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606 the ridiculous things that they banned

Discussion in 'General Chat' started by Bhoyzilla, Mar 6, 2011.

  1. EDGE

    EDGE Guest

    My African_Ger account got banned cos I posted an article with a link to a pic of an old **** sooking off a black fella.

    DAM U BBC!!!
     
    #21
  2. Hash.

    Hash. pure daycent

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    that was the same day as mine lol you showed me here how to change the link name <ok>
     
    #22
  3. EDGE

    EDGE Guest

  4. Bhoyzilla

    Bhoyzilla Member

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    I also posted this one ages ago and it got banned. An old story but a good un.<ok>



    Last weekend I saw something at Larry's Pistol & Pawn Shop that
    sparked my interest. The occasion was our 22nd anniversary and I was
    looking for a little something extra for my wife Toni. What I came
    across was a 100,000-volt, pocket/purse-sized taser. The effects of
    the taser were suppose to be short lived, with no long-term adverse
    affect on your assailant, allowing her adequate time to retreat to
    safety....

    WAY TOO COOL!

    Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home. I loaded
    two AAA batteries in the darn thing and pushed the button.

    Nothing!

    I was disappointed. I learned, however, that if I pushed the button
    AND pressed it against a metal surface at the same time I'd get the
    blue arc of electricity darting back and forth between the prongs.

    Awesome!!!

    Unfortunately, I have yet to explain to Toni what that burn spot is
    on the face of her microwave.

    Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that
    it couldn't be all that bad with only two AAA batteries... right?

    There I sat in my recliner, my cat Gracie looking on intently
    (trusting little soul) while I was reading the directions and thinking
    that I really needed to try this thing out on a flesh & blood moving
    target. I must admit I thought about zapping Gracie (for a fraction of
    a second) and thought better of it. She is such a sweet cat.

    But, if I was going to give this thing to my wife to protect hersel f
    against a mugger, I did want some assurance that it would work as
    advertised.

    Am I wrong?

    So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading
    glasses perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one
    hand, taser in another. The directions said that a one-second burst
    would shock and disorient your assailant; a two-second burst was
    supposed to cause muscle spasms and a major loss of bodily control; a
    three-second burst would purportedly make your assailant flop on the
    ground like a fish out of water. Any burst longer than three seconds
    would be wasting the batteries.

    All the while I'm looking at this little device measuring about 5"
    long, less than 3/4 inch in circumference; pretty cute really and
    loaded with two itsy, bitsy AAA batteries thinking to myself, "no
    possible way!"

    What happened next is almost beyond description, but I'll do my
    best.....

    I'm sitting there alone, Gracie looking on with her head cocked to
    one side as to say, "don't do it master," reasoning that a one-second
    burst from such a tiny little ole thing couldn't hurt all that bad....

    I decided to give myself a one-second burst just for the heck of it.
    I touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and

    HOLY MOTHER, WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION @!@$$!%!@*!!!

    I'm pretty sure Jessie Ventura ran in through the side door, picked
    me up in the recliner, and then body slammed us both on the carpet,
    over and over and over again. I vaguely recall waking up on my side in
    the fetal position, with tears in my eyes, body soaking wet, both
    nipples on fire, testicles nowhere to be found, with my left arm tucked
    under my body in the oddest position, and tingling in my legs. The cat
    was standing over me making meowing sounds I had never heard before,
    licking my face, undoubtedly thinking to herself, "do it again, do it
    again!"

    Note: If you ever feel compelled to "mug" yourself with a taser, one
    note of caution: there is no such thing as a one-second burst when you
    zap yourself. You will not let go of that thing until it is dislodged
    from your hand by a violent thrashing about on the floor. A three second
    burst would be considered conservative.

    SON-OF-A-.... that hurt like hell!!! A minute or so later (I can't
    be sure, as time was a relative thing at that point), I collected my
    wits (what little I had left), sat up and surveyed the landscape. My
    bent reading glasses were on the mantle of the fireplace. How did they
    up get there??? My triceps, right thigh and both nipples were still
    twitching.
    My face felt like it had been shot up with Novocain, and my bottom lip
    weighed 88 lbs.

    I'm still looking for my testicles. I'm offering a significant reward
    for their safe return.

    Still in shock,
    Tommy
     
    #24
  5. RAVENBLACK

    RAVENBLACK Well-Known Member

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    I got banned 6 times all in all.

    One was for recounting the infamous Mumtaz Indian restaurant in Aberdeen. One particularly aggressive woman had to be rushed to hspital after having a "special extra creamy Korma".

    Several stomach pumpings later and seven different jizz specimens were retrieved. The restaurant shut down soon afterwards needles to say.

    Quite why I was banned for that I shall never fathom out <ok>
     
    #25
  6. xLuKeYx

    xLuKeYx Member

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    I got banned for saying Scunthorpe, on the Scunthorpe board!?!?!?!?!

    Bunch of ****ing muppets.
     
    #26
  7. EDGE

    EDGE Guest

    Is that what happened to you Girvan?

    Stereotypist has the same problems <laugh>

    606 is ****e
     
    #27
  8. The Raging Oxter

    The Raging Oxter Well-Known Member

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    I've always wanted to be special!
     
    #28
  9. The Raging Oxter

    The Raging Oxter Well-Known Member

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  10. EDGE

    EDGE Guest

    Why are they doing that now?
     
    #30

  11. The Raging Oxter

    The Raging Oxter Well-Known Member

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    **** knows. Maybe ask TheHappyGiraffe how he got past them ;-)
     
    #31
  12. u408379965

    u408379965 Well-Known Member

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    I created this out of smileys to aim at WUMs. The Mods didn't approve.

    please log in to view this image
     
    #32
  13. Girvan Loyal 1690

    Girvan Loyal 1690 Nobody's safe now

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    is this blow your own trumpet day?
     
    #33
  14. Hyperupdate

    Hyperupdate Member

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    The ones with the link to this website :)
     
    #34
  15. EDGE

    EDGE Guest

    Brian, you're giving up Twitter?

    Where will be able to keep up with your going ons?
     
    #35
  16. Hash.

    Hash. pure daycent

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    edge stop spreading your hunish lies brain would never leave us in the lurch by quitting twitter
     
    #36
  17. EDGE

    EDGE Guest

    Thank Allah.

    Brians twitter keeps me going on those dark depressing days when it seems all is lost.
     
    #37
  18. Mick

    Mick Probably won't answer PMs
    Staff Member

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    I must admit I'm a big fan of Brains twitter myself <ok>
     
    #38
  19. EDGE

    EDGE Guest

    Who isn't Michael?

    Just the other day Stephen Fry was pleading with Brian to keep it going via his own Twitter.
     
    #39
  20. Hash.

    Hash. pure daycent

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    brain follows no one but the world hangs on brains every tweet
     
    #40

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