Oddy: I just could not understand what the fellow said. Tried several times too. If it's not too 'vulgar' could you or Tamerlo clarify. Thank you.
The groom must have an unbelievably good relationship with the bride’s father. Not sure how I’d react in such a scenario. Not well I’d imagine.
Paddy and Murphy were fixing floor boards. Paddy looked at Murphy and saw nails being thrown over his shoulder. "What are you doing," he asked Murphy? "I'm throwing these nails away. They're no good- they're upside down nails." "You silly sod, replied Paddy. You can use them when we do the ceiling!"
A woman went to buy a parrot at the pet shop. She saw three parrots on stands- one at £150, one at £100, and one at £10. "Why is that one so cheap, " she asked? "It's a brothel parrot," replied the pet shop owner. "Oh, I'll take it," said the woman, and she took it home. As soon as she entered her home, the parrot said " This is nice. A new brothel." The woman laughed her head off. Then her daughter entered the room and the parrot squawked "Wow! A new bit of talent on offer." The woman loved it. An hour later, her husband came home from work. As soon as the parrot saw him, he shouted "Hi, Keith. I haven't seen you for a week or two!"
My girlfriend said if I don’t do page 7 of the Kama Sutra she will leave me. It put me in a very difficult position.
One day, while strolling down the boardwalk, John bumped into an old friend of his, Rob, from high school. “You look great John, how do you stay looking so young? Why you must be 60 already but you don’t look a day over 40!” Rob exclaimed. “I feel like I’m 40 too!” replied John. “That’s incredible” exclaimed Rob, “Does it run in the family? How old was your dad when he passed?” “Did I say he was dead?” asked John. “He’s 81 and is more active then ever. He just joined the neighborhood basketball team!” responded John. “Whoa! Well how old was your Grandfather when he died?” “Did I say he died” asked John. Rob was amazed. “He just had his 105th birthday and plays golf and goes swimming each day! He’s actually getting married this week!” “Getting married?!” Rob asked. If he’s 105, why on earth does he want to get married?! John looked at Rob and replied, “Did I say he wanted to?”
No apologies for this old one… we all have to learn to laugh at ourselves… Lucky Jim was a great believer in coincidences and signs. One Saturday morning, he collected his milk from the doorstep and noticed he’d been left 5 bottles instead of three; an hour later 5 kids knocked at his door asking him to sponsor them; just after, 5 letters dropped through his letterbox. Excited, he caught a number 5 bus and went to Haydock Park races. He waited until the fifth race and, sure he couldn’t lose, plunged 500 quid on number 5 in a 5 horse race. Guess what? It finished fifth.
Just a small problem with Matt’s cartoon: half of the turkeys have been culled because of bird flu please log in to view this image