What day of the week is it thread

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My 4-year-old grandson has been learning
Spanish all year and he still can't say
the word please.

Which I think is poor for four.

 

This story happened a while ago in Dublin, and even though it sounds like an Alfred Hitchcock tale, its said to be true!
John Bradford, a Dublin University student, was on the side of the road hitchhiking on a very dark night and in the midst of a big storm.
The night was rolling on and no car went by. The storm was so strong he could hardly see a few feet ahead of him. Suddenly, he saw a car slowly coming towards him and stopped. John, desperate for shelter and without thinking about it, got into the car and closed the door, only to realise there was nobody behind the wheel and the engine wasn't on.
The car started moving slowly. John looked at the road ahead and saw a bend approaching. Scared, he started to pray, begging for his life. Then, just before the car hit the bend, a hand appeared out of nowhere through the window and turned the wheel. John, paralysed with terror, watched as the hand came through the window, but never touched or harmed him.
Shortly thereafter John saw the lights of a pub appear down the road, so, gathering strength, he jumped out of the car and ran to it. Wet and out of breath, he rushed inside and started telling everybody about the horrible experience he had just had.
A silence enveloped the pub when everybody realised he was crying and.... wasn't drunk.
Suddenly, the door opened, and two other people walked in from the dark and stormy night. They, like John, were also soaked and out of breath. Looking around, and seeing John Bradford sobbing at the bar, one said to the other...
“Look Paddy, there's that ****ing idiot that got in the car while we were pushing it!”

 

My girlfriend said if I don’t do page 7 of the Kama Sutra she will leave me.

It put me in a very difficult position.

 

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The Methodist Church and the Spiritual Church are merging and will now be known as The Methylated Spirits

 

One day, while strolling down the boardwalk, John bumped into an old friend of his, Rob, from high school. “You look great John, how do you stay looking so young? Why you must be 60 already but you don’t look a day over 40!” Rob exclaimed.
“I feel like I’m 40 too!” replied John.
“That’s incredible” exclaimed Rob, “Does it run in the family? How old was your dad when he passed?”
“Did I say he was dead?” asked John. “He’s 81 and is more active then ever. He just joined the neighborhood basketball team!” responded John.
“Whoa! Well how old was your Grandfather when he died?”
“Did I say he died” asked John. Rob was amazed. “He just had his 105th birthday and plays golf and goes swimming each day! He’s actually getting married this week!”
“Getting married?!” Rob asked. If he’s 105, why on earth does he want to get married?!
John looked at Rob and replied, “Did I say he wanted to?”

 

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A group of Americans are touring Ireland:
One of the women in the group is a real curmudgeon, constantly complaining. "The bus seats are uncomfortable, food is terrible, too hot, too cold, accommodation is dreadful."
One day, the group arrives at the site of the famous Blarney Stone.
"Good luck will be followin’ ya all your days if you kiss the Blarney Stone." Their guide says. "Unfortunately, it’s being cleaned today and so no one will be able to kiss it. Perhaps we can come back tomorrow."
"We can’t be here tomorrow." The nasty woman shouts. "We have some other boring tour to go on. So I guess we can’t kiss the stupid stone."
"Well now." The guide says. "It is said that if you kiss someone who has kissed the stone, you’ll have the same good fortune."
"And I suppose you’ve kissed the stone?" The woman scoffs.
"No, ma’am." The frustrated guide responds. "But I have sat on it."

 

How many beers does it take to get a tropical bird drunk?

Toucans.

 

Two Glaswegians, Archie and Jimmy, are sitting in the pub discussing Jimmy's forthcoming wedding.
"Och, it's all goin' pure brilliant," says Jimmy. "Ar've got everythin' organised awready, the fluers, the church, the caurs, the reception, the rings, the minister, even ma stag night."
Archie nods approvingly.
"I've even bought a kilt to be married in!" continues Jimmy.
"A kilt?" exclaims Archie, "That's magic, you'll look pure smart in that.
What's the tartin?...."
"Och," says Jimmy, "A'd imagine she'll be in white.”