What day of the week is it thread

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RETIREMENT BONUS
The Royal Navy found they had too many officers and decided to offer an early retirement bonus. They promised any officer who volunteered for Retirement a bonus of £1,000 for every inch measured in a straight line between any two points in his body. The officer got to choose what those two points would be.
The first officer who accepted asked that he be measured from the top of his head to the tip of his toes. He was measured at six feet and walked out with a bonus of £72,000...
The second officer who accepted was a little smarter and asked to be measured from the tip of his outstretched hands to his toes. He walked Out with £96,000.
The third one was a non-commissioned officer, a grizzly old Chief Stoker who, when asked where he would like to be measured replied, 'From the tip of my penis to my testicles.'
It was suggested by the pension man that he might want to reconsider, explaining about the nice big cheques the previous two Officers had received. But the old Chief insisted and they decided to go along with him providing the measure was taken by a Medical Officer.
The Medical Officer arrived and instructed the Chief to drop 'em,' which he did.
The Medical Officer placed the tape measure on the tip of the Chief's penis and began to work back. Dear Lord!' he suddenly exclaimed, 'Where are your testicles?'
The Old Chief calmly replied, ' The Falkland Islands'.

 

I've just got a job for Halloween making plastic Draculas.

There's only two of us on the production line, so I've got to make every second count.....

 

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After his father has run off with another lady the little boy tells his mummy that she should find a new boyfriend. She tells him she doesn't need a boyfriend and that the television is her new boyfriend. She tells him that even though she has to bang it to get it going that when it gets going it keeps her happy for ages. Later that day the parish priest knocks at the door and the little boy answers it. The priest asks if his mummy is in to which the little boy replies. Yes she is but she is banging her boyfriend at the moment to get him going but once he gets going he will keep her happy for hours.

 

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