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The barnsley joke page

Discussion in 'Barnsley' started by kiwiqpr, Mar 25, 2014.

  1. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member
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  2. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member
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    #13642
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  3. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member
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    My mates wife left him last week. She said she was going out for milk.
    I asked him how he was coping.
    He said it's ok, he's been using powdered stuff
     
    #13643
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  4. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member
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    Just been watching Women's golf on Sky. It's so much like real life...

    They're sh*t at driving but great with an iron!
     
    #13644
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  5. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member
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    An Irishman goes to the doctor, who after examining him says
    “You have some problems with your heart, but if you take these tablets, I think it will be okay.
    “So the doctor gives the man the tablets and the patient asks,
    “Do I have to take them every day?”
    No,” replies the doctor, “take one on the Monday, skip the Tuesday, take one on the Wednesday, skip the Thursday and go on like that.
    “Two weeks later the doctor is walking down the street, and he sees the patient’s wife.“Hello Mrs Murphy,” he says, “how’s your husband?”
    “Oh he died of a heart attack,” says Mrs Murphy.
    “I’m very sorry to hear that,” says the doctor, “I thought if he took those tablets he would be all right.”
    “Oh the tablets were fine,” says Mrs Murphy,
    “It was all the bloody skipping that killed him!”
     
    #13645
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  6. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member
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    #13646
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  7. Makemstine Roger

    Makemstine Roger Well-Known Member

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    #13647
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  8. Makemstine Roger

    Makemstine Roger Well-Known Member

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    #13648
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  9. Taffvalerowdy

    Taffvalerowdy Well-Known Member

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  10. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member
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    #13650
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  11. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member
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    Although Jesus was known as a Carpenter, he never actually sang on any of the album's.
     
    #13651
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  12. Makemstine Roger

    Makemstine Roger Well-Known Member

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    Three dogs were sitting in the waiting room at the vet's when they struck up a conversation. The Yellow Labrador turned to the Black Labrador and said, " So why are you here? "

    The Black Lab replied, "I'm a pisser. I piss on everything....the sofa, the curtains, the cat, the kids. But the final straw was last night when I pissed in the middle of my owner's bed." The Yellow Lab said, " So what's the vet going to do?

    "Gonna cut my nuts off " came the reply from the Black Lab. "They reckon it'll calm me down."

    The Black Lab then turned to the Yellow Lab and asked "Why are you here "

    The Yellow Lab said, "I'm a digger. I dig under fences, dig up flowers and trees, I dig just for the hell of it. When I'm inside, I dig up the carpets. But I went over the line last night when I dug a great big hole in my owners' couch." "So what are they going to do to you? " the Black Lab inquired. "Looks like I'm losing my nuts too," the dejected Yellow Lab said.

    The Black Lab then turned to the Great Dane and asked, "Why are you here?" "I'm a humper," said the Great Dane. "I'll hump anything. I'll hump the cat, a pillow, the table, fence posts, whatever. I want to hump everything I see." "Yesterday my owner had just got out of the shower and was bending down to dry her toes, and I just couldn't help myself. I hopped on her back and started hammering away."

    The Black and the Yellow Labs exchanged a sad glance and said,

    "So, it's nuts off for you too, huh?"

    The Great Dane said, "No. Apparently I'm here to get my nails clipped
     
    #13652
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  13. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member
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  14. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member
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  15. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member
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  16. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member
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  17. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member
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  18. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member
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    Somewhere between 1955 and 2023 things went terribly wrong…

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    #13658
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  19. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member
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    A man goes in for an interview for a job as a TV news broadcaster. The interview went quite well but the trouble was he kept winking and stammering.
    The interviewer said, "Although you have a lot of the qualities we're looking for, the fact that you keep winking and stammering disqualifies you."
    "Oh, that's no problem," said the man. "If I take a couple of aspirin I stop winking and stammering for an hour."
    "Show me," said the interviewer.
    So the man reached into his pocket. Embarrassingly he pulled out loads of condoms of every variety - colored and everything before he found the packet of aspirin. He took the aspirin and soon talked perfectly and stopped winking.
    The interviewer said, "That's amazing, but I don't think we could employ someone who'd be womanizing all over the country."
    "Excuse me!" exclaimed the man, "I'm a happily married man, not a womanizer!"
    "Well how do you explain all the condoms, then?" asked the interviewer.
    The man replied, "Have you ever gone into a pharmacy, stammering and winking, and asked for a packet of aspirin?"
     
    #13659
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  20. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member
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    A 95 year old man is crying on a park bench. “Sir,” says a concerned Policeman “what’s the matter?” “What’s the matter?” he says. “I went on a dating website after my wife died. This young woman sent me an email. She liked older men. She’s Swedish. We meet. It’s wonderful. She’s beautiful. She takes care of the apartment. She makes me eat gluten-free. I haven’t felt so good in years. My children love her. My grandchildren love her. And the sex..oh my god is great” “Well, that sounds wonderful,” the Policeman says. “So why are you crying?” “I can’t remember where I bloody live!”.
     
    #13660
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