. Dr. Chang then said, "OK, now craw reery, reery fass back to me." So she did.

    Dr. Chang shook his head slowly and said, "Your probrem vewy bad. You haf Ed Zachary Disease. Worse case I ever see. Dat why you not haf sex or dates."

    Worried, the woman asked anxiously, "Oh my God, Dr. Chang, what is Ed Zachary Disease?"

    Dr. Chang looked the woman in the eye and replied, "Ed Zachary Disease is when your face rook Ed Zachary rike your ass."
     
    #3965
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  6. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member
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    The police knocked the door late last night, and said.
    "Where were you at 20.05pm tonight?"
    I replied, "Well, as it happens, at 8pm I took the missus to the bedroom, for a bit of you know what."
    The missus shouted from the kitchen,
    "Yeah that's right, but f#ck knows where he was at 5 past!"
     
    #3966
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  7. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member
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    I went for a job interview to be an ice cream man.

    Didn’t get it as I couldn’t do Sundaes.....
     
    #3967
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  8. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member
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    Just bought a sweet car online.

    Previously owned by Neil Diamond.....
     
    #3968
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  9. Guywanderer

    Guywanderer Well-Known Member

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    Ooo ooo ooo
     
    #3969
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  10. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member
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    A pastor said to his congregation, “Someone in this congregation has spread a rumor that I belong to the Ku Klux Klan.
    This is a horrible lie and one which a Christian community cannot tolerate.
    I am embarrassed and do not intend to accept this.
    Now, I want the party who said this to stand and ask forgiveness from God and this Christian family.”
    No one moved.
    The preacher continued, “Do you have the nerve to face me and admit this is a falsehood?
    Remember, you will be forgiven and in your heart you will feel glory. Now stand and confess your transgression.”
    Again, all was quiet.
    And then comes the blonde moment.
    Then, slowly, a drop-dead gorgeous blonde with a body that would stop a runaway train rose from the third pew.
    Her head was bowed and her voice quivered as she spoke, “Reverend there has been a terrible misunderstanding. I never said you were a member of the Ku Klux Klan.
    I simply told a couple of my friends that you were a wizard under the sheets.”
    The preacher fell to his knees, his wife fainted, and the congregation roared.
     
    #3970
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  11. Ron

    Ron Well-Known Member
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    upload_2023-2-1_21-17-58.png


    If I could turn back time
     
    #3971
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  12. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member
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    Woke up this morning to find a spoon in my mouth, a tea bag in my left eye and milk in my right ear.

    I'm sick of being treated like a mug...
     
    #3972
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  13. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member
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    Their three kids, all successful, agreed to a Sunday dinner in their honor.
    "Happy Anniversary Mum and Dad," gushed Son No. 1.
    'Sorry I'm running late. I had an emergency at the hospital with a patient, you know how it is, and I didn't have time to get you a gift."
    "Not to worry," said the father.
    "Important thing is we're all together today."
    Son No. 2 arrived. "You and Mum look great, Dad.
    I just flew in from Sydney between depositions and didn't have time to shop for you."
    "It's nothing," said the father.
    "We're glad you were able to come."
    Just then the daughter arrived.
    "Hello and happy anniversary! Sorry, but my boss is sending me out of town and I was really busy packing so I didn't have time to get you anything."
    After they had finished dessert, the father said,
    "There's something your mum and I have wanted to tell you for a long time.
    "You see, we were really poor, but we managed to send each of you to college.
    Through the years your mum and I knew we loved each other very much, but we just never found the time to get married."
    The three children gasped and said,
    "WHAT? You mean we're bastards?"
    "Yep", said the father,
    "Cheap ones too..."
     
    #3973
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  14. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member
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    Just had some great financial news, couldn’t have come at a better time with the cost of living crisis

    The kid I sponsored in Africa has been eaten by a lion...
     
    #3974
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  15. Ron

    Ron Well-Known Member
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    "Manchester City's potential punishment remains unclear after the Premier League champions were charged with allegedly breaching more than 100 financial fair play regulations, but relegation is one of the potential extreme measures."

    Obviously that won't happen but it will be interesting to see what does. I would sack the accountant
     
    #3975
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  16. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member
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    Still reeling from the news that Tom Jones is the root cause of all domestic violence and is seemingly still free to wander the streets.
     
    #3976
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  17. philhythe

    philhythe Well-Known Member

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    The other top five have been after City ever since they got took over, next will be Newcastle.
     
    #3977
  18. Ron

    Ron Well-Known Member
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    Watched Man U v Leeds tonight at my son's. Good match and it's great that I can't hear the "up themselves" pundits during the game as it's obviously in French. Haven't a clue what they are saying, apart from the occasional "ooh la la". But during the half time break we couldn't believe our ears when one of the pundits was jabbering on about something and finished with a slight pause and "****ing disgusting" (in English). Hilarious
     
    #3978
  19. Ron

    Ron Well-Known Member
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    upload_2023-2-9_1-0-52.png


    Dare I <laugh>
     
    #3979
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  20. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member
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    My son got sent home from school today.
    He had been suspended for running around the girls toilets with his privates hanging out.
    Seems he had done it for a bet.
    Suspension seemed to be a bit harsh, so I rang the headmaster to explain that it was just a bit of tomfoolery gone too far.
    However, he was having none of it & stuck by the suspension.
    Getting a bit peeved, I asked him if he would rather have him thieving & smashing the school up like others I could mention.
    "No", he said, "I would rather have him teaching the year 5 chemistry that he is paid to do".
     
    #3980
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