Off Topic The best joke you know.

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I'm thinking of keeping gun dogs but don't know where to begin. Can anyone give me some pointers?

 

More of comical situation arising from mishearing a name between me and Mrs Sobchak t'other day. I can't remember how we got onto it but we were talking about what a dick Vladimir Putin is.

Me: "Putin's getting as bad as Kim Jong."

Her: "At least he sealed the Magna Carta."

Oh how we laughed gayley.

 

I used to be afraid of chestnuts

But now I have conkered my fears !!

 

I told my wife she painted her eyebrow too high last night.

She looked surprised.

 

Paddy and murphy see a packed lunch box in the field and Paddy says to murphy"go check it out. It might be a bomb". So over he goes. And Paddy shouted " is it ticking?"...and murphy replies "no...it's ham and cheese "

 

Another of his.....
Its a small world - but I wouldn't want to paint it

 

My wife told me: ‘Sex is better on holiday.’ That wasn’t a very nice postcard to receive.

 

Q ) What's Brown & Sticky?.


A) A Stick.

 

I bought some powdered water but I don't know what to add...

 

I'm glad of this thread. I've been a bit down.

I'm up in court later to find out my punishment after I got convicted of tippexing out all the full stops in the books in the Central Library.

I'm a bit worried to be honest as the judge said anyone doing that can expect a long sentence.......

 

A man walks into a bar , & see's a covered bird cage on the bar. Between 2 men talking. He being Intrigued orders his pint & sits down within earshot.

He hears the budgies' owner say the following" Listen this bird doesn't need any maintenance He can pretty much look after himself, It's not like any budgie you've ever seen. He's quite unique". The man listening asks " how much "?. The owner replies " Look I just want rid of ASAP. £400.". The bloke who walked in earlier , scoffs under his breath at the claims of a " Special" Budgie , but Intrigued, he walks over and slams' down the money. Its mine now Right , he declares. On his way home , he's thinking,We'll see about this bird. Ok he sets down the cage whips of the sheet,and Lo & behold a budgie shadow boxing around the bottom of the cage, Incessantly. He watches it for a while , then being tipsy goes to bed. In the morning, the budgie is doing the exact same thing shadow boxing. He says to the bird, Ah ya daft pecker , what is so special about you & that which your doing. On his way home from work that day, be buys a " Kestrel" to put in the cage, seein that it's such a tough bird, evily he thinks, this'll be fun. Right the moment of truth, he slings on the larger bird of prey,covers with the sheet & hears an almighty rumble for a minute, then silence. In excited anticipation, he whips off the sheet to see the dead Kestrel & the budgie, shadow boxing around the bottom of the cage. Angrily he squeaks at the bird , So your a real tough guy are ya , I'll fix you. But the bird looks up at him whilst stopping the shadow boxing for a moment , shrugs ,& returns to shadow boxing. Incensed, he rushes out & buys a " Falcon" throws it in, turns his body away and waits for the Kerfuffle to be over. When it is he sees the budgie shadowboxing , without a mark on him, just shuffling round the bottom of the cage, with the dead Falcon. He goes to bed that night & the next day looks at the bird & says to him , todays your last day tough guy , I'm getting Bald Headed Eagle today to throw in there with you. Haha. Your a Dead Bod.

The Budgie stops shuffling , & looks at the Man , but without speaking ,& the Man says C'mon then any last words , the budgie gulps & blinks and shakes its head , but says nothing & carry's on shadow boxing. Hours later, the big Finale , the owners home & he sets the cage down in an open spot , prepares the sheet & lets the Eagle , the biggest bird of prey there is, locks the cage, throws over the sheet, as he cannot bear to watch the massacre about to unfold. And watches the shape of the cage ,as for 2 whole minutes the cage jumps, buckles, twists & then silence. Trembling the Man starts crying, & waits a minute for composure, as he knows there can only be 1 result . He whips off the sheet to see the budgie exhausted & not shadowboxing , but in a dishevelled state with all its feathers stood upright & outward. Otherwise not a mark on him. The budgie leaning up against the side of the cage, breathing hard. The Eagle dead on the bottom of the cage. The owner looks down at the budgie & says , It's. True you really can take care of yourself and that you are a special bird. But It looks like that Eagle nearly got you thou.

with that & his ruffled feathers, the special budgie looks up at the Man & says , " Nah I only had to take my shirt off for this one". The End... .

 

What the **** have I just read?

 

Paddy and Murphy stood on the corner talking about nothing in particular. A lorry goes past with turf rolled on the back of it... 'Jees' says Murphy, 'thats what I'm doing when I win that there lottery'... 'whats that then' says Paddy... 'sending my grass away to get it cut"....

 

Two wind turbines are stood in a field and one asks the other "What kind of music do you like?"

The other replies "I'm a big metal fan"

 

One of my staff ( today ) waited while I’d taken a large gulp of coffee! Then asked me if I’d watched Louis ANTHRAX last night? I nearly choked to death!

 

Could have been worse I suppose. The judge gave me 3 weeks on a Trapeze...it's a suspended sentence.

 

10:00pm at the convent

Mother Superior; "Candles out girls."

Pop...Pop......Pop..Pop..Pop

 

To be fair though it got really weird as I left the court.

I jumped on the bus outside the court at the main terminal. As soon as I sat down a bloke said "Sorry mate but that my seat"

I was like "It's a bus mate first come first serve."

"Yes but not that seat. I always sit there every day" he said

I said " Sorry but I'm sitting here now. There's loads of empty seats just pick another"

"Look" he said "If you don't move I'm going to fetch a Copper"

"Jog on" Said I.

Next thing I know he gets back on with the old bill. The officer said to me "Look Sir you need to find another seat. This gentleman sits here."

Well I didn't want to get arrested again so I just said "Fine if you want to drive I'll sit in the back....."