JACK-ANORY FOR A FUNNY STORY - Joke Thread & Comedy Club

A scientific survey recently revealed a horrifying statistic that 25% of the women in this country are on medication for mental illness. That means that 75% of women are running around untreated!

 

What lies on its back, one hundred feet in the air?
A dead centipede.

 

A husband and wife have four sons. The oldest three are tall with red hair and light skin while the youngest son is short with black hair and dark eyes.
The father was on his deathbed when he turned to his wife and said, "Honey, before I die, be totally honest with me: Is our youngest son my child?"
The wife replied, "I swear on everything that's holy that he is your son."
With that, the husband passed away. The wife muttered, "Thank God he didn't ask about the other three."

 

A blonde walks by a travel agency and notices a sign in the window, "Cruise Special -- $99!". She goes inside, lays her money on the counter and says, "Id like the $99 cruise special, please." The agent grabs her, drags her into the back room, ties her to a large inner tube, then drags her out the back door and downhill to the river, where he pushes her in and sends her floating. A second blonde comes by a few minutes later, sees the sign, goes inside, lays her money on the counter, and asks for the $99 special. She too is tied to an inner tube and sent floating down the river. Drifting into stronger current, she eventually catches up with the first blonde. They float side by side for a while before the first blonde asks, "Do they serve refreshments on this cruise? The second blonde replies, " They didnt last year."

 

A man goes into a Chinese restaurant and asks for the octopus.
The waiter says; 'Ok, but it takes 8 hours to cook'.
The man asks; 'Why does it take so long'.
The waiter replies; 'because it keeps turning the gas off!!

 

My missus just said to me "Can you explain why I have just found a pair of women's knickers in your coat pocket?"
I said "Yes, because you're a f**k**g nosy bitch"

 

Teacher Arrested At Sydney Airport - Held in Isolation.

A secondary school teacher was arrested today at Sydney 's Kingsford Smith
Airport as he attempted to board an international flight while in possession
of a ruler, a protractor, a pair of compasses, a slide-rule and a
calculator.


At a press conference, an Australian Border Control spokesman said he
believes him to be a member of the notorious extremist Al-Gebra movement.


He did not identify the man, who has been charged by the Federal Police with
carrying weapons of maths instruction.

'Al-Gebra can be a problem for all of us', the Spokesman said. 'They derive
solutions by means and extremes, and sometimes go off on tangents in search
of absolute values. They maintain secrecy by using secret codenames such "X"
and "Y" and refer to themselves as "unknowns" but we have determined that
they belong to a common denominator of the axis of medieval with coordinates
in every country.'

As the Greek philosopher Isosceles used to say, "There are three sides to
every triangle".

When asked to comment on the arrest, Opposition Leader Bill Shorten said
- "If God had wanted us to have better weapons of maths instruction, He
would have given us more fingers and toes."

Fellow Labour colleagues told reporters they could not recall a more
intelligent or profound statement by the Opposition Leader.

 

In 2014 I joined a support group for procrastinators. We haven't met yet

 

A woman brings eight-year-old Johnny home and tells his mother that he was caught playing doctors and nurses with Mary, her eight-year-old daughter.

Johnny's mother says, "Let's not be too harsh on them... they're bound to be curious about sex at that age."

"Curious about sex?" replies Mary's mother. "He's taken her damn appendix out!"

 

I always wear an Arsenal top when I have sex with the wife to make sure I never come first

 

A drunk guy is walking down the street. He sees this nun, runs up and knocks her over. He says, "You don't feel so tough now, do you, Batman!?"

 

A boy asks his dad, “What’s the difference between potential and realistic?” The dad tells him to go ask the rest of his family if they’d sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars, and then he’d tell him the answer. The boy goes up to his mom and asks her. She responds, “A million dollars is a lot of money sweetheart. I could send you, your sister, and your brother to great colleges, so sure, I would!” He then goes and asks his sister to which she replies, “Brad Pitt? Hell ya, he’s the hottest guy ever!” Next, the boy asks his brother who replies, “A million dollars? Hell yes I would. I’d be rich!” When the boy excitedly returns to his dad with the family’s responses, the dad says, “Well son, potentially, we have three million dollars. Realistically, we have two sluts and a queer.”

 

Circus tragedy
Following the tragic death of the human cannonball, a spokesman for the circus said...

"We’ll struggle to get another man of the same calibre."

 

Three guys and a lady were sitting at the bar talking about their professions. The first guy says, "I'm a YUPPIE. You know, young, urban, professional." The second guy says, "I'm a DINK. You know, double income, no kids." The third guy says, "I'm a RUB. You know, rich urban biker." They turn to the woman and ask, "So what are you?" The woman replies, "I'm a WIFE. You know - Wash, Iron, ****, Etc."

 

They say that married men live the longest. It's ironic, since they're the ones most willing to die.

 

My wife gave me an ultimatum today. She said,"it's either me or Not606, you choose!"
So I'm afraid this is the last joke I tell in which I have a wife.