JACK-ANORY FOR A FUNNY STORY - Joke Thread & Comedy Club

Magical wish...

One day, down in the mystical forest, a magical frog was hopping towards a water hole. The forest was so enormous that the frog had never laid eyes on another animal before. But today, by chance a bear was chasing after a rabbit to have for dinner.

The frog called for the two to stop and said, "Because you are the only two animals I have seen, I will grant both of you three wishes. Bear, you can go first." The bear thought for a moment, and being the male he was, said, "I wish for all the bears in this forest, apart from me, to be female."

For his wish, the rabbit asked for a crash helmet, and immediately put it on. The bear was amazed at the stupidity of the rabbit, wasting his wish like that.

It was the bear's second turn for a wish. "Well, I wish that all the bears in the next forest were female as well."

The rabbit asked for a motorcycle and immediately hopped on it and roared the engine. The bear was shocked that the rabbit was asking for such idiotic items, because after all, he could have asked for money and bought the bike.

For the last wish the bear thought for a while and then said, "I wish that all the bears in the world, apart from me, were female."

The rabbit grinned, roared the engine, and said, "I wish that the bear was gay."

 

I saw an mk dons season ticket nailed to a tree
so I nicked the nail

 

Leasing Vs Purchasing
Leasing vs. purchasing analysis..

Many people cannot decide which is cheaper - purchasing or leasing…..


We'd like to help you decide by illustrating two charming stories of foolish men.
The math on the Paul McCartney - Heather Mills divorce was as follows:
After 5 years of marriage, he paid her $49 million.
Assuming he had sex with her every night during their 5 year relationship It ended up with him purchasing her @ $26,849 per episode.



Leasing

On the other hand,
New York Governor Eliot Spitzer's favorite hooker, Kristen,
Charged $4,000 per night.

So, had Paul McCartney "employed" Kristen for 5 years @ $4,000 per night,
He would have paid only $7.3 million in total for sex every night.
This represents a $41.7 million saving for Eliot.
What a shrewd man Eliot is, compared to the aging Beatle.
Further valuable benefits of this Leasing option are;
* a (real) 22 year old
* no need for coaxing / pleading / begging
* never a headache
* happily agrees to all technical requests
* no complaining * no Honey - please do this lists
*Best of all, she leaves and returns when asked.
All at 1/7th the cost and no legal fees.


Sometimes Leasing just makes more sense

 

Love that one!!!

 

Knocking on Heaven's Door

Huw Jenkins and Vincent Tan are both killed when a lightning bolt hits the lego land Stadium in an FA cup match.

In heaven, they are greeted by God and Tan is taken to his new home, a lovely country cottage with statues of cardiff footballing greats and angels singing cardiff club songs.

He was delighted until he suddenly heard some even more beautiful singing coming from the top of the hill. He listened closer and could hear some great jack army songs .

He looked up to see a great palace with statues of Ivor Alchurch and Robbie James and a party in the garden had beer flowing freely as the crowd watched the many best goals of the swans over the decades on a giant screen. Tan went to the Lord and said: “I don’t want to appear ungrateful - but why does Huw get the huge mansion?”

God said: “You’ve got it all wrong! That’s not Huws place - it’s mine.”

 

It looks like we are forgetting our friends up east lately ? they will be off on their holidays soon !

 

"Making gloves"...

A dentist was getting ready to clean an elderly lady's teeth. He noticed that she was a little nervous, so he began to tell her a story as he was putting on his surgical gloves...

"Do you know how they make these rubber gloves?" She said, "No?"

"Well", he spoofed, "down in Mexico they have this big building set up with a large tank of latex, and the workers are all picked according to hand size. Each individual walks up to the tank, dips their hands in, and then walk around for a bit while the latex sets up and dries right onto their hands! Then they peel off the gloves and throw them into the big 'Finished Goods Crate' and start the process all over again." And she didn't laugh a bit!!! Five minutes later, during the procedure, he had to stop cleaning her teeth because she burst out laughing.

The old woman blushed and exclaimed, "I just suddenly thought about how they must make condoms.
.................................................. .................................................


Tractor Salesman...

A farmer walked into a bar and saw the local tractor salesman sitting there, head hung low, obviously upset, drowning his sorrows in his beer.

"What's up, John?" asked the farmer.

"Gosh Bob, I'll tell you what ... if I don't sell a tractor soon, I'm gonna have to close my shop."

"Now John, things could be worse," said Bob.

"How do you figure?" asked John.

"Well, John - you know my ornery cow, Bessie? I went to milk her this morning and she just kept flicking her tail in my face. So I grabbed a piece of rope and tied it up to the rafter. Then, the nasty thing went and kicked the bucket away! So I tied her leg to the wall. Then she kicked my stool right out from underneath me! But I was out of rope. So I took my belt off and used it to tie her other leg to the other side of the stall. Well wouldn't you just know it...my damn pants fell down.

And John, if you can convince my wife that I was in there to MILK that cow, I'll buy a tractor from you TODAY!"

 

"Super Hero`s Party....
.................................................


It's annual superheroes new years party. Batman and Spiderman are chatting.
All of a sudden the Hulk rushes in all red and perplexed.

"Whats up" asked Batman?

"Well i was upstairs looking for the toilet and i passed the bedroom and saw Wonder Women naked on the bed and moaning and groaning. I started feeling randy and thought what the hell and jumped on top of her!"

"Was she surprised?" asked Spiderman.

"Yes but not as surprised as The Invisible Man!"

 

Two people in one grave...
A little girl and her Mum were walking back to the car after putting flowers on Grandma`s grave, when the little girl turns to Mum and says...

Mum,,,, why do they bury two people in one grave...

They don`t reply`s Mum...

But they do say`s the little girl.....

There is one that say`s Here rest`s David Cole ... A lawyer and an Honest man..

 

Ageing
HAVE YOU EVER BEEN GUILTY OF LOOKING AT OTHERS

YOUR OWN AGE AND THINKING, SURELY I CAN'T LOOK THAT OLD?

WELL......YOU'LL LOVE THIS ONE!

MY NAME is ALICE SMITH AND I WAS SITTING IN THE

WAITING ROOM FOR MY FIRST APPOINTMENT WITH A

NEW DENTIST. I NOTICED HIS DENTAL DIPLOMA,

WHICH BORE HIS FULL NAME.

SUDDENLY, I REMEMBERED A TALL, HANDSOME, DARK

HAIRED BOY WITH THE SAME NAME HAD BEEN IN MY

SECONDARY SCHOOL CLASS SOME 30-ODD YEARS AGO.

COULD HE BE THE SAME GUY THAT I HAD A SECRET

CRUSH ON, WAY BACK THEN?

UPON SEEING HIM, HOWEVER, I QUICKLY DISCARDED

ANY SUCH THOUGHT.

THIS BALDING, GREY HAIRED MAN WITH THE DEEPLY

LINED FACE WAS FAR TOO OLD TO HAVE BEEN MY

CLASSMATE. AFTER HE EXAMINED MY TEETH, I ASKED

HIM IF HE HAD ATTENDED MORGAN PARK SECONDARY SCHOOL .

'YES, YES I DID. I'M A MORGANNER! 'HE BEAMED WITH PRIDE.

'WHEN DID YOU LEAVE TO GO TO COLLEGE?' I ASKED

HE ANSWERED, IN 1965. WHY DO YOU ASK?

'YOU WERE IN MY CLASS!' I EXCLAIMED.

HE LOOKED AT ME CLOSELY.

THEN THE UGLY,

OLD,

BALD,

WRINKLED,

FAT ARSED,

GREY HAIRED,

DECREPIT,

BASTARD ASKED..

'WHAT SUBJECT DIDYOU TEACH'

 

Hue?

 

OK HUW mun

 

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While walking down the street one day a Member of Parliament is tragically hit by a truck and dies.
His soul arrives in heaven and is met by St. Peter at the entrance.
'Welcome to heaven,' says St. Peter.'Before you settle in, it seems there is a problem. We seldom see a high official around these parts, you see, so we're not sure what to do with you.'
'No problem, just let me in,' says the man.
'Well, I'd like to, but I have orders from higher up. What we'll do is have you spend one day in hell and one in heaven. Then you can choose where to spend eternity.'
'Really, I've made up my mind. I want to be in heaven,' says the MP.
'I'm sorry, but we have our rules.'
And with that, St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down to hell. The doors open and he finds himself in the middle of a green golf course. In the distance is a clubhouse and standing in front of it are all his friends and other politicians who had worked with him.
Everyone is very happy and in evening dress. They run to greet him, shake his hand, and reminisce about the good times they had while getting rich at the expense of the people.
They play a friendly game of golf and then dine on lobster, caviar and champagne.
Also present is the devil, who really is a very friendly & nice guy who has a good time dancing and telling jokes. They are having such a good time that before he realizes it, it is time to go.
Everyone gives him a hearty farewell and waves while the elevator rises....
The elevator goes up, up, up and the door reopens on heaven where St. Peter is waiting for him.
'Now it's time to visit heaven.'
So, 24 hours pass with the MP joining a group of contented souls moving from cloud to cloud, playing the harp and singing. They have a good time and, before he realizes it, the 24 hours have gone by and St. Peter returns.
'Well, then, you've spent a day in hell and another in heaven. Now choose your eternity.'
The MP reflects for a minute, then he answers: 'Well, I would never have said it before, I mean heaven has been delightful, but I think I would be better off in hell.'
So St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down to hell.
Now the doors of the elevator open and he's in the middle of a barren land covered with waste and garbage.
He sees all his friends, dressed in rags, picking up the trash and putting it in black bags as more trash falls from above.
The devil comes over to him and puts his arm around his shoulder. ' I don't understand,' stammers the MP.'Yesterday I was here and there was a golf course and clubhouse, and we ate lobster and caviar, drank champagne, and danced and had a great time. Now there's just a wasteland full of garbage and my friends look miserable. What happened? '
The devil looks at him, smiles and says, ' Yesterday we were campaigning.. ...

Today you voted.

 

Weather report for Iraq..... Tomorrow will be Sunni in places possibly turning Shi'ite later


http://www.boredpanda.com/texts-from-dogs/

 

Mexican weather forecast ...chili today , hot tamale ...

 

Suarez post match interview

[video]https://vine.co/v/hbgYtuJZOXt[/video]

 

A man was in a long line at his local Tecso store. As he got to the checkout, he realised he had forgotten to get condoms; so he asked the checkout girl if she could have some brought up to the register.


She asked, "What size condoms?"


The customer replied that he didn't know.


She asked him to drop his pants.


He did....


She reached over the counter, grabbed hold of him and called over the intercom, "One box of large condoms, Checkout 5."


The next man in line thought this was interesting and like most of us fellas, was up for a cheap thrill. When he got up to the checkout, he told the checker that he too had forgotten to get condoms and asked if she could have some brought to the checkout for him.


She asked him what size and he stated that he didn't know. She asked him to drop his pants. He did. She gave him a quick feel, picked up the intercom and said, "One box of medium-sized condoms, Checkout 5."


A few customers back was this teenage boy. He thought what he had seen was way too cool. He had never had any type of sexual contact with a female; so he thought this was his chance. When he got to the checkout, he told the checker he needed some condoms. She asked him what size and he said he didn't know. She asked him to drop his pants and he did. She reached over the counter, gave him a long, gentle squeeze then picked up the intercom and said......



(You'll love this one! So keep scrolling..................)























"Mop and bucket to checkout 5."

 

Nice 1 swantastic

I see you r still running with the ball. Thanks for the smiles mate. Who would have thought thousands of views later!!! Nice one

Over 40k views and counting but again removed from sticky status! That is one fifth of the total posts here....Some people never learn