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The barnsley joke page

Discussion in 'Barnsley' started by kiwiqpr, Mar 25, 2014.

  1. Makemstine Roger

    Makemstine Roger Well-Known Member

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  2. Makemstine Roger

    Makemstine Roger Well-Known Member

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  3. Taffvalerowdy

    Taffvalerowdy Well-Known Member

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  4. Taffvalerowdy

    Taffvalerowdy Well-Known Member

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  5. Gordon Armstrong

    Gordon Armstrong Just another S.A.F.C. fan
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  6. Gordon Armstrong

    Gordon Armstrong Just another S.A.F.C. fan
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  7. Makemstine Roger

    Makemstine Roger Well-Known Member

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    I saw a sign on a friends door which read : "Beware of the budgie"
    I said: `That won't scare off anybody "
    " Oh, yes it will, " he said." It whistles for the rottweiler "
     
    #11647
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  8. Makemstine Roger

    Makemstine Roger Well-Known Member

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  9. Gordon Armstrong

    Gordon Armstrong Just another S.A.F.C. fan
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    A Man went into a chemist shop.

    "Have you anything for my spotty face ?" he asked.

    "Ammonia cleaner" was the answer.

    "Sorry" said the man, "I thought that you were the Pharmacist"
     
    #11649
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  10. Makemstine Roger

    Makemstine Roger Well-Known Member

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    Murphy's' old lady had been pregnant for some time and now the time had come.

    He brought her to the doctor and the doctor began to deliver the baby.

    She had a little boy, and the doctor looked over at Murphy and said. 'Hey, Murph! You just had you a son,!

    'Ain't dat grand,' Murphy got excited by this, but just then the doctor spoke up and said, 'Hold on! We ain't finished yet, !'

    The doctor then delivered a little girl.

    He said, 'Hey, Murph! You got you a daughter, She is a pretty lil ting, too....'

    Murphy got kind of puzzled by this and then the doctor said, 'Hold on, we aint got done yet!'

    The doctor then delivered another boy and said, Murph, you just had yourself another boy!'

    Murphy said to the doctor, 'Doc, what caused all of dem babies,?'

    The doctor said, 'You never know Murph, it was probably something that happened during conception.'

    Murphy said, 'Ah yeah, during conception.'

    When Murph and his wife went home with their three children, he sat down with his wife and said,

    'Mama, you remember dat night that we ran out of Vaseline and we had to use dat dere 3-in-1 Oil.'


    She said, 'Yeah, I remember dat night...'

    Murph said, 'I'll tell you, ......it's a fek kin' good ting we didn't use WD-40.
     
    #11650

  11. Makemstine Roger

    Makemstine Roger Well-Known Member

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    Someone asked me, "and now that you are retired, do you still have a job?"

    I replied, "Yes I am my wife's sexual adviser."

    "Somewhat shocked, they said "I beg your pardon, but what do you mean by that?"

    "Very simple. The wife has told me that when she wants my ****ing advice, she'll ask me. for i t."
     
    #11651
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  12. Makemstine Roger

    Makemstine Roger Well-Known Member

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  13. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member
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    Pat and Mick went to a job interview ,Mick went in first, the foreman said we are a very religious company now I've only one question, name me two disciples, Mick says Mark and John, the foreman said well done start on Monday.
    He went out and said its easy Pat you only have to name two disciples and the jobs yours.
    Pat says mick I don't know any disciples ,Mick says I'll tell you the answer, pat says but my memory is very bad Mick.
    Mick says right Pat I'll write it on this shovel then when the foreman asks you to name two disciples, you just read the answer off the shovel and the jobs yours, Pat says thank you Mick that's great.
    Pat goes in ,the foreman asks Pat name two disciples, Pat full of confidence, looks at the shovel and answers SPEAR And JACKSON.
     
    #11653
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  14. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member
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    Eleven people were hanging on a rope under a helicopter, ten men and one woman. The rope was not strong enough to carry them all, so they decided that one has to drop off, otherwise they are all going to fall.
    They were not able to choose that person, but then the woman made a very touching speech.
    She said that she would voluntarily let go of the rope, because as woman she was used to giving up everything for her husband and kids, and for men in general, without ever getting anything in return. As soon as she finished her speech, all the men started clapping their hands........
     
    #11654
  15. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member
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    A farmer named Paddy had a car accident. He was hit by a truck owned by the Eversweet Company.
    In court, the Eversweet Company's hot-shot solicitor was questioning Paddy.
    'Didn't you say to the police at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine?'asked the solicitor.
    Paddy responded: 'Well, I'll tell you what happened. I'd just loaded my fav'rit cow, Bessie, into da... '
    'I didn't ask for any details', the solicitor interrupted. 'Just answer the question. Did you not say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine!'?'
    Paddy said, 'Well, I'd just got Bessie into da trailer and I was drivin' down da road...... '
    The solicitor interrupted again and said,'Your Honour, I am trying to establish the fact that, at the scene of the accident, this man told the police on the scene that he was fine. Now several weeks after the accident, he is trying to sue my client. I believe he is a fraud. Please tell him to simply answer the question. '
    By this time, the Judge was fairly interested in Paddy's answer and said to the solicitor:
    'I'd like to hear what he has to say about his favourite cow, Bessie'.
    Paddy thanked the Judge and proceeded.
    'Well as I was saying, I had just loaded Bessie, my fav'rit cow, into de trailer and was drivin' her down de road when this huge Eversweet truck and trailer came tundering tru a stop sign and hit me trailer right in da side. I was trown into one ditch and Bessie was trown into da udder. By Jaysus I was hurt, very bad like, and didn't want to move. However, I could hear old Bessie moanin' and groanin'. I knew she was in terrible pain just by her groans.
    Shortly after da accident, a policeman on a motorbike turned up. He could hear Bessie moanin' and groanin' too, so he went over to her. After he looked at her, and saw her condition, he took out his gun and shot her between the eyes.
    Den da policeman came across de road, gun still in hand, looked at me, and said, 'How are you feelin'?' 'Now wot da fock would you say?'
     
    #11655
  16. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member
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    I was shocked at the price of those ‘Ancestry DNA kits’, so rather than spend any money, I just announced that I had won the lottery.

    I quickly found out who my relatives are.
     
    #11656
  17. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member
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    Paddy and Mick walk past a shop in London.
    A sign in the window says,
    Suits £5
    Coats £3
    Trousers £2.
    Paddy says to Mick "look, we could buy a load of clothes and take them back to Dublin and sell them for more than 10 times what we pay for them."
    They go in and say to the woman behind the counter,
    "Hello, can we have 50 suits,100 coats, and 80 pairs of trousers please?"
    The woman replies "you're Irish aren't you?"
    Paddy says "Yes . . . . how did you know?"
    She replies "This is a dry cleaners, you daft ****."
     
    #11657
  18. Gordon Armstrong

    Gordon Armstrong Just another S.A.F.C. fan
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  19. Gordon Armstrong

    Gordon Armstrong Just another S.A.F.C. fan
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  20. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member
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