JACK-ANORY FOR A FUNNY STORY - Joke Thread & Comedy Club

A blonde walks into the library. She walks up to the counter, SLAMS a book down and screams at the librarian, - "This is the WORST book I've ever read!" "It has NO plot and far too many characters!
The librarian looks up and calmly remarks - "So, you're the one who took our phone book..."

 

I’ve got a 1998 Ford Fiesta with a full tank of petrol...

Looking to swap for a 4 bed detached house.

 

A chap jumps in a taxi says, “King Arthur’s Close”.

The taxi driver says, “Don’t worry I’ll lose him at the lights”…

 

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A man enters a barbershop for a shave. While the barber is foaming him up, he mentions the problem he has getting a close shave around his cheeks.
"I have just the thing," says the barber taking a small wooden ball from a nearby drawer. "Just place this between your cheek and gum."
The client places the ball in his mouth and proceeds with the closest shave the man has ever experienced.
After a few strokes, the client asks in garbled speech "And what if I swallow it?"
"No problem" says the barber. "Just bring it back tomorrow like everyone else does!"

 

A very old lady realizes that she’s seen and done everything and the time has come to depart from this world.
After considering various methods of doing away with herself, she decides to shoot herself through the heart.
Not wanting to make a mistake, she phones her doctor and asks him the exact location of the heart.
He tells her that the heart is located two inches below the left nipple.
The senior lady hangs up the phone, takes careful aim and shoots herself in the left knee.

 

I asked my GP if there was anything better than over the counter hemorrhoids stuff as I was trying to avoid the time off work for surgery.
She suggested using teabags as a cold compress as the tea shrinks them and soothes some of the pain.
I decided to try it, but I only ever use loose leaf tea, but the principle’s the same, so I scooped the leaves out of the cold pot and used a wad of kitchen towel to hold them in place.
A couple of week’s later and I’m back at the Doctors.
She gets me to drop my trousers and lie on the couch on one side.
I hear her draw up her chair, the lights dimmed slightly and she said.
“Well, your hemorrhoids aren’t getting any better, but you are going on a journey. You will meet a tall dark handsome stranger.....”

 

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A man went to the doctor. He said "Doc, you gotta check my leg. Something's wrong. Just put your ear up to my thigh, you'll hear it!"
The doctor cautiously placed his ear to the man's thigh only to hear "Gimme 20 bucks, I really need 20 bucks". "I've never seen or heard anything like this before, how long has this been going on?" the doctor asked.
"That's nothing Doc. put your ear to my knee".
The doctor put his ear to the man's knee and heard it say "Man, I really need 10 bucks, just lend me 10 bucks!!"
"Sir, I really don't know what to tell you. I've never seen anything like this".
The doctor was dumbfounded.
"Wait Doc, that's not it. There's more, just put your ear up to my ankle" the man urged him.
The doctor did as the man said and was blown away to hear his ankle plead "Please, I just need 5 bucks. Lend me 5 bucks please if you can".
I have no idea what to tell you" the doctor said. "There's nothing about it in my books" he said as he frantically searched all his medical reference books.
"I can make a well-educated guess though. Based on life and all my previous experience I can tell you that your leg appears to be broke in three places"

 

At the Airport, I heard 2 guys saying they wouldn't feel safe if the Pilot was a woman.

How bloody sexist, I mean it's not as if she has to reverse the bloody thing.....

 

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