Off Topic Lighten Up - have a laugh: Warning, may contain Adult Material

It's hard for some younger types to imagine how much effect a small bi-weekly cartoon had on late '60s/'70s figures of speech. Soon after the Barry (Bazza) Mackenzie cartoons arrived (through Private Eye) we were no longer going for a piss, but going to point percy at the porcelain (or straining the potatoes, or watering the horses, or splashing the boots). A 'friend' of mine used the rarer 'shake hands with the unemployed' phrase. Unfortunately in his case it was true and I little doubt that this led to excessive episodes of polishing his rocket (or twanging the wire, or rod walloping).

Many other original phrases flowed from the sensitive pen of Barry Humphries: such as dining at the Y (or yodelling up the canyon), chunder (or technicolour yawn, or talking down the big white telephone), etc.. There's a lot more with some extremely non-PC variations on having a crap. Suddenly we had so many more ways to describe ordinary bodily functions, and they were used liberally.

However I must take issue if anyone thinks Pillow Biting (or Mattress Munching) was ever used by Bazza. It only came into use after Bazza's demise and was the result of an infamous (1979) court case where vegemite (or marmite) drilling (the necessary precursor to pillow biting) was an important part of the prosecution case.
I have no idea if any of these phrases are used today. But if they are it was Bazza's fault

 

What a lovely lady. She didn't take the easy option and tap out.

 

So, let me get this straight. A bloke on the course waves a yellow flag at the jockeys to start a race, and a bloke on the course waves a yellow flag at the jockeys to stop a race. OK, that seems clear. Then, when a bunch of jockeys with their heads down at the business-end of a race don't respond promptly and correctly, the authorities step in and deprive them of a substantial chunk of their winter income.

Just as well these privileged, superior types with para-military backgrounds and and an overdeveloped sense of entitlement aren't running the country.

Oh, hang on....

 

I was driving home yesterday when I came up to one of those half barrier level crossings.

The red lights were flashing and the barriers were on their way down so I pulled up sharply.
Suddenly this car full of Scousers pulled out and tried to beat the lights and barriers.
They got half way across when a large fully laden goods train hit them, the car disintegrated and all the occupants were killed instantly.

I sat there open mouthed and thought "Jesus, that could have easily been me!"

So this morning I've sent off my train drivers’ application form to Network Rail!!!

 

Looks to have given him a rather large erection

 

I enjoy doing this sort of stuff.

 

Was talking to a Wetherspoon chef on Sunday who said their pub had run out of veggie burgers

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Tv gold this.
Nobody plays a cigarette like Shatner.

 

Norm MacDonald.