Jokes

A Man United fan dies on match day and goes to heaven in his Manchester United shirt. He knocks on the old pearly gates and out walks St. Peter in a Arsenal scarf.

"Hello mate," says St. Peter, "I'm sorry, no Man Utd fans in heaven."

"What?" Exclaims the man, astonished.

"You heard, no Man United fans."

"But, but, but, I've been a good man," replies the Manchester Utd supporter.

"Oh really," says St. Peter. "What have you done, then?"

"Well," said the guy, "Three weeks before I died, I gave 10 pounds to the starving children in Africa."

"Oh," says St. Peter. "Anything else?"

"Well, two weeks before I died I also gave 10 pounds to the homeless."

"Hmmm. Anything else?"

"Yeah. A week before I died I gave 10 pounds to the Albanian orphans."

"Okay," said St. Peter, "You wait here a minute while I have a word with the governor."

Ten minutes pass before St. Peter returns. He looks the bloke in the eye and says, "I've had a word with God and he agrees with me. Here's your thirty quid back, now sod off."

 

That's bollox! I'm only a dollar millionaire. And who gave you that photie?

 

Not surprising you’re so fond of the cruises

 

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Back in the day cruising meant a whole different thing, or so I've been told...............................by WJ

 

There was a young monk from Siberia
who suffered from sexual hysteria.
He did to a nun, what none should have done
and now she's a mother superior.

 

Since lock down I've taken to doing a bit in the garden (actually she's next door's daughter, no, seriously) I've been re arranging plants in alphabetical order. The neighbour looked over the fence and said "I don't know how you find the time". I said "easy, it comes right next to the sage".

 

I recently attended the funeral of the inventor of sexual innuendo's
It was a very sad day and his Mrs took it very hard.

 

Coming on for winter planting season. Seven weeks ago I planted myself on the couch, now I've grown considerably

 

You know what they say - Weeds flourish

 

A little girl was leaning into a lion's cage. Suddenly, the lion grabs her by the collar of her jacket and tries to pull her inside to slaughter her, all under the eyes of her screaming parents.

A biker jumps off his Harley, runs to the cage and hits the lion square on the nose with a powerful punch. Whimpering from the pain, the lion jumps back, letting go of the girl, and the biker brings the girl to her terrified parents, who thank him endlessly.

A BBC reporter, Laura Kuenssberg, has watched the whole event.

Laura, addressing the Harley rider says, "Sir, this was the most gallant and bravest thing I've seen a man do in my whole life.”
The Harley rider replies, "Why, it was nothing, really. The lion was behind bars. I just saw this little kid in danger, and acted as I felt right.”

Miss Kuenssberg "Well, I'll make sure this won't go unnoticed. I'm a BBC journalist, you know, and tomorrow's news will run this story. So, what do you do for a living, and what political affiliation do you have?”

The biker replies "I'm a British Army veteran, a Conservative and I voted for Brexit”. The journalist leaves.

The following morning the biker turns on BBC News to see if it indeed brings news of his actions.

BBC Headline: RIGHT WING UK VETERAN ASSAULTS AFRICAN IMMIGRANT & STEALS HIS LUNCH.

And THAT pretty much sums up the BBC's approach to the news these days

 

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This guy dies and finds himself in hell. He is wallowing in despair
when he has his first meeting with a demon. "Why so glum?" the demon
asks.

"What do you think? I'm in hell!" the guy responds.
"Hell's not so bad. We actually have a lot of fun down here... you a Drinkin' man?"

"Sure, I love to drink."
"Well you're gonna love Mondays then. On Mondays that's all we do is drink. Whisky, tequila, Guinness... you name it!"
"Gee that sounds great."

"You a smoker?"
"You better believe it!"
"All
right! You're gonna love Tuesdays. We get the finest cigars from all
over the world and smoke our lungs out. If you get cancer no biggie
you're dead anyway!"
"Wow...that's awesome!"

"I bet you like to gamble."
"Why yes, as a matter of fact I do."
"Wednesdays, you can gamble all you want. Craps, Blackjack, Roulette, Poker, Slots, whatever you want! Hey, do you like chicks?"

"Are you kidding? I LOVE women! You don't mean..."
"That's right! Thursday is orgy day. Help yourself to the finest pussy hell has to offer!"
"Yowza! I never realised Hell was such a swingin' place!"

"Are you gay?"
"NO..."
"Ooooh... then you're gonna HATE Fridays!"

 

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A young Pakistani lad asks his dad 'what's a democracy dad?'
''Well son, that's where all the white people work and we get the benefits.''
''But don't the white people get angry and complain?''
''Yes son but that's called racism.''