My wife is leaving me due to my obsession with Star Wars All I could say to her was "May divorce be with you"
please log in to view this image Incredible! A Tibetan monk has been discovered in the mountains of Nepal. He is thought to be the oldest person in the world at 201 years old. He is in a state of deep trance or meditation called "takatet" When he was first discovered in a mountain cave they thought that he was a mummy, but scientists examining what they thought was a mummy discovered that he had vital signs and was alive! Amongst his things, they found a piece of paper that said... "Don't believing everything that you read on the Internet"
New What's the difference between Omicron and Macron ? One is a nasty disgusting little virus........ ..........and the other is a variant of COVID
New A young man named John received a parrot as a gift. The parrot had a bad attitude and an even worse vocabulary. Every word out of the bird's mouth was rude, obnoxious, and laced with profanity. John tried and tried to change the bird's attitude by consistently saying only polite words, playing soft music, and anything else he could think of to "clean up" the bird's vocabulary. Finally, John was fed up, and he yelled at the parrot. The parrot yelled back. John shook the parrot, and the parrot got angrier and even ruder. John, in desperation, threw up his hand, grabbed the bird, and put him in the freezer. For a few minutes the parrot squawked and kicked and screamed. Then suddenly there was total quiet. Not a peep was heard for over a minute. Fearing that he'd hurt the parrot, John quickly opened the door to the freezer. The parrot calmly stepped out onto John's outstretched arms and said, "I believe I may have offended you with my rude language and actions. I'm sincerely remorseful for my inappropriate transgressions and I fully intend to do everything I can to correct my rude and unforgivable behaviour." John was stunned at the change in the bird's attitude. As he was about to ask the parrot what had made such a dramatic change in his behaviour, when the bird continued, "May I ask what the turkey did?"
A Biker walks into a bar, he takes a seat at the bar and growls: "Bartender! Get me a drink!" The bartender obliges, and the biker scarfs down the drink. Slamming the glass down on the bar, he growls: "Bartender! Get me another!" The bartender pours him another drink. After a few more rounds, the bartender attempts some conversation: "Sir, he says, it seems that you're visibly upset. What's the problem?" The biker looks at him and snorts: "I just went home and caught my ol' lady screwing my best friend!" "Oh man," says the bartender, that's rough. "What did you do?" The biker says: "Well, I grabbed her by the hair, threw her out nekkid, threw her clothes out after her, and told her never ever to come back." "Wow," says the bartender in awe: "That's tough man, what did you do to your friend?" "Well," says the biker, "I marched right back upstairs, I grabbed him by the scruff of the neck, and I said: BAD DOG."
I was just sitting in the pub when this gorgeous woman came over and said “every time you smile I want to bring you back to my place” I said “fair play are you single?” She said “No. I'm a dentist”.
Last night whilst watching television I said to the wife "you know what you're the absolute double of Jennifer Anniston". She gave me a cheeky grin and said "really?" I said, "yes sweetheart she's 9 stone and you're 18". I truly appreciated everything the paramedics did last night. I'm in Ward 15, and I'd like some visitors.