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JACK-ANORY FOR A FUNNY STORY - Joke Thread & Comedy Club

Discussion in 'Swansea City' started by swimaway, Jun 18, 2011.

  1. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member
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    A Teacher Asks Little Johnny What He Did Over The Weekend
    "My Cat Died" Exclaimed Johnny "I Knew He Was Dead Cos I Pissed In His Ear" ,
    The Teacher Says "You Did What!?",
    And Johnny Says "I Leant Over And Went "Psst", And The Little Fcuker Didn"t Move!"
     
    #1221
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  2. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member
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    #1222
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  3. trundles left foot

    trundles left foot Well-Known Member

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    #1223
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  4. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member
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    I got thrown out of our local RSPCA meeting the other week, we went in to a small room and all I said was, "there isn't enough room to swing a cat in here."
     
    #1224
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  5. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member
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    Why do NASA send their astronauts to train at the Etihad Stadium?

    Because it's the only place in the world with no atmosphere.
     
    #1225
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  6. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member
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    A man walks into a restaurant and notices Lobster Tails for a quid on the menu.

    He asks the waiter: "What"s wrong with them?" Waiter says: "Nothing, freshly caught today." So the man orders some.

    The waiter returns with a book, sits down and says: "Once upon a time, there was a big red lobster"
     
    #1226
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  7. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member
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    #1227
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  8. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member
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    I was walking through the streets of Thailand when a small girl asked if I wanted sex with her.

    "No, thank you," I said. "You"re far too young."

    "How do you know my name?" she asked.
     
    #1228
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  9. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member
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    It's always exciting getting a Valentines Day Card shoved through your door, no stamp, just your name on the envelope.

    Except, when you're in prison...
     
    #1229
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  10. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member
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    My eleven year old son came home from school yesterday, all embarrassed, and told me they had done "Sex Education" in class.
    Later, I went into his bedroom to find him humping away on next doors ten-year-old daughter.
    As you can imagine, I went mad!
    "What the hell do you think you"re doing?" I screamed.
    He looked at me and said, "erm.......homework?"
     
    #1230
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  11. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member
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    I went to see an escort last night. She advertised a real girlfriend experience. When I got there she opened the door and said, "You're late, I bet you've been down the pub."

    We didn't speak for the rest of the night and I ended up sleeping on the sofa.
     
    #1231
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  12. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member
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    Scientists proved there is a link between heading a ball and Alzheimer’s, after Liverpool players couldn’t remember the last time they won something.....
     
    #1232
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  13. kiwiqpr

    kiwiqpr Barnsie Mod

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    It's Jamaican hair style day at work tomorrow. I'm already dreading it.
     
    #1233
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  14. Stid

    Stid Active Member

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    Doctors in Leicester have diagnosed a new condition which they are calling "Football finger". Symptoms are pain in the index finger caused by repeated scrolling down to see Leicester's position in the league table.
     
    #1234
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  15. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member
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    Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson went on a camping trip. After a good meal and a bottle of wine, they laid down for the night, and went to sleep. Some hours later, Holmes awoke and nudged his faithful friend. "Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see." Watson replied, "I see millions and millions of stars." "What does that tell you?" Watson pondered for a minute. "Astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies, and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo. Horologically, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three. Theologically, I can see that God is all powerful and that we are small and insignificant. Meteorologically, I suspect that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow.

    What does it tell you?" Holmes was silent for a minute, then spoke. "It tells me that someone has stolen our tent."
     
    #1235
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  16. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member
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    I went into the library and asked if they had a book called, "How to spot a lady-boy." He said, "I'm sure we do, it's probably tucked away somewhere."

    I said, "That's the one."
     
    #1236
  17. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member
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    #1237
  18. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member
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    I"m very proud of my Grandfather.
    He shot down two German planes.
    Admittedly that was in 1972 but you can never be too careful.
     
    #1238
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  19. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member
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    My Mum used to say "You can"t have it both ways"

    Well, she"s changed her tune since I caught the Milkman giving her one up the arse.
     
    #1239
  20. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member
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    How can you recognise a French war veteran?

    Sunburned armpits.
     
    #1240

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