Off Topic Just for Mr RAWhite

My wife was away on business and called me up last night wanting to have phone sex. I'd never done it before and wanted to make the experience realistic for her..
So I finished first after a minute and hung up.

 

my marra normally gives out the best 20 seconds shheeeeeees ever had, so he tells me

 

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Poch is leaving us to coach Fred, Maguire and Wan Bissaka

 

"It's a boy! It's a boy!''

I shouted, as I ran from the Thai brothel.

 

Same Sex marriage

Michael and Gary got married in California.

They couldn't afford a honeymoon so they go back to Michael's Mom and Dad's house in Corner Brook for their first married night together.

In the morning, Johnny, Michael's little brother, gets up and has his breakfast.
As he is going out of the door to go to school, he asks his mom if Michael and Gary are up yet.
She replies, 'No'.
Johnny asks, 'Do you know what I think?'
His mom replies, 'I don't want to hear what you think! Just go to school.'

Johnny comes home for lunch and asks his mom, 'Are Michael and Gary up yet?'
She replies, 'No.'
Johnny says, 'Do you know what I think?'
His mom replies, 'Never mind what you think! Eat your lunch and go back to school '

After school, Johnny comes home and asks again,
'Are Michael and Gary up yet?'
His mom says, 'No.'
He asks, 'Do you know what I think?'
His mom replies, 'OK, now tell me what you think.'



He says: 'Last night Michael came to my room for the Vaseline and I think...I gave him my airplane glue.'

 

Pedro and Sancho are lost in the Mexican desert at the time of the Alamo, with the sun beating down on them and no water or food they're on their last legs and beginning to hallucinate. As Pedro looks down into the valley he suddenly sees something in the distance and turns to Sancho excitedly and shouts:

"Look Sancho, ees a bacon tree!"

"Que?"

"Eet ees, ees a bacon tree!"

"No, you ees crazy Pedro"

"eet ees, eet ees......."

Pedro finds the energy to run towards the bacon tree and is cut down in a hail of bullets, as he lay dying he utters...

"Sancho my friend be careful...

"Ees...

"Ees...

"Ees...

"A hambush!"...

 

THE BLONDE AND THE LORD

A blonde wanted to go ice fishing. She'd read many books on the subject, and finally getting all the necessary tools together, she made for the ice.

After positioning her comfy footstool, she started to make a circular cut in the ice. Suddenly, from the sky, a voice boomed,

"THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE!"

Startled, the blonde moved further down the ice, poureda thermos of cappuccino, and began to cut yet another hole. Again from the heavens the voice bellowed,

"THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE!"

The blonde, now worried, moved away, clear down to the opposite end of the ice. She set up her stool once more and tried again to cut her hole.

The voice came once more,

"THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE!"



She stopped, looked skyward! and said, "IS THAT YOU LORD?"

The voice replied,



"NO, THIS IS THE MANAGER OF THE HOCKEY RINK!"

 

I couldn't care less about the Olympics. Last week my girlfriend brought home a pack of those Olympic condoms they've released, thought she'd try and help me get into them that way. I wasn't sure which one to use, they're done in the different colours for the medals and it doesn't explain the difference, so I just got the gold one thinking it would be the best. Before I could even open it she's all "oh no you don't, get that one away you can use the silver one". I asked her what the difference was, apparently it might help if I had something to remind me that I can come second once in a while.

I'll have the last laugh though, her sister is visiting next weekend and I've saved the bronze one.

 

How long should you date someone
Before you ask for a
3 some with their sister

 

I have a tremendous sex drive.
My girlfriend lives 100 miles away.