Any Good Jokes ..... Im bored

Im getting bored and tonights match does not really thrill me so any good jokes lads

 

Fifa

 

Caught my son masturbating to a porno me and his mam had made.

I was absolutely disgusted. I didn't even know he liked fat women

 

" I don't wash my underpants for 6 days"

Not the best answer to my new girlfriends fathers question..."what do you do for a crust?"

 

Whats the difference between roast beef and pea soup?

Anyone can roast beef.
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There was a fire at the circus. It was intents.

 

Eight signs . . . You're an idiot!

Idiot Number One

I am a medical student currently doing a rotation in toxicology at the poison control center. Today, this woman called in very upset because she caught her little daughter eating ants. I quickly reassured her that the ants are not harmful and there would be no need to bring her daughter into the hospital. She calmed down and at the end of the conversation happened to mention that she gave her daughter some ant poison to eat in order to kill the ants. I told her that she better bring her daughter in to the emergency room right away.

Here's your sign, lady. Wear it with pride.
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Idiot Number Two

Early this year, some Boeing employees on the airfield decided to steal a life raft from one of the 747s. They were successful in getting it out of the plane and home. Shortly after they took it for a float on the river, they noticed a Coast Guard helicopter coming toward them. It turned out that the chopper was homing in on the emergency locator beacon that activated when the raft was inflated. They are no longer employed at Boeing.

Here's your sign, guys. Don't get it wet; the paint might run.
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Idiot Number Three

A man, wanting to rob a downtown Bank of America, walked into the Branch and wrote this, "Put all your muny in this bag." While standing in line, waiting to give his note to the teller, he began to worry that someone had seen him write the note and might call the police before he reached the teller's window. So he left the Bank of America and crossed the street to the Wells Fargo Bank. After waiting a few minutes in line, he handed his note to the Wells Fargo teller. She read it and surmising from his spelling errors that he wasn't the brightest light in the harbor, told him that she could not accept his stickup note because it was written on a Bank of America deposit slip and that he would either have to fill out a Wells Fargo deposit slip or go back to Bank of America .

Looking somewhat defeated, the man said, "OK" and left. He was arrested a few minutes later, as he was waiting in line back at Bank of America.

Don't bother with this guy's sign. He probably couldn't read it anyway.
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Idiot Number Four

A motorist was unknowingly caught in an automated speed trap that; measured his speed using radar and photographed his car. He later received in the mail a ticket for $40 and a photo of his car. Instead of payment, he sent the police department a photograph of $40. Several days later, he received a letter from the police that contained another picture, this time of handcuffs. He immediately mailed in his $40. Wise guy...

But you still get a sign.
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Idiot Number Five

A guy walked into a little corner store with a shotgun and demanded all of the cash from the cash drawer. After the cashier put the cash in a bag, the robber saw a bottle of Scotch that he wanted behind the counter on the shelf. He told the cashier to put it in the bag as well, but the cashier refused and said, "Because I don't believe you are over 21." The robber said he was, but the clerk still refused to give it to him because she didn't believe him. At this point, the robber took his driver's license out of his wallet and gave it to the clerk.

The clerk looked it over and agreed that the man was in fact over 21 and she put the Scotch in the bag. The robber then ran from the store with his loot. The cashier promptly called the police and gave the name and address of the robber that he got off the license. They arrested the robber two hours later.

This guy definitely needs a sign.
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Idiot Number Six

A pair of Michigan robbers entered a record shop nervously waving revolvers.
The first one shouted, "Nobody move!"
When his partner moved, the startled first bandit shot him.

This guy doesn't even deserve a sign.
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Idiot Number Seven

Arkansas : Seems this guy wanted some beer pretty badly. He decided that he'd just throw a cinder block through a liquor store window, grab some booze, and run. So he lifted the cinder block and heaved it over his head at the window. The cinder block bounced back knocking him unconscious. It seems the liquor store window was made of Plexi-Glass. The whole event was caught on videotape.

Yep, here's your sign.
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Idiot Number Eight

I live in a semi-rural area. We recently had a new neighbor call the local township administrative office to request the removal of the Deer Crossing sign on our road. The reason: "Too many deer are being hit by cars out here! I don't think this is a good place for them to be crossing anymore."

STAY ALERT! They walk among us. They REPRODUCE

 

A reporter from the TV was interviewing a guy in Hartlepool about his imminent eviction from his council house. The house was a pigsty with flies and dirt and **** etc, and the guy was sitting almost inanimate in his chair.
So, the reporter was asking him about his feelings about being kicked out, with little obvious real reaction, when a dog walked in and shat in the front room, then walked out again. The reporter was shocked and assumed, as the dog seemed fairly comfortable with this, that it was the guys dog. Suddenly the guy sprang to life, got excited and told the reporter that they should "go away" and take their ******* dog with them.
True story, sad I know, but I couldn't help LOL ing. Thats Hartlepool for you!!!

 

How do you approach a Welsh cheese?

Caerphilly






What type of pasta fixes horse races?

Rigapony

 

What goes "Oooooo"?





A cow with nee lips.

 

A bit late Mitch but hopefully this brings a smile to your face.......

One night a guy takes his girlfriend home. As they are about to kiss each other goodnight at the front door, when the guy starts feeling a little horny.

With an air of confidence, he leans with his hand against the wall and smiling, he says to her, "Honey, would you give me a bj??

"Horrified, she replies, "Are you mad? My parents will see us!",
"Oh come on! Who's gonna see us at this hour?" he asks grinning at her.
"No, please. Can you imagine if we get caught?"?
"Oh come on! there's nobody around, they're all sleeping!"
"No way. It's just too risky!"
"Oh please, please, I love you so much?!?"
"No, no, and no. I love you too, but I just can't!"
"Oh yes you can. Please?"
"No, no. I just can't" "I'm begging you??...
"Out of the blue, the light on the stairs goes on, and the girl's sister shows up in her pyjamas, hair dishevelled, and in a sleepy voice she says,

"Dad says to go ahead and give him a bj, or I can do it. Or if need be, mom will do it, or even dad.
But for God's sake [NSFW]tell him to take his f***ing hand off the intercom!"[/NSFW]

 

....Very funny...

 

A bloke from (insert name here <usually Middlesbrough>) went home to find his daughter masturbating with a cucumber.

"That's disgusting that! I'm supposed to be eating that later. Now it's going to taste of cucumber"

 

...

 

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Dutch squad walk into a bar "Give us 24 shots please", The barman says, "what's the point?"

 

The England team visited an orphanage in Poland today. "Its heartbreaking to see their sad little faces with no hope" said Ivor, aged 6

 

Two nuns in a bath.One says to the other"where's the soap?" To which,she replies..it does,doesn't it!!!

 

I was going to reference kids from the 30/40's in Europe doing some facist **** and compare it to the 'Host Nations Ultra's' but I can't post pictures of Facists from the 30/40's on this site.

I find that funny

 

(this is not a racist joke by the way, i am not racist in any way) There was this pakistani, Jew and Newcastle supporter and they went to this boarding house and the landlady said, i am sorry but there is only room for 2 but one of you can stay in the barn. The Pakistani said i wil stay there. He comes back 5 mins later and says " i am sorry but due to my religion i cannot go in the barn because there is a cow there. The Jewish man says i will go in. He comes back and says i cannot stay in there because there is a pig in there. Then the Newcastle supporter goes in and 5 minutes later there is a knock on the landlady's door, and it is the pig and the cow!.