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The barnsley joke page

Discussion in 'Barnsley' started by kiwiqpr, Mar 25, 2014.

  1. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member
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  2. Wooperts_duck

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  3. Wooperts_duck

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  4. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member
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    A missionary who had spent years showing a tribe of natives how to farm and build things to be self-sufficient gets word that he is to return home.
    He realizes that the one thing he never taught the natives was how to speak English, so he takes the chief and starts walking in the forest. He points to a tree and says to the chief, "This is a tree." The Chief looks at the tree and grunts, "Tree."
    The missionary is pleased with the response.
    They walk a little farther and the padre points to a rock and says, "This is a rock." Hearing this, the Chief looks and grunts, "Rock." The padre is really getting enthusiastic about the results when he hears a rustling in the bushes.
    As he peeks over the top, he sees a couple in the midst of heavy sexual activity. The padre is really flustered and quickly responds, "Riding a bike."
    The Chief looks at the couple briefly, pulls out his blow gun and kills them.
    The padre goes ballistic and yells at the chief that he has spent years teaching the tribe how to be civilized and kind to each other, so how could he just kill these people in cold blood that way?
    The Chief grunts "My Bike!"
     
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  5. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member
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  6. Wooperts_duck

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  7. Wooperts_duck

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  8. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member
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    A plastic surgeon’s office, the only place where no one gets offended when you pick your nose.
     
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  9. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member
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    A woman I work with locked me in her basement for two months once and used me as her sex slave.
    One day I noticed she forgot to lock the door and I thought, "Great, this is my chance!"
    So I ran up the stairs and grabbed the phone.
    Half hour later the pizza arrived, and I went back down to the basement.
     
    #9049
  10. Wooperts_duck

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  11. Wooperts_duck

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    A jumbo jet is just coming into the Toronto Airport on its final approach. The pilot comes on the intercom, "This is your Captain. We're on our final descent into Toronto. I want to thank you for flying with us today and I hope you enjoy your stay in Toronto."
    He forgets to switch off the intercom, and the whole plane can hear his conversation with his co-pilot. The copilot says to the pilot, "Well, skipper, watcha gonna do in Toronto?"
    "Well," says the skipper, "first I'm gonna check into the hotel and take a big crap,,,then I'm gonna take that new stewardess with the huge tits out for dinner...then I'm gonna wine and dine her, take her back to my room and put it to her big time all night long!"
    Everyone on the plane hears this and immediately begins looking up and down the isles, trying to get a look at the new stewardess. Meanwhile, the new stewardess is at the very back of the plane. She's so embarrassed that she tries to run to the cockpit to turn the intercom off. Halfway down the aisle, she trips over an old lady's bag and falls on her face.
    The old lady leans over and says: "No need to hurry, dear. He's gonna take a **** first..."
     
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  12. Wooperts_duck

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  13. Wooperts_duck

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    Guy owns an antique shop but it’s not doing too much trade. He buys a leg of lamb and puts it in the shop window as Nelsons leg. An American guy comes in and buys it to take back to the states.
    The shop owner buys a pair of sheep’s eyes, puts one in the window as Nelsons eye. Same bloke comes in and buys it to take back to the states.
    Shop owner buys a bag of potatoes. The American sees two on the counter. Don’t tell me they are Nelsons.
    No said the shop owner , they are King Edwards
     
    #9053
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  14. Wooperts_duck

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    An attorney arrived home late, after a very tough day trying to get a stay of execution. His last-minute plea for clemency to the governor had failed and he was feeling worn out and depressed...
    As soon as he walked through the door at home, his wife started on him about, 'What time of night to be getting home is this? Where have you been? Dinner is cold and I'm not reheating it.' And on and on and on.
    Too shattered to play his usual role in this familiar ritual, he poured himself a shot of whiskey and headed off for a long hot soak in the bathtub, pursued by the predictable sarcastic remarks as he dragged himself up the stairs.
    While he was in the bath, the phone rang. The wife answered and was told that her husband's client, James Wright, had been granted a stay of execution after all. Wright would not be hanged tonight.
    Finally realizing what a terrible day he must have had, she decided to go upstairs and give him the good news. As she opened the bathroom door, she was greeted by the sight of her husband, bent over naked, drying his legs and feet.
    'They're not hanging Wright tonight,' she said.
    He whirled around and screamed, 'FOR THE LOVE OF GOD WOMAN, DON'T YOU EVER STOP F*CKIN COMPLAINING...?!'
     
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  15. Wooperts_duck

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    A guy was getting ready to tee off on the first hole when a second golfer approached and asked if he could join him. The first said that he usually played alone, but agreed to the twosome.
    They were even after the first two holes. The second guy said, "We're about evenly matched, how about playing for five bucks a hole?"
    The first guy said that he wasn't much for betting, but agreed to the terms. The second guy won the remaining sixteen holes with ease.
    As they were walking off number eighteen, the second guy was busy counting his $80.00. He confessed that he was the pro at the neighbouring course and liked to pick on suckers.
    The first fellow revealed that he was the Parish Priest The pro was flustered and apologetic, offering to return the money.
    The Priest said, "You won fair and square, and I was foolish to bet with you. You keep your winnings."
    The pro said, "Is there anything I can do to make it up to you?"
    The Priest said, "Well, you could come to Mass on Sunday and make a donation. And, if you want to, bring your Mother and Father along, and I'll marry them..."
     
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  16. Wooperts_duck

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