Off Topic Just for Mr RAWhite

When my great-grandad went bald, he built a machine to weave himself a wig out of yarn
He then gave it to my grandad, who then gave it to my dad - and one day, it will be mine.
It’s our family hair loom.

 

Mark finally decided to tie the knot with his long-time girlfriend. One evening, after the honeymoon, he was cleaning one of his motorcycles for an upcoming show. His wife was standing there at the bench watching him. After a long period of silence she said, "Honey, I've just been thinking, now that we are married maybe it's time you quit spending all your time out here in the garage and you probably should just consider selling all your bikes along with your boat."
Mark got this horrified look on his face.
She said, "Darling, what's wrong?"
Mark said, "For a minute there, you were starting to sound like my ex-wife."
"EX-WIFE!", she screamed, "YOU NEVER TOLD ME YOU WERE MARRIED BEFORE!"
Mark replied, "I wasn't."

 

I was out drinking with my mates at a party, when I suddenly looked at my phone and noticed 18 missed calls from my wife.
Is she f*cking insecure or what?
That's an average of 6 calls a day.

 

Nicking this one for my facebook account..

 

So I'll see it again in a minute or two, then

 

I've stolen loads off here

 

Where do you think we get them from

 

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What's the difference between a Catholic priest and a zit? at least a zit waits til you're a teenager before cuming on your face.

 

A Russian woman married an English gentleman and they lived happily ever after in London.

The poor lady was not very proficient in English, but did manage to communicate with her husband.

The real problem arose whenever she had to shop for groceries.

One day, she went to the butcher and wanted to buy chicken legs.

She didn't know how to put forward her request, so, in desperation, clucked like a chicken and lifted up her skirt to show her thighs. Her butcher got the message and gave her the chicken legs.

Next day she needed to get chicken breasts, again she didn't know how to say it, so she clucked like a chicken and unbuttoned her blouse to show the butcher her breasts. The butcher understood again and gave her some chicken breasts.

On the 3rd day, the poor lady needed to buy some small sausages.

Unable to find a way to communicate this, she brought her husband to the store...

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I worry about you lot sometimes!





What were you thinking?





-- her husband speaks English!

 

So am I.

 

Thieving bastards

 

Guilty as charged.

 

I said to my wife, "I was just disgusted when I saw a woman with her breasts out on the bus feeding her son."
She said, "All of you blokes are the same, it's just natural."
"I don't know what's so ****ing natural about it?" I replied, "She was feeding him Quavers."