Jokes

i had some trouble with my eyes recently after watching mary poppins repeatedly on a loop in aid of a charity, went to the opticians for a check, they said it was a condition called.....um diddle,diddle,diddle um diddle eye

 

Brian came home from the pub late one Friday evening stinking drunk, as he often did, and crept into bed beside his wife who was already asleep.
He gave a peck on the cheek and fell asleep. When he awoke he found a strange man standing at the end of his bed wearing a long flowing white robe. "Who the hell are you?" Demanded Brian, "and what are you doing in my bedroom?". The mysterious Man answered "This isn't your bedroom and I'm St Peter".
Brian was stunned "You mean I'm dead!!! That can't be, I have so much to live for, I haven't said goodbye to my family.... you've got to send me back straight away".
St Peter replied "Yes you can be reincarnated but there is a catch. We can only send you back as a dog or a hen." Brian was devastated, but knowing there was a farm not far from his house, he asked to be sent back as a hen.
A flash of light later he was covered in feathers and clucking around pecking the ground. "This ain't so bad" he thought until he felt this strange feeling welling up inside him.
The farmyard rooster strolled over and said "So you're the new hen, how are you enjoying your first day here?"
"It's not so bad" replies Brian, "but I have this strange feeling inside like I'm about to explode".
"You're ovulating" explained the rooster, "don't tell me you've never laid an egg before".
"Never" replies Brian
"Well just relax and let it happen"
And so he did and after a few uncomfortable seconds later, an egg pops out from under his tail. An immense feeling of relief swept over him and his emotions got the better of him as he experienced motherhood for the first time.
When he laid his second egg, the feeling of happiness was overwhelming and he knew that being reincarnated as a hen was the best thing that ever happened to him... ever!!!
The joy kept coming and as he was just about to lay his third egg he felt an enormous smack on the back of his head and heard his wife shouting ....
"Brian, wake up you drunken b*stard, you're shi*ting the bed"

 

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All fungi are edible. It's just that some are edible only once.

 

recently a mate of mine returned from a trip to africa and whilst there got a terrible skin rash,so he went to the local doc who gave him some cream to rub on and told him to come back within a week....he returned to the doc and said "wow that cream is really good it's cleared the rash up already,what is it?"....the doc replied "when any of my friends pass i boil there bodies for 7 days,and that is the fat skimmed off the top mixed with a local herb".....mate replied "****,what's it called"....."pal-o-mine lotion" replied the doc

 

F*cking Christmas cracker stuff, Oldie. You should be ashamed to put your name to it. (Funny but)

 

turkeys are early this year ..........

 

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A man escapes from prison where he has been for 15 years. He breaks into a house to look for money and guns and finds a young couple in bed.
He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair, while tying the girl to the bed he gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom. While he's in there, the husband tells his wife:
"Listen, this guy's an escaped convict, look at his clothes! He probably spent lots of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck." If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain, do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is probably very dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll kill us. Be strong, honey. I love you."
To which his wife responds: "He wasn't kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me he was gay, thought you were cute, and asked me if we had any vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey. I love you too!!"

 

My car's fan belt snapped and I had no money on me to buy another. Luckily, I knew how to use the wife's tights to fix it.

I put them on my head and robbed Halfords.

 

Be Proud to be British. We know where every untaxed car is located among the millions of UK car owners but we haven't a clue where the millions of illegal immigrants and terrorists are located.

Why doesn't Boris put the DVLA in charge of immigration!

 

• Just watched a program on Channel 4 about some Canadian blokes who go out trying to catch crabs two months a year!
• Surely 90% of men in Manchester do that every weekend?

 

My Welsh mate was found dead yesterday.
He died the way he would have wanted to go.
He passed away peacefully in his sheep..

 

woke up this morning in a right mood after a session on the ale, the wife said "well you have clearly woke up on the wrong side of the bed".....i said "just shut the **** up,and get this mattress off me"

 

Just got back from visiting a lovely little place in Wales;
Lloysthwycyyrigridarbrewwthh... sorry there was a hair in my mouth.

I went to Swansea.

 

Convincing a dog that I really threw the ball is the closest I'll ever get to being a magician.

 

On a blind date last night she asked, "You seem like a nice guy. How come you're still single?"
I shrugged my shoulders, "I guess my standards are too high, take the girls in this bar for example... Wouldn't shag her.. Wouldn't shag her.. Wouldn't shag her."
She looked shocked.
I asked, "Are you surprised by my honesty?"
She said, "That, and the fact that you pointed at me... Three times."