A Joke to take our minds off transfers

What do you call a geordie with 6 o levels

****in liar.

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How to grow dope.

plant a geordie.

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old but true.


H

 

Here goes:-

A hare is being chased through the forest by an almighty grizzly bear, after 10 minutes both the hare and the bear grind to a halt when they notice a magic lamp lying on the floor. The bear grabs the lamp and gives it a rub and BOOOSSSSSHHHHH a genie appears.
The Genie looks down and thanks both the bear and hare for releasing it from it's lamp, in return the genie vows to grants them both 3 wishes.
The bear snarls "Me first"
Bear - "I want all the female bears in this forest to be all over me and wanna sex me up"
Genie - "Done"
Hare - "Can I have a motorbike"
Genie - "Done"
Bear - "For my second wish, I want all the female bears in the county to be all over me and wanna sex me up"
Genie - "Done"
Hare - "Can I have a crash helmet please"
Genie - "Done"
Bear - "For my final wish, I want all the female bears in the world to be all over me and wanna sex me up"
Genie - "Done"
The genie turns back towards the hare for his final wish and the hare has got his crash helmet on and is already revving up the motorbike ready to leave, the Genie shouts "What do you want for your final wish Hare"

Hare - "I want that bear to be gay"

 

Villa's front line is now young and bent, apparently gary glitter has bought a season ticket

 

Andy Gray and Richard Keys out in the cold.

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some of you lot are actually pretty funny. prizes going to 56Danny and the baron at present.

 

Bit of an old one, but..

Sherlock Holmes and Dr Watson are on a camping trip. They're lying under a beautiful blanket of stars. Holmes says "Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see."

Watson says, "I can see all the stars in the heavens."

"What does that tell you, old chum?" asks Holmes.

"Well" , he says.."Astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo. Horologically, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three. Theologically, I can see that God is all powerful and that we are small and insignificant. Meteorologically, I suspect that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. What does it tell you, Holmes old chap?"

"Some twat's nicked our tent."

 

three men in a cafe, the first on says " i have got the smallest head in the world".

the second one says "i have got the smallest hands in the world".

the third one says " i have got the smallest dick in the world".

anyway they decide to take their claims to the guinness book of records,

the first one comes out all smiles with his certificate saying "smallest head in the world".

the second one comes out all smiles with his certificate saying "smallest hands in the world"

the third one comes out red faced and screaming "WHO THE **** IS ANDY CARROL"

 

ha ha

 

and then its 5-1....

 

Man - Doctor i keep beating my wife.

Doctor - Why?

Man - I have a superior jab, a weight advantage and more flamboyant footwork.