Off Topic The offical: Jokes THREAD

Mahatma Gandhi:

He walked around barefoot a lot of the time, which developed a rather impressive set of Callouses on his feet.
He also ate very little. This caused him to be frail.
His strange diet caused him to suffer from bad breath.
This made him a super-calloused, fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.

 

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Steven from Liverpool, England was touring the United States of America on holiday and stopped in a remote bar in the Mojave desert of California. He was chatting to the bartender when he spied an old Native American man sitting in the corner. He had tribal gear on, long white plaits, wrinkled face.
“Who’s he?” Steven from Liverpool asked.
“That’s the Memory Man,” said the bartender. “He knows everything, remembers everything. He can remember every face he’s ever seen. He can remember any fact he hears or reads. Go and try him out.”
So Steven goes over, and thinking he won’t know about English soccer, he asks ”Who won the 1965 FA Cup Final?”
Memory Man; “Liverpool” replies the Memory Man.
Steven; “Who did they beat?”
Memory Man; “Leeds United” was the instant reply.
Steven; “And the score?”
Memory Man; “2-1.”
Steven; “Who scored the winning goal?”
Memory Man; “Ian St. John,” said the old man, without a hint of hesitation.
The man from Liverpool was knocked out by this and told everyone back home about the Memory Man when he got back.
Six years later he went back to the USA and tried to find the impressive Memory Man. Eventually, he found the bar, and sitting in the same seat was the old Native American, only this time he was older and even more wrinkled.
The Liverpudlian came close to him with the greeting “How”.
The Memory man looked at Steven and said, “Diving header in the six-yard box....”

 

****ing hell la. The old ones are the best

 

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What's got glasses and a wet nose???
A short-sighted gynaecologist

 

In the great days of the British Empire, a new commanding officer was sent to an African jungle outpost to relieve the retiring colonel.
After welcoming his replacement and showing the usual courtesies (gin and tonic, cucumber sandwiches, etc.) that protocol decrees, the retiring colonel said, "You must meet my Adjutant, Captain Skinner, he's my right-hand man, and he’s really the strength of this office. His talent is simply boundless."
Skinners was summoned and introduced to the new CO, who was surprised to meet a humpbacked, one-eyed, toothless, hairless, scabbed, and pockmarked specimen of humanity, a particularly unattractive man less than three feet tall.
"Skinners, old man, tell your new CO about yourself."
"Well, sir, I graduated with honours from Sandhurst, joined the regiment, and won the Military Cross and Bar after three expeditions behind enemy lines. I've represented Great Britain in equestrian events and won a Silver Medal in the middleweight division of the Olympics. I have researched the history of....."
The colonel interrupted, "Yes, yes, never mind that Skinners, he can find all that in your file. Tell him about the day you told the witch doctor to **** off..."

 

Dave was excited about his new .338 rifle and decided to try bear hunting. He travelled up to Alaska, spotted a small brown bear and shot it. Soon after there was a tap on his shoulder, and he turned around to see a big black bear.
The black bear said, "That was a very bad mistake. That bear was my cousin. I'm going to give you two choices. Either I maul you to death or we have sex." After considering briefly, Dave decided to accept the latter alternative.
So the black bear had his way with Dave. Even though he felt sore for two weeks, Dave soon recovered and vowed revenge. He headed out on another trip to Alaska where he found the black bear and shot it dead. Right after, there was another tap on his shoulder. This time a huge grizzly bear stood right next to him.
The grizzly said, "That was a big mistake, Dave. That bear was my cousin and you've got two choices: Either I maul you to death or we have rough sex."
Again, Dave thought it was better to cooperate with the grizzly bear than be mauled to death. So the grizzly had his way with Dave. Although he survived, it took several months before Dave fully recovered.
Now Dave was completely outraged, so he headed back to Alaska and managed to track down the grizzly bear and shot it. He felt sweet revenge, but then, moments later, there was a tap on his shoulder.
He turned around to find giant polar bear standing there. The polar bear looked at him and said, "Admit it Dave, you don't come here for the hunting, do you?

 

Three dogs in a vet’s waiting room; a Yorkshire Terrier, a black Labrador and a Great Dane.
The Great Dane looked down at the forlorn Terrier and asked, “What you in for pal?”
The Terrier sniffed away a tear and replied, “Well, I was minding my own business in the garden last week, when next door’s cat came strutting round, Persian Blue she is, all fluffy and fancy. Anyway, I’ve not had much lately, so I quickly mounted her and gave her a right good seeing too. I’m in for the snip!”
The Great Dane winced in sympathy and looked at the Labrador before asking him the same question.
“We have a bitch in our house,” he explained, “and for two years I’ve not touched her. But then last week she wiggled her arse at me that much I couldn’t resist. We were caught in the act, and now the owners are expecting unwanted puppies. I’m in for the chop too.”
The Terrier and the Lab looked up at the Great Dane questioningly, “So what about you?”
“Well, said the big fella, the lady of the house was home alone and decided to have a bath. I was laying in the bathroom when she came in to test the water. She slipped off her lovely long robe and bent over to test the water. I couldn’t resist her naked arse...I just jumped up and gave her a right good seeing to.”
“Oh,” said the Labrador, “so you’re in for the snip too?”
“No,” exclaimed the Great Dane, “just getting my nails trimmed.

 

The early evening news on Granada TV ran a story tonight that two young woman had been kidnapped in central Sheffield. They had been raped and murdered and their bodies found in a skip behind the local library.
Locals are shocked, they didn't know they had a library.

 

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