Off Topic And Now for Something Completely Different

Discussion in 'Hull City' started by Dr.Stanley O'Google, HCFC, Nov 20, 2015.

  1. John Ex Aberdeen now E.R.

    John Ex Aberdeen now E.R. Well-Known Member

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    Could this be feasible in the future?
     
    #2341
  2. Ernie Shackleton

    Ernie Shackleton Well-Known Member

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    Great idea.

    Now all we need to do is find a spare sixteen square kilometres in some of the most densely populated urban conurbations in the world and we'll be up and running.
     
    #2342
  3. BlackAndAmberGambler

    BlackAndAmberGambler Well-Known Member

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    Outside toilets on planes is a more realistic concept.
     
    #2343
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  4. Dr.Stanley O'Google, HCFC

    Dr.Stanley O'Google, HCFC Well-Known Member

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    This looks like Rolling Thunder; if so, Ronno was in among the musicians who played on the tour.

     
    #2344
  5. TIGERSCAVE

    TIGERSCAVE Well-Known Member

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    Stolen from the Sunderland site... they post some daft stuff...

    These are from a book called "Disorder in the Court" and are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and published by court reporters that had the torment of staying calm while the exchanges were taking place.


    ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?
    WITNESS: He said, 'Where am I, Cathy?


    ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you

    WITNESS: My name is Susan

    _____________________________

    ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?

    WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
    _____________________________ ______

    ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?
    WITNESS: No, I just lie there.
    _____________________________ _ ______

    ATTORNEY: What is your date of birth?
    WITNESS:July 18th.
    ATTORNEY: What year?
    WITNESS: Every year.
    _____________________________ _ _______

    ATTORNEY: How old is your son, the one living with you?
    WITNESS: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which.
    ATTORNEY: How long has he lived with you?
    WITNESS: Forty-five years.
    _____________________________ _ ___

    ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
    WITNESS: Yes.
    ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
    WITNESS: I forget.
    ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?
    _____________________________ _ ________

    ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep,

    he doesn't know about it until the next morning?

    WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
    _____________________________ ______

    ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the 20-year-old, how old is he?

    WITNESS: He's 20, very close to your IQ.
    _____________________________ ___________

    ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?
    WITNESS: Are you ****ting me?

    _____________________________ _ ___________
    ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) wasAugust 8th?
    WITNESS: Yes.
    ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?
    WITNESS: Getting laid

    ______________________________ ___________

    ATTORNEY: She had three children, right?

    WITNESS: Yes.
    ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
    WITNESS: None.
    ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
    WITNESS: Your Honor, I need a different attorney. Can I get a new attorney?
    _____________________________ ___________

    ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
    WITNESS: By death.
    ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?

    WITNESS: Take a guess.

    ._____________________________ _ ___________

    ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
    WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard.

    ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?

    WITNESS: Unless the Circus was in town I'm going with male.
    ______________________________ ______


    ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a
    deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
    WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
    _____________________________ _ ________

    ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?
    WITNESS: All of them. The live ones put up too much of a fight.


    _____________________________ _ _________

    ATTORNEY: ALL of your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you attend?
    WITNESS: Oral.

    ______________________________ ___________

    ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
    WITNESS: The autopsy started around8:30 PM.
    ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
    WITNESS: If not, he was by the time I finished.


    _____________________________ _ ___________
    ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
    WITNESS: Are you qualified to ask that question?
    _____________________________ _______

    ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
    WITNESS: No.
    ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
    WITNESS: No.
    ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
    WITNESS: No.
    ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
    WITNESS: No.
    ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
    WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
    ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
    WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law.
     
    #2345
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  6. Kempton

    Kempton Well-Known Member

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    Well played the Sunlan board. I prefer to believe this is all factual. It wouldn't surprise me and it's funnier that way <laugh>
     
    #2346
  7. TIGERSCAVE

    TIGERSCAVE Well-Known Member

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    My wife and I decided to take an organised trip to Afghanistan to see for ourselves what the place was like.
    It wasn't going well when the coach we where travelling on broke down a few miles east of the capital.
    We were stranded in a third world dump with streets full of angry bearded types glaring at us; the wife stood out in her brightly coloured sundress as all other women had head to toe burqas.
    We were extremely scared and convinced that we were in deep trouble.
    Just then, Dave the organiser, suddenly remembered that Bethnal Green had a tube station, so we were able to get safely to King’s Cross and on to Heathrow for the rest of our journey.
     
    #2347
  8. TIGERSCAVE

    TIGERSCAVE Well-Known Member

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    I'll never forget how happy I was when I saw my future wife walking down the aisle towards me. My heart was beating fast and the excitement was unbearable. It seemed to take an age but eventually there she was.

    I gave her a wink and said, "Get that trolley here love! They're doing 3 crates of Stella for the price of 2."
     
    #2348
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  9. TIGERSCAVE

    TIGERSCAVE Well-Known Member

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    To my friends who enjoy a glass of wine... and those who don't.
    As Ben Franklin said: In wine there is wisdom, in beer there is freedom, in
    water there is bacteria.
    In a number of carefully controlled trials, scientists have demonstrated
    that if we drink 1 litre of water each day, at the end of the year we would
    have absorbed more than 1 kilo of Escherichia coli, (E. coli) - bacteria
    found in faeces.
    In other words, we are consuming 1 kilo of poop.
    However, we do NOT run that risk when drinking wine & beer (or tequila, rum,
    whiskey or other liquor) because alcohol has to go through a purification
    process of boiling, filtering and/or fermenting.
    Remember: Water = Poop, Wine = Health.
    Therefore, it's better to drink wine and talk stupid, than to drink water
    and be full of sh*t.
    There is no need to thank me for this valuable information:
    I'm doing it as a public service ..
     
    #2349
  10. C'mon ref

    C'mon ref Well-Known Member

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    Joking aside Tigerscave it's the play on words that tickle me about English language, nothing wrong with the way it's written but of how a phrase is perceived, and probably taken the wrong way by different people. I used to have an argument at work with some guys after I had stated that Chinese was the hardest language in the World to learn, but they insisted that it was English.
     
    #2350

  11. John Ex Aberdeen now E.R.

    John Ex Aberdeen now E.R. Well-Known Member

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  12. Barchullona

    Barchullona Well-Known Member

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    Some reckon Hungarian is the hardest language to learn.

    Re a play on words this is one of my favourites. It was in a book that was by an American author about how he thought Americans have spoilt English.
    He wrote " When I was first in England I had a meal on a train. On the menu it said there was a range of condiments to compliment your meal. I wasn't too sure the meal deserved it but nevertheless gave my supplements to the chef.".
     
    #2352
  13. Barchullona

    Barchullona Well-Known Member

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    Another favourite showing the nuances of the English language was one my dad told me and was supposedly true.

    A naval officer was up for promotion. On his annual report his skipper wrote "A good officer who has been known to return on board drunk.". He went to see him and objected to the use of the word drunk as it could jeopardise his promotion chances. Fine, said the skipper, I will amend it. He wrote " A fine officer who has been known to return on board sober.".
     
    #2353
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  14. C'mon ref

    C'mon ref Well-Known Member

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    That's better, or worse <cheers>
     
    #2354
  15. Dr.Stanley O'Google, HCFC

    Dr.Stanley O'Google, HCFC Well-Known Member

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    Isn't Basque also difficult?

    (It would appear to have no connection/similarity with any other European language)
     
    #2355
  16. Barchullona

    Barchullona Well-Known Member

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    It is up there with them. Not a definitive list but translators listed the following as the most difficult-

    • Mandarin.
    • Arabic.
    • Hungarian.
    • Korean.
    • Finnish.
    • Basque.
    • Navajo.
    • Icelandic
     
    #2356
  17. John Ex Aberdeen now E.R.

    John Ex Aberdeen now E.R. Well-Known Member

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  18. spesupersydera

    spesupersydera Well-Known Member

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    A ''beam me up Scotty'' moment - it's great when it comes off, you look a prize one if it doesn't though <laugh>
     
    #2358
  19. Bum_Chinned_Crabski

    Bum_Chinned_Crabski Well-Known Member

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    What - you mean in that it never really happened?
     
    #2359
  20. Fez

    Fez Well-Known Member

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    Back in the day, when seeking to give some weight to how something was not as difficult as it appeared, the phrase 'It doesn't take the brains of a Chines Archbishop' would be uttered. Probably referring to the brain power needed to work in Chinese (Mardarin) and Latin. Didn't come across it outside of the forces.
     
    #2360

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