Off Topic Just for Mr RAWhite

Me: "How much for anal?"

Hooker: "Sixty quid."

Me: "That's a bit expensive. I think I'll leave it."

Hooker: "Tight arse!"

Me: "Go on then, you've persuaded me!"

 

Choosing a wife
A man wanted to get married. He was having trouble choosing among three likely candidates. He gives each woman a present of $5,000 and watches to see what they do with the money.
The first does a total makeover. She goes to a fancy beauty salon, gets her hair done, new makeup; buys several new outfits and dresses up very nicely for the man. She tells him that she has done this to be more attractive for him because she loves him so much.
The man was impressed.
The second goes shopping to buy the man gifts. She gets him a new set of golf clubs, some new gizmos for his computer, and some expensive clothes. As she presents these gifts, she tells him that she has spent all the money on him because she loves him so much.
Again, the man is impressed.
The third invests the money in the stock market She earns several times the $5,000. She gives him back his $5,000 and reinvests the remainder in a joint account. She tells him that she wants to save for their future because she loves him so much.
Obviously, the man was impressed.
The man thought for a long time about what each woman had done with the money he'd given her.
Then he married the one with the biggest tits.

 

White Banana

 

Black Paté

 

I just did it and it came out Black Salad - now why didn't Ozzy think of that

 

"F*ck the f*cking lot of you. You're all a bunch of c*nts." My acceptance speech at the Tourette's Awards was met with warm applause.

 

Why are there TV adverts for toilet roll? Who's not buying it?

 

Blue Pasty.

 

Black co-co pops
Not comfortable with this

 

I've just been helping the lass across the road bury some old rolled up carpet in the garden. She hadn't wanted to bother me, it was just that her boyfriend is away visiting a sick grandma.

 

Coz i don't eat salad

 

I was hoovering in my underpants this morning.
F*ck knows how my balls got so dusty

 

After being ill for a week,.... my wife got a doctor to give me a home visit...... As I woke from a sleep, the doctor was by my bed shaking his head.
"I've been looking through your records Mr. Neate....., and it doesn't look good"..... said the doctor.
"Oh my god".... I replied nervously.... "Is it that bad doc??"
"I'd say so" he said..... "Earth, Wind and Fires greatest hits??, Barbara Streisand??, Barry Big nose Manilow??... What the f*ck were you thinking when you bought these.

 

A clearlyinebriated woman, stark naked, jumped into a taxi in New York and laid down on the back seat.
The cab driver, an old Jewish gentleman, opened his eyes wide and stared at the woman.
He made no attempt to start the cab.
The woman glared back at him and said, “What’s wrong with you, honey? Haven’t you ever seen a naked woman before?”
The old Jewish driver answered, “Let me tell you sumsing, lady I vasn’t staring at you like you tink; det vould not be proper vair I come from.”
The drunk woman giggled and responded, “Well, if you’re not staring at my boobs or ass, Sweetie, what are you doing then?”
He paused a moment, then told her…”Vell, M’am, I am looking and I am looking, and I am tinking to myself, ‘Vair in DA hell is dis lady keeping de money to pay for dis ride?”

 

I went to a Cannibal wedding on Saturday . . . . it was all going well until they decided to toast the Bride and Groom.

 

My mate's been fined a total of £1200 for stealing from a sofa store . . . . but the Judge said that he's got nothing to pay until 2023

 

please log in to view this image