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Football jokes

Discussion in 'Leeds United' started by ellandback, Dec 3, 2012.

  1. ellandback

    ellandback Well-Known Member
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    What do you get if you see a Hull City fan buried up to his neck in sand?

    More sand



    Name three football clubs that contain swear words?

    Arsenal, Scunthorpe and ****ing Hull City.



    Steve Bruce offered to send his squad on an all expenses paid holiday to Florida but they declined.

    They'd rather go to Blackpool so they could see what it's like to ride on an open-top bus.



    Apparantly, Hull City football club is under investigation by the Inland Revenue for tax evasion. -

    they've been claiming for Silver Polish for the past 40 years.

    A Rovers fan and a Hull fan are strolling along Duke Street and suddenly the Rovers supporter says "Woooh! would ya look at that dead bird!".

    The City fan looks skywards and says "huh, Where???"



    How can you tell ET is a City fan?

    Because he looks like one.



    What would you get if Hull were relegated?

    15,000 more Leeds fans



    A Bloke walks into a bric-a-brac shop and sees an ornamental brass rat, the sort of thing women of a certain age love to put on the mantlepiece. He thinks "that'll be perfect for his Mother's birthday", so he asks the shopkeeper how much it is. "£25 for the rat, £100 for the story", replies the man. "Forget the story" says the bloke, and so buys the rat for 25 quid. He walks off down the road, but has not gone 30 yards when a rat comes up from the gutter and starts to follow him. Soon more arrive, and in a few minutes the whole street is a sea of rats, all following the bloke, who keeps walking until he comes to a cliff. He throws the brass rat over, and millions of rats follow, one after each other, plunging to certain death. The bloke them runs back to shop..... "Aaaah", says the shop keeper, "you'll be back for the story" "Screw the story - do you have a brass Hull City fan?"



    A Rovers and Hull fan get into a nasty car accident. Both vehicles are really wrecked, but amazingly neither of them are hurt. After they crawl out of their cars, the Hull fan says, "So you're a Rovers fan, that's interesting. I'm a Hull fan... Wow! Just look at our cars. There's nothing left, but fortunately we are unhurt. This must be a sign from God that we should meet and be friends and live together in peace the rest of our days." The Rovers fan replied,"Totally agree - this must be a sign from God! And look at this - here's another miracle. My car is completely demolished but this bottle of whisky didn't break. Surely God wants us to drink it, to celebrate the fact we are alive and kicking?" He hands the bottle to the Hull fan who nods his head in agreement, opens it and takes few big swigs from the bottle, then hands it back to the Rovers fan. The Rovers fan takes the bottle, immediately puts the cap back on, and hands back to the Hull fan. The Hull fan asks, "Aren't you having any?" The Rovers fan replies, "Nah...I think I'll just wait for the police......"



    A Hull fan is trapped on a remote desert island with a goat and a dog. Soon, the goat starts looking really attractive to the Hull fan. However, whenever he approaches the goat the dog growls in a threatening manner. The Hull fan takes the dog to the opposite side of the island giving it some food as a distraction. He runs back to the goat only to find the dog growling at him. The Hull fan ties the dog to a tree with a large leash. He goes back to the goat only to find the dog growling with a gnawed off leash around its neck. By now, the Hull fan is getting depressed and frustrated. As he sits under a palm tree staring out to sea, a beautiful woman in a tight-fitting wet suit emerges from the surf. She asks him who he is and, taking pity upon his lonely state, asks if there's ANYTHING she could do for him. The Hull fan thinks for a moment and then responds, "Could you take the dog for a walk?
     
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  2. ellandback

    ellandback Well-Known Member
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    Two Millwall fans bump into each other, and one said:
    "Where did you get such a great bike?"
    The other replied: "Well, I was walking along yesterday minding my own business when a beautiful woman rode up on this bike. She threw the bike to the ground, took off her clothes and said 'take what you want'."
    The first Millwall fan nodded approvingly: "Good choice" he said: "The clothes wouldn't have fitted."



    [HR][/HR]Q: If you see a Millwall fan on a bicycle, why should you never swerve to hit him?
    A: It might be your bicycle.



    [HR][/HR]A source inside Camelot has revealed that a man from New Cross was a recent lottery winner. The lucky man was delighted to announce that he had spent his winnings on a new player for his beloved Millwall. He said: "If my three numbers come up again I'll gladly buy them another!"



    [HR][/HR]Q: What do you call a female Millwall fan with 2 brain cells...?
    A: Pregnant.



    [HR][/HR]Kenny Jacket is out shopping in town when he sees an old lady struggling with her shopping
    KJ: Can you manage, love?
    Old Lady: F*ck off, you took the job, you're stuck with it



    [HR][/HR]Millwall sign a Bosnian. On his debut he scores a hat-trick and is feted by all. After the match he phones his mum to tell her how it went. She says: I'm glad things are going well for you, son - it's not too good here.
    People came to our house and wrecked it, your father was beaten up, your sister raped (as was the dog) and we're feeling pretty bad. I just wish you'd let us stay at home in Bosnia instead of bringing us here with you.



    [HR][/HR]Little Johnny: "Mum I want to be a Millwall season ticket holder when I grow up." Mum: "Make your mind up Johnny - you can't do both."
     
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  3. ellandback

    ellandback Well-Known Member
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    Currently on sale in the Millwall shop:

    MILLWALL TABLECLOTHS - Suitable for any occasion but tend to slip down the table after a short time - £4:99


    MILLWALL VIDEOS - All the highlights from the last 20 years action. This 10 min video, including lots of re-runs, is a perfect gift for any fan - £9:99


    MILLWALL BANNERS - Come complete with interchangeable slogans Eg: - "BOWRY OUT", "BURR OUT", "NEWMAN OUT", "LET ME OUT" etc. - £15:00


    "OUR LITTLE HERO" KEYRINGS - Come complete with model of Alan Gilzean (Our Hero) attached. - £0.50p each.


    MILLWALL JOKE BOOK - A MUST for all fans. This 900 page book is full of all the best jokes ever told about the club. - £25:00


    MILLWALL CONDOMS - Come in sizes from "Little Hero" to "BIG SADLIER". Ideal for the pricks in the South Stand. - £0:75p for life-time's supply. (3)


    MILLWALL BRA - One for the ladies. This bra, in team colours, comes with good support but no cups- £14:99


    KEEPER'S GLOVE - A must for any fans at the back of the stand, or near the corner flags to catch any shots our lads may have at goal. £8:99


    LEAGUE DIRECTORY - An item for the more discerning fan. This quality publication gives detailed directions to every 'Div 2 Nationwide' League Ground in the country. A snip at just £25:00


    MILLWALL LIPSTICK - Ideal for kissing goodbye. (To the play-offs, as worn by our players) £0:99p each


    BARGAIN BASEMENT - Don't miss the annual clearance sale of players. These come in all ages, (many are free of charge, spares or repairs).


    [HR][/HR]Q: What do you do if you find a Millwall fan staggering around in your kitchen?
    A: Re-load !!!
     
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  4. ellandback

    ellandback Well-Known Member
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    A spacecraft full of aliens lands at the Den and as soon as the occupants get out of the ship they all die, why?

    No atmosphere.


    A burglary was recently committed at The Den and the entire contents of the trophy room was stolen.

    The police are looking for a man with a blue carpet. <laugh>


    The fire brigade phones Kenny Jacket in the early hours of Sunday morning...
    "Mr Jacket sir, The Den is on fire!" "The cups man! Save the cups!" cries Kenny. "Uh, the fire hasn't spread to the canteen yet, sir."

     
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  5. ellandback

    ellandback Well-Known Member
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    Q: What do you do if a Millwall fan throws a pin at you?

    A:
    Run for your life... he's got a grenade in his mouth.
     
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  6. Proud Tiger

    Proud Tiger Active Member

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    1) Leeds
    2) Where are Leeds in the table right now
    3) What do you get when Elmohamady, Faye and Koren score?
    4) Ken Bates
    5) Neil Warnock
    6) Diouf
    7) Becchio
    8) Leeds
     
    #6
  7. Whitejock

    Whitejock Well-Known Member

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    OK, here's my guess at the questions to get these answers ....

    1) Best club in the world?
    2) What did Warnock say to encourage the team as part of his 'well done, lads' speech on Saturday?
    3) What's the first line of the worst joke in the world?
    4) Who have we finally managed to get rid of? Yee-haaa!
    5) Manager most likely to get a Yorkshire team promoted this season?
    6) Leading contender for Leeds Player of the Year ?
    7) Player about to enter the Leeds top 10 top scorers table?
    8) Team Dull look up to most.

    What's my prizw for guessing the questions right?
     
    #7
  8. ellandback

    ellandback Well-Known Member
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    Safe bet would be a big bottle of scotch...

    please log in to view this image
     
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  9. McGregor HU5

    McGregor HU5 Well-Known Member

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    1) Definately... sitting pretty 11th in the 2nd division in England.
    2) Why would a Hull City fan know that?
    3) "Yo mama..."?
    4) Still no Papa Allam.
    5) Last time we met, we absolutely dicked you, no?
    6) Not hard, is it really?
    7) About time.
    8) I know... we really aspire to be 6 places lower in the table.

    <ok>
     
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  10. FORZA LEEDS

    FORZA LEEDS Well-Known Member

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    I met a fairy today who granted me one wish. "I want to live forever" I said. "Sorry" said the fairy, "I can't grant wishes like that". "Ok" I said, "I want to die when Hull City have won more trophies than Leeds United".
    "You crafty ****!" said the fairy.
     
    #10

  11. ellandback

    ellandback Well-Known Member
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    Brilliant <ok>
     
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  12. Whitejock

    Whitejock Well-Known Member

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    Sorry Elland, but this is the best joke so far .....
     
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  13. Massimo Cellino

    Massimo Cellino Active Member

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  14. BoggersMOT

    BoggersMOT Well-Known Member

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    Last week, there I was having a chat with god, & I asked him when will Ken Bates open his wallet & put some money into Leeds United? 2050 said god. No good, I'll be dead by then. Sorry said god.

    Okay, I said, when will Millwall end up ahead of us in the table? 2050 said god. No good I said, all the 'Wall fans on here will be dead by then. Sorry said god.

    Alright I said, so when will Hull finish ahead of Leeds? I dunno god said, I'll be dead by then!!
     
    #14
  15. TC (Lovely Geezer)

    TC (Lovely Geezer) Well-Known Member

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    #15
  16. TC (Lovely Geezer)

    TC (Lovely Geezer) Well-Known Member

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    #16
  17. Pete Doherty

    Pete Doherty New Member

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    Northern banter :uhoh:
     
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  18. Proud Tiger

    Proud Tiger Active Member

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    That means he is dead already then?
     
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  19. ellandback

    ellandback Well-Known Member
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    Breaking News: Robin van Persie's North London apartment is on fire.

    Police suspect Arsene




    In the Summer, Robin Van Persie failed his first medical at Manchester United.


    He has a severely damaged back after carrying a full squad last season.
     
    #19
  20. Infidel

    Infidel Well-Known Member

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    Going back a good number of years i attended a match at Everton with a good friend of mine, we were in the Gwladys Rd end and a cross came over for Andy Gray, the goalie had slipped and was layed on the ground, wide open goal, 6 yds out, he jumps to head it in the open net, and put it over the bar, the crowd moaned, then a voice from behind us shouted, "if that had been Rummernigge he'd of scored that" a voice from the front of is replied "any ****ing n****r could of scored that" i absolutely pissed myself....funny true story.
     
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