Off Topic Just for Mr RAWhite

.

 

Somewhere between 1955 and 2023, something went terribly wrong.

 

Well that's the new washing machine expertly plumbed in . . . .

 

Eh

 

Jasper Carrott:

I was at St Andrew’s on Saturday and bought a ticket for their golden goal competition.

If the time on my ticket matches the time they score I could win £1,000.

I opened the ticket and it read “October”.

 

Heard there was a man born with five dicks
Apparently the condoms fit him like a glove

 

A magician worked on a cruise ship. The audience was different each week, so the magician did the same tricks over and over again.

There was one problem. The captain's parrot saw the shows each week and began to understand how the magician did every trick. Once he understood, he started shouting in the middle of the show: "Look, it's not the same hat!" or "Look, he's hiding the flowers under the table" or "Hey, why are all the cards the ace of spades?"

The magician was furious, but couldn't do anything. It was, after all, the captain's parrot.

Then the ship sank. The magician found himself on a piece of wood in the middle of the sea with, as fate would have it, the parrot.

They stared at each other with hatred, but did not utter a word. This went on for a day and then another and then another.

Finally on the fourth day, the parrot could not hold back and said "OK, I give up. Where's the fu*king ship?"

 

please log in to view this image

 

More reasons to (not) shop at Morrison's

 

Golf and Mother Superior
A nun is sitting with her Mother Superior chatting, and confesses; "I used some horrible language this week and feel absolutely terrible about it."

"When did you use this awful language?" asks the Mother Superior.
"Well, I was golfing and hit an incredible drive, that looked like it was going to sail over 250 yards, but it struck a phone line that was hanging over the fairway, and then fell straight down to the ground after going only about 100 yards."

"Is that when you swore?" asked Mother Superior.
"No, Mother," says the nun. "After that, a squirrel ran out of the bushes and grabbed my ball in its mouth, and began to run away."

"Is THAT when you swore?" asks the Mother Superior again.
"Well, no." says the nun. "You see, as the squirrel was running, an eagle came down out of the sky, grabbed the squirrel in his talons and began to fly away!"

"Is THAT when you swore?" asks the amazed Mother superior.
"No, Mother. Oh no, not yet. As the eagle carried the squirrel away in its claws, it flew near the green and the squirrel dropped my ball."

"Did you swear THEN?" asked Mother Superior.
"Oh no, Mother. My ball fell on a big rock, bounced over the sand trap, rolled onto the green, and stopped about SIX inches from the hole."

The two nuns were silent for a moment then Mother Superior sighed, threw her hands in the air and said, "You missed the ****ing putt, didn't you?"

 

please log in to view this image

 

My son is taking going to jail pretty hard.
He's refusing all food, he's swearing and screaming and is highly unpleasant with anyone who comes near him.
He's graffitied the walls and is refusing to wear clothes.
As a family we're pretty united in our decision never to play Monopoly with him ever again.

 

please log in to view this image

 

please log in to view this image

 

please log in to view this image

 

This cost of living crisis is really killing me.

I've had to sell my oven, washing machine, fridge and all of my furniture, just so that I can afford to pay for my contents insurance !

 

please log in to view this image