Off Topic Just for Mr RAWhite

Seen before, but this worth another look . . . . old doesn't mean finished

 

Three dogs were sitting in the waiting room at the vet's when they struck up a conversation. The Yellow Labrador turned to the Black Labrador and said, " So why are you here? "

The Black Lab replied, "I'm a pisser. I piss on everything....the sofa, the curtains, the cat, the kids. But the final straw was last night when I pissed in the middle of my owner's bed." The Yellow Lab said, " So what's the vet going to do?

"Gonna cut my nuts off " came the reply from the Black Lab. "They reckon it'll calm me down."

The Black Lab then turned to the Yellow Lab and asked "Why are you here "

The Yellow Lab said, "I'm a digger. I dig under fences, dig up flowers and trees, I dig just for the hell of it. When I'm inside, I dig up the carpets. But I went over the line last night when I dug a great big hole in my owners' couch." "So what are they going to do to you? " the Black Lab inquired. "Looks like I'm losing my nuts too," the dejected Yellow Lab said.

The Black Lab then turned to the Great Dane and asked, "Why are you here?" "I'm a humper," said the Great Dane. "I'll hump anything. I'll hump the cat, a pillow, the table, fence posts, whatever. I want to hump everything I see." "Yesterday my owner had just got out of the shower and was bending down to dry her toes, and I just couldn't help myself. I hopped on her back and started hammering away."

The Black and the Yellow Labs exchanged a sad glance and said,

"So, it's nuts off for you too, huh?"

The Great Dane said, "No. Apparently I'm here to get my nails clipped

 

A male Collie went out to meet his girlfriend (his bitch).
He had in his mouth a bunch of daffodils, roses and tulips.
On the way there a man kidnapped him and took him home.
He threw the poor dog into the oven, still holding his daffodils, roses and tulips.
The man then added a block of English Cheddar.
His wife walked into the kitchen and exclaimed, "What the hell do you think you're doing?"
He replied; "I'm cooking our tea . . . . Collie Flower Cheese"

 

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SCAM WARNING @ Tesco's supermarket, while packing shopping in your car, you may be approached by 2 fit 18 year old East European girls, in tight tiny tops. They wash your windscreen with tits hanging out & ask for lift to next shop as payment.
On the way they strip
and go down on each other.
Then 1 climbs in the front and sucks you off while the other nicks your wallet!
I had mine stolen last Tues & Wed, twice on Thurs and again today.
Be careful

 

My german girlfriend likes to give me a rating out of 10 during sex.
For example last night I shoved it in her arse, she started shouting nine nine!

Best ****en score yet,

 

A bloke from the bush walked into a Sydney antique shop.
After looking around for a while, he noticed a very life-like bronze statue of a rat. It had no price tag, but it was so striking that he decided to buy it anyway.

He took it to the owner and said: 'How much is this bronze rat?'

The owner replied: 'It's $12 for the rat, and $100 for the story.'

The fellow gave the owner his $12 and said: 'I'll just take the rat, you can keep the story!'

As he walked off down the street, he noticed that a few real rats had crawled out of the drains and begun following him.
This was a little disconcerting, so he started to walk a little faster, but within a couple of blocks the swarm of rats had grown to hundreds, and they were all squealing and screeching in a very menacing way.

He increased his speed and ran on towards Sydney Harbour and as he ran, he looked behind him and saw the rats now numbered in their MILLIONS, and they were running faster and faster.
By now very concerned, he ran down to the pier and threw the bronze rat as far out into the water as he could. Amazingly, the millions of real rats jumped into the water after it and were all drowned.

The man walked back to relate all this to the shop owner, who said, 'Ah, you've come back for the story then?'

'**** no!' said the bloke, 'I came back to see if you've got a bronze Muslim,
a couple of Afghans, a Poof, and an Indian spin bowler the barstewards.

 

It was one of those rare occasions when I had the whole place to myself. So I opened up my favourite porn site, stripped off completely, and settled back in my chair for a lovely, long, slow, sensuous w*nk.
Then my colleagues came back from lunch.

 

Good advice

 

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One afternoon a little girl returned from school, and announced that her friend had told her where babies come from.
Amused, her mother replied, "Really, sweetie, why don"t you tell me all about it?"
The little girl explained, "Well... OK... the Mommy and Daddy take off all of their clothes, and the Daddy"s thingee sort of stands up, and then Mommy puts it in her mouth, and then it sort of explodes, and that"s how you get babies."
Her mom shook her head, leaned over to meet her, eye to eye and said,
"Oh, darling, that"s sweet, but that"s not how you get babies. That"s how you get jewellry."

 

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Last night a hypnotist convinced me that I was a soft metal with an atomic number of 82.
I'm easily lead.

 

A little polar bear says to his dad "Am I a polar bear ?"
Dad says "yes, son."
"Are you sure that I am not a black bear ?"
"Yes, son"
"What about a brown bear or maybe a panda with no black fur ?"
"No son, you are deffinitely a polar bear. Why all of these questions ?"
"Because I'm ****ing freezing, Dad."