Off Topic And Now for Something Completely Different

You know who you are...

Most of us will have played 5-a-side at some point. If you have, then you will have encountered at least one of the following characters. Maybe you are one ? Here is a light hearted, and at times hilarious look at the various types of 5-a-side player. If I've missed any then feel free to add your own.

1) THE ORGANISER
Has more contacts than a phone book. Will do his utmost to ensure the game goes ahead, regardless of standard. Liable to turn up with a car-full that nobody knows.

2) THE LATECOMER
Throws his keys and phone behind the net, and has no intention of going in goal first. Most likely to say, "Sorry lads the traffic was terrible. Right, which team am I on ?". This is the organiser's nemesis, but due to low numbers he's always asked to play.

3) THE VETERAN
Oldest player on the pitch; always at the back. Played 11s at a good level. Knows all the tricks on both sides of the law, and reads the game like Beckenbauer. Most vulnerable in the last 20 minutes, when he employs the dark arts to keep any still lively youngsters in check.

4) THE BIG MAN
Nice touch for a big man. Overweight, but under-estimated. Has a foot like a pillow, and can control even the hardest of passes. Has a turning circle like a JCB, and never tracks back.

5) THE GOAL HANGER
Knows where the goal is - because he never strays more than two metres from it. Keeps an audible running tally of his goals. Will always argue that his goalscoring stats outweigh the refusal to defend. Most likely to say "why didn't you just pass it to me".

6) THE SHOOTER
Yes, he does have a good shot. But he's more Rambo than American Sniper, spraying the back wall with wayward piledrivers, while ignoring team-mates in better positions. Never apologises.

7) THE NUTTER/ASSASIN
Early 40s, a little bit overweight. A normally restrained guy, he'll let 20 years of frustration about his marriage and career come vomiting out the second he enters the pitch. The boards are his partner in crime, and he'll slam you into them like he's an ice hockey enforcer. Does slide tackles on any surface. Most likely to say "it's a man's game son".

8) THE GUY WITH THE ROBOCOP STYLE KNEE STRAP
This guy will always wear a knee strap that has undoubtedly been passed down through the generations. Is a first cousin of the guy who turns up in shin pads.

9) THE WEAKEST LINK
Worst player by a country mile. Usually a nice guy, which makes it impossible to dish out the bollocking he deserves on a weekly basis. The merest display of competence is lauded as if it were a winning goal in the World Cup Final.

10) THE NET DODGER
Will do anything to avoid his turn in goal. Prone to lingering at the other end of the pitch and avoiding eye contact. Will not accept that it's his turn until issued with court papers and frogmarched to the 'D'. Let's in a soft goal to get back out again.

11) THE HUMAN SCOREBOARD
Annoys everyone with his endless scorekeeping. Most vocal when his team are in front, but strangely silent when they are getting hammered. Prone to creative accounting when it suits him.

12) KEEPER
Is happy to spend an hour each week diving around on a cold, hard floor, whilst people hammer shots at him from 3 yards out. Wears padded trousers that look like they could withstand alien weaponry. Delights in shouting "we're wide open lads", "runners!!", and "do we f*cking want it ?". Even if the opposition are rubbish, a decent shot stopper will give them a fighting chance of nicking a win.

13) FULL KIT ****ER
No, just no.

14) EARLY LEAVER
Equally as bad as the guy who arrives late. We all know the feeling. It's a really good tight game, and there's nobody due on after your game, so you're keen to carry on a bit longer. But the minute the clock hits the hour, this guy grabs his keys and is away, to the dismay of everyone else. Momentum gone.

15) THE NON-PAYER
One of the tightest men you will ever meet. Will always claim that the money is in the car and he'll sort it after the game. The second the hour is up, he's out of sight and his car screeches off the car park. Big fan of saying "I'll fix you up next week".

 

No mention of 'THE VOMITER '?? He's the bloke who starts off like a steam train,tackling everyone in sight,organising,prompting(for the first 20 minutes).He then spends the next 20,gasping for breath,sweating profusely and eventually succumbs to finding a corner to wretch in....

I'm speaking from personal experience of the last time I played

 

I'e just had 2 boiled eggs for breakfast, thanks a ****ing lot Ben

 

The last time I played football my phone was inside a telephone box!

 

Why the long face?

 

Neigh lad.

 

Your new girlfriend?

 

You can dress up all you want - you don't fool anyone DT...

 

.

 

4, 5 and 6

 

OK, 3 too

 

I gave my friend 10 puns hoping that one of them would make him laugh. Sadly, no pun in ten did.