I got invited round to John Terry's house the other day. He was proudly showing me his new washing machine. i asked him, why have you got it on bricks at an angle and he said the instructions said that he had to wash the clothes at 30 degrees............
A man sits next to a blonde bird in a bar and notices that she is watching the TV, on screen is a news report about a man stood on a highrise building looking like he is about to jump. "£50 says he jumps" the man says to the blonde "You're on, I bet he doesn't!" she says and pulls fifty quid out of her purse. A minute later and the man on the ledge leaps into the air and plummets to his death below. The blonde gasps and pushes the £50 over to the man at the bar. He starts laughing and says "You keep your money, this is a repeat of the news from earlier on today, I knew the man was going to jump" The blonde replies "Wow, I saw the same thing on the news earlier too, I just never thought he'd jump of a second time"
Paddy was walking along the seafront when he saw a blonde walking towards him. She was staring at his feet. He stopped and asked her why. "Why have your boots got L and R painted on them?" she asked. "Dats so's I remember what way round to wear them. L for Left and R for Roight." he replied. "That's clever!" the blonde said. "Probably that's why my knickers have C & A on them..."
A man gets home all excited and shouts to his wife...."I've won the lottery, I've won the lottery!! Get packing". "What shall I pack for?" the wife asks excitedly, "hot or cold?" The husband replies...."I don't care.............JUST **** OFF!!"
Unlike a lot of men, February 29th holds no fear for me, because I know my girlfriend won't propose to me. She knows I'm already married.
I thought my wife was joking when she told me Davy Jones from the Monkees had died. Then I saw her face......
Three men - a Canadian farmer, Osama bin Laden and an Aussie are all walking together one day... They come across a lantern and a Genie pops out of it. 'I will give each of you one wish, which is three wishes in total', says the Genie. The Canadian says, 'I am a farmer and my son will also farm. I want the land to be forever fertile in Canada ' POOF! With the blink of the Genie's eye, the land in Canada was forever fertile for farming. Osama was amazed, so he said, 'I want a wall around Afghanistan , Palestine , Iraq and Iran so that no infidels, Americans or Canadians can come into our precious land.' POOF! Again, with the blink of the Genie's eye, there was a huge wall around those countries. The Aussie says, 'I am very curious. Please tell me more about this wall.' The Genie explains, 'Well, it's about 5,000 feet high, 5oo feet thick and completely surrounds the countries. Nothing can get in or out; it's virtually impenetrable.' The Aussie sits down on his Harley , cracks a beer, lights a cigarette, smiles and says, 'Fill the ****er with water.'
It was racist in the first place, characterising Irish as being stupid. The black bit I don;t get; are black women meant to be stupid like blondes?
I could have put disabled instead; my intention was to change the terminology so that Willy could see how hateful this particular 'joke' was. I have no wish to offend any particular group of people.
Where did I say that 'Paddy' was stupid? The emphasis was on the blonde. 'Paddy' could well have been cleverly overcoming his dyslexia. You made the other connection yourself. And being racist as well as offensive was a strange way for you to 'not offend any particular group of people'. I don't appreciate your changing my post into something that unacceptable, and I await your apology for doing so.
Well these jokes turned out well then....... Typical of being a QPR fan these days. Even a joke thread ends up going wrong!
One day a biker dies and finds himself in hell. As he is wallowing in despair, he has his first meeting with the devil... Satan: "Why so glum?" Biker : "Why do you think? I'm in hell!" Satan: "Hell's not so bad. We actually have a lot of fun down here. You a drinking man?" Biker : "Sure, I love to drink." Satan: "Well, you're gonna love Mondays then. On Mondays, that's all we do is drink. Whiskey, tequila, Guinness, wine coolers, Tab, and Fresca. We drink 'til we throw up and then we drink some more! And you don't have to worry about getting a hangover, because you're dead anyway." Biker : "Gee that sounds great!" Satan: "You a smoker?" Biker : "You better believe it." Satan: "All right! You're gonna love Tuesdays. We get the finest cigars from all over the world, and smoke our lungs out. If you get cancer, no biggie, you're already dead, remember?" Biker : "Wow...that's awesome!" Satan: "I bet you like to gamble." Biker : "Why, yes, as a matter of fact I do." Satan: "Good, ‘cause Wednesdays you can gamble all you want. Craps, blackjack, roulette, poker, slots, whatever. If you go bankrupt, it doesn't matter, you're dead anyhow." Biker : "Cool!" Satan: "What about Drugs?" Biker : "Are you kidding? Love drugs! You don't mean...?" Satan: "That's right! Thursday is drug day.. Help yourself to a great big bowl of crack or smack. Smoke a doobie the size of a submarine. You can do all the drugs you want. You're dead so who cares." Biker : "Wow! I never realized Hell was such a cool place!" Satan: "You gay?" Biker : "No..." Satan: "Ooooh, Fridays are gonna be tough...