Friday night at the Coed.

Welcome one and all to the sports bar of the Swansea City fans on Not 606.

The bar is called the Mary Hinge Sports bar. It has this name because Its very rude and one of the patrons Musty has no idea what it really means. Also because some of the older regulars like Dragon and Neveroffside can't get any for real.

The bar is huge and is open 24/7. It is jointly owned by PGF and Dilligaf which explains why it is open 24/7. Strangely PGF insists on Dilli not being allowed behind the bar so he runs that side of things and Dilli is in charge of entertainment.

The bar has got 18 big TV screens showing all the live football, an extensive menu with food from all over the world. We have to do this because the Swans are world famous and now attract fans from all over. Lauds is another regular often popping over from Oz. He and Musty like the kangaroo burgers. We have regular visitors from South Korea too which as luck would have it coincides with Swimaway making his visits to the dogs home to help them walking the dogs. There's good of him isn't it ? By the way I forgot to say that our Swim is in head chef and in charge of all catering.

The biggest table which is also the closet to our 24 foot TV cinema screen is reserved for special people only. These specials have their own seats at this table and also their own pint glasses behind the bar. This exclusive list includes DragonPhil, TLF, Bony, Jäger, SA9, Vetch, Norway, Goodland, Valley, Project, NiceWelshlumber, Stereo, Terror, Glamexile, Yankee, Mikra, Ash, Neveroff, Aswan, Mr G, Billybjack, Steve, Swantastic, Swanselona and Campion.

As you can see that is one very special list indeed. These buggers are here most nights sipping their beer and watching the football, some of the tight sods are even here when the Swans are playing too.

We have other patrons too and they are special in their own way.

Ivor is a vicar and our resident chaplain. He is tee total but he can turn water into wine and the sun really does shine out of his arse.

Dreyfus is the smelliest man alive and must sit in a side booth by himself. His farts have been known to strip paint off walls and his breath can kill squirrels from 50 yards.

FFS just has to sit by himself, he has to wear a straight jacket and can only drink through straws. He is the spitting image of that fat bastard on the Southern Comfort advert, the one walking on the beach. You can't miss him.

There is another regular but no one knows his name. He sits by himself and is often heard humming the tune You'll Never Walk Alone to himself. He is approx 158 years old and looks a bit like Davros. He wears a 1980 Liverpool shirt with Hitachi on it, approach with caution as we don't feed him after 9pm.

You might recognise the barmaids of you look closely. We have got Scarlett Johanssen, Cameron Diaz, Pippa Middleton and since they split up we took on Girls aloud. The only downside is because of political correctness we had to employ one mueller so that's why you see Charlotte Church working here too. We make her serve FFS


We also have like dancing too, we have 8 poles dotted around the place with scantily clad beauties gyrating. Occasionally things do go tits up when one of the regulars gets too pissed. Norway, Project and Steve are well known for this, all have suffered injuries when attempting to pole dance when pissed and falling head first. This explains the brain damage these 3 have got.


To finish I'll tell you the rules of the pub............

Any bollocks is allowed. You can talk about whatever you like ranging from your fixation with Helen Flannagans tits to your desire to shag Brendan Rodgers. In this bar you are encouraged to talk bollocks because trust me on this all the regulars are well capable of it.

The only thing you can't do is threaten anyone because that's not nice and we do have 4 bouncers to sort any stroppy drinks out. Our bouncers are Musty, Valley, Never and Ash.


So that's it, a basic rundown of our bar, pop in any time for a chat all are welcome. Any questions about our bar feel free to ask either PGF, Dilli or Swim the head chef. They might not answer cos they're either pissed our out dog walking.

ENJOY

 

Thanks Dill. I had a panic attack when I couldn't get mine. I had 77 points (because I am only a plastic ) but the computer told me I didn't have enough. I retried about 11 and I got through and it was sorted.

Thanks for looking out for me!

 

No problem mate, glad you had your tickets.
Ps were you on bus 4 yesterday ? I saw a bloke with very short hair with a young boy getting off and wondered if that was you.

 

Did he look like this? - http://www.bing.com/images/search?q...B4E7BCEDDF8ED31EAF800A00EE092&selectedIndex=3

 

No he was a scruffy sod

 

That was me

 

Had mine through the door today mate

 

Expensive! Haven't you got a letterbox?

 

Can't afford one Ivor my money goes on beer and the Swans

 

By the way my seats are in Row 1

So all you buggers could well see me on TV. I'll be the pissed one wearing a Swans shirt

 

Im in Row 30 so if I lob my pie down when the Swans score you should get it on the back of the head

 

NB Vic Reeves was in Chelsea, lol

 

Me too but I'm more famous than him

My mate reckoned that Suggs was there too, I didn't see him but he swears he was across the road from us when we were going into the ground. That Singha lager was bloody awful


Ps. I like steak and kidney pies

 

Not the real Vic Reeves! The lookalike who was in Norwich pissed up - I thought he was you

Singha beer £4.50 and I had a pie. I nearly fainted when my change (or lack of it) was handed back!

 

Yes, he was sitting further to my right and a few rows lower down.

 

He was three rows in front of me,lol. If the pies are £3.60 in Man U I won't be chucking one

 

The official buses will be stopping at that social club in Wigan again and they do some reasonable food there to be fair so no need to buy any pies in the ground. I can't remember how much the beer is I was too pissed last season to remember

 

...double post, shall I post a naked woman here...

 

They sell the pies off cheap there as we are leaving - you may have one on the back of the head yet

 

Try the gravy and chips there, bloody lovely.

ps, who does this remind you of ? I have to hide it in here away from the mods

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5wAKvp2NYb4