Off Topic Heres a joke for you all

Davy Jones of the Monkees has had his first fight in Heaven. He bumped into Amy Winehouse and Whitney Houston and started singing Hey Hey it's the Junkies.....

 

Walking past the Scrubs the other day, I saw a midget prisoner climbing down the wall. He looked at me and sneered. I thought that's a little condescending.

 

Now I'm a bereaver

 

A farmer named Patrick lived alone in the countryside with a pet dog which he loved and doted on. After many long years of companionship, the dog finally died so Patrick went to the parish priest.
"Father, my dear old dog is dead. Could you be saying a mass for the creature?"
Father O'Reilly replied, "I am so very sorry to hear about your dog`s death but, unfortunately, we cannot have services for an animal in the church. However, there`s a new denomination down the road, no telling what they believe, but maybe they`ll do something for the animal."
Patrick said, "I'll go right now. Do you think $500 is enough to donate for the service?"
Father O'Reilly replied, "$500? Why didn't you tell me the dog was Catholic?"

 

I was watching an 18-rated film with my little son last night. He said,"Dad, I'm getting scared - Is that lady going to die?"

I replied,"probably son, judging by the size of that horses cock!"

 

Surprised not to find what I consider to tbe the definitive football joke on this thread so here goes.

A young man excitedly takes he seat at his first FA cup final. A few minutes after k/o he notices the gap between himself and the elderly gent in the next seat but one.

Tentatively he says, "stange to have an empty seat, don't you think"?

The elderly gent says, "Ah, young man. That was my wife's seat. We watched the FA cup final for many years sitting together until she passed away".

Uncomfortable at his near gaff, the young man blusters further. "Gosh, I'm so sorry to hear that", and then adds as an afterthought, "But surely another member of your family might have taken the seat"?

"Na", says the gent, "they are all at the funeral"!

 

It's not that dissimilar to the definitive golf joke involving the chap doffing his hat as the funeral cortege passes by along the road near the green, is it?

 

Uber. Of course it is the same. One reason I like it is it speaks of the mad passion and dedication required to do something as foolish as supporting a football club - using hyperbole of course! Probably

 

Lampard runs over to JT in training and says "JT! One of the Monkees has died!"

JT replies "Which one? Rio or Anton?"

You know what you are etc.....

 

If you're wondering why Muslim
terrorists are so quick to commit suicide.



Let’s have a look at the evidence:

- No Christmas

- No television

-No nude women

- No football

- No pork chops

- No hot dogs

- No burgers

- No beer

- No bacon

- Rags for clothes

- Towels for hats

- Constant wailing from some idiot in a tower

- More than one wife

More than one mother in law

- You can't shave

- Your wife can't shave

- You can't wash off the smell of donkey

- You cook over burning camel ****

- Your wife is picked by someone else for you

- and your wife smells worse than your donkey

Then they tell you that "when you die, it all gets better"??

Well no **** Sherlock!.... It's not like it could get much worse.

 

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Dr. Smith's Prescriptions

A flat-chested young lady went to Dr. Smith about enlarging her breasts Dr. Smith advised her, 'Every day after your shower, rub your chest and say, 'Scooby doobie doobies, I want bigger boobies!'

She did this faithfully for several months!

To her utter amazement she grew terrific D-cup boobs!

One morning she was running late, got on the bus, and in a panic realized she had forgotten her morning ritual.



Frightened she might lose her lovely b00bs if she didn't recite the little rhyme, she stood up in the middle aisle of the bus, closed her eyes and said, 'Scooby doobie, doobies, I want bigger boobies.'

A guy sitting nearby looked at her and asked, 'Oh! Are you a patient of Dr. Smith’s?

'Yes I am... How did you know?'

He winked and replied, " Hickory dickory dock "

 

HOW TO START A FIGHT

One year, I decided to buy my mother-in-law a cemetery plot as
a Christmas gift...

The next year, I didn't buy her a gift.

When she asked me why, I replied,

"Well, you still haven't used the gift I bought you last year!"

And that's how the fight started.....

________________________________


My wife and I were watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire while
we were in bed.

I turned to her and said, 'Do you want to have Sex?'

'No,' she answered. I then said,

'Is that your final answer?'

She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying, 'Yes..'

So I said, "Then I'd like to phone a friend."

And that's when the fight started...

________________________________




My wife and I were sitting at a table at her school
reunion, and she kept staring at a drunken man swigging his
drink as he sat alone at a nearby table.

I asked her, "Do you know him?"

"Yes", she sighed,

"He's my old boyfriend. I understand he took to drinking
right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear he
hasn't been sober since."

"My G od!" I said, "Who would think a person could go on
celebrating that long?"

And then the fight started...

________________________________


When our lawn mower broke and wouldn't run, my wife kept hinting
to me that I should get it fixed. But, somehow I always had
something else to take care of first, the shed, the boat,
making beer... Always something more important to me. Finally she
thought of a clever way to make her point.

When I arrived home one day, I found her seated in the tall
grass, busily snipping away with a tiny pair of sewing
scissors. I watched silently for a short time and then went into
the house. I was gone only a minute, and when I came out again
I handed her a toothbrush. I said, "When you finish cutting the
grass, you might as well sweep the driveway."

The doctors say I will walk again, but I will always have a limp.

______________________________


My wife sat down next to me as I was flipping channels.

She asked, "What's on TV?"

I said, "Dust."

And then the fight started...

________________________________


Saturday morning I got up early, quietly dressed, made my
lunch, and slipped quietly into the garage. I hooked up the
boat up to the van and proceeded to back out into a torrential
downpour. The wind was blowing 50mph, so I pulled back into the
garage, turned on the radio, and discovered that the weather
would be bad all day.

I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back
into bed. I cuddled up to my wife's back; now with a different
anticipation, and whispered, "The weather out there is
terrible."

My loving wife of 5 years replied, "And, can you believe my
stupid husband is out fishing in that?"

And that's how the fight started....

_______________________________


My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming
anniversary.

She said, "I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 150 in
about 3 seconds."

I bought her a bathroom scale.

And then the fight started......

______________________________


After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for Social Security. The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's License to verify my age.

I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at home. I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have to go home and come back later.

The woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt'. So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair.

She said, 'That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me' and she processed my Social Security application.

When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the Social Security office. She said, 'You should have dropped
your pants. You might have gotten disability too.'

And then the fight started...

________________________________


My wife was standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror. She was not happy with what she saw and said to me,

"I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you to pay me a compliment.'

I replied, "Your eyesight's darn near perfect."

And then the fight started...

________________________________


I rear-ended a car this morning...the start of a REALLY bad day! The driver got out of the other car, and he was a DWARF!!

He looked up at me and said 'I am NOT Happy!' So I said, 'Well, which one ARE you then?'

That's how the fight started.

 

From: [email protected]
Sent: Friday, March 09, 2012 1:47 AM
To: "Undisclosed-Recipient: ;"@smtp816.mail.ird.yahoo.com
Subject: Fw: Bedroom Golf






Bedroom golf... Here are the rules of the game.






1. Each player should furnish his own equipment for play - Men - one club and two balls.

2. Play on the course should be approved by the owner of the hole.

3. Unlike outdoor golf, the object is to get the club in the hole and keep the balls out.




4. For most effective play, the club should have a firm shaft. Course owners are permitted to check the shaft stiffness before play.

5. Course owners reserve the right to restrict club length to avoid damage to the hole.

6. The object of the game is to take as many strokes as necessary until the course owner is satisfied that play is complete.. Failure to do so may result in being denied permission to play the course again.




7. It is considered bad form to begin playing the hole immediately upon arrival at the course. The experienced player will normally take time to admire the entire course with special attention to the well formed bunkers.

8. Players are cautioned not to mention other courses they have played, or are currently playing, to the owner of the course being played. Upset course owners have been known to damage players equipment for this reason.

9. Players are encouraged to bring proper rain gear for their own protection.

10. Players should assure themselves that their match has been properly scheduled, particularly when a new course is being played for the first time. Previous players have been known to become irate if they discover someone else playing on what they considered to be a private course.

11. Players should not assume that a course is in shape for play at all times. Some players may be embarrassed if they find the course to be temporarily under repair. Players are advised to be extremely tactful in this situation. More advanced players will find alternative means of play when this is the case.

12. The course owner is responsible for manicuring and pruning any bush around the hole to allow for improved viewing of, alignment with, and approach to the hole.

13. Players are advised to obtain the course owners permission before attempting to play the back nine..

14. Slow play is encouraged. However players should be prepared to proceed at a quicker pace, at least temporarily at the course owners request.

15. It is considered outstanding performance, time permitting, to play the same hole several times in one match.

16. Should the course be closed for repairs and maintenance (normally once a month) The player can take the time and do some maintenance on his club by cleaning the shaft.

 

Arsenal will sign Lukas Podolski from Cologne for £11m, plus add-ons for any trophies he wins at the club, bringing the deal to around £11m.

 

A recent survey found one in three chelsea fans are just as ****ing stupid as the other two

 

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Tim joins a very exclusive nudist colony...

On his first day there, he takes off his clothes and starts to wander around.

A gorgeous petite blonde walks by, and the man immediately gets an erection.


The woman notices his erection, comes over to him and says, 'Did you call for me?'


The man replies, 'No, what do you mean?'


She says, 'You must be new here. Let me explain. It's a rule here that if you get an erection, it implies you called for me.'


Smiling, she leads him to the side of the swimming pool, lies down on a towel, eagerly pulls him to her and happily lets him have his way with her.


The man continues to explore the colony's facilities. He enters the sauna and, as he sits down, he farts....


Within minutes, a huge, hairy man lumbers out of the steam-room toward him, 'Did you call for me?' says the hairy man.


'No, what do you mean?' says the newcomer.


'You must be new,' says the hairy man, 'it's a rule that if you fart, it implies that you called for me.' The huge man easily spins him around, bends him over a bench and has his way with him.


The newcomer staggers back to the colony office, where he is greeted by the smiling, naked receptionist, 'May I help you?' she says.


The man yells, 'Here's my membership card. You can have the key back and you can keep the £500 membership fee.'


'But, Sir,' she replies, 'you've only been here for a few hours. You haven't had the chance to see all our
facilities.'


Tim replies, 'Listen lady, I'm 60 years old. I only get an erection once a month. I fart 35 times a day!!'

 

was devastated to find out my wife was having an affair but, by turning to religion, I was soon able to come to terms with the whole thing.

I converted to Islam, and we're stoning her in the morning.


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The wife suggested I get myself one of those penis enlargers, so I did.......
she's 21 and her name's Lucy.


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Went to the pub with my girlfriend last night. Locals were shouting "paedophile" and other names at me, just because my girlfriend is 21 and I'm 50.

It completely spoiled our 10th anniversary.


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The thing I love most about hot weather is the short skirts and low cut tops.... although, they do make me look a bit gay.


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Following the tragic death of the Human Cannonball at the Kent Show, a spokesman said "We'll struggle to get another man of the same calibre."


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My son was thrown out of school today for letting a girl in his class give him a hand-job. I said "Son, that's 3 schools this year. You'd better stop before you're banned from teaching altogether."


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Q: What's the difference between a blonde and a brick?
A: The brick doesn't follow you home after you lay it.



Just been to the gym. They've got a new machine in. Only used it for half an hour, as I started to feel sick.It's great though. It does everything - KitKats, Mars Bars, Snickers, Crisps, the lot.."


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Question - Are there too many immigrants in Britain ?

17% said yes; 11% said No; 72% said "I am notunderstanding the question please."


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On my Census form there is a question "Do you have any dependents?"
Apparently putting "Hundreds of Africans, Pakistanis, Somalis, single mums, Romanians, loafers, smack heads, and non-English speaking people" isn't the right answer.

They've sent my form back.


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The queen says she doesn't want the traditional fruit cake at her jubilee celebrations. Prince Phillip says he doesn't give a toss, he's still going.


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The cost of living has now gotten so bad that my wife is having sex with me because she can't afford batteries.


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Some bastard's just pinched a pair of my wife's knickers off the washing line. She's not bothered about the knickers but she wants the 12 clothes pegs back

 

A man who had just died was
delivered to a local mortuary
wearing an expensive,
expertly tailored black suit.

The female blond mortician
asked the deceased's wife how
she would like the body dressed.
She pointed out that the man did
look good in the black suit he is
already wearing.

The widow, however, said that
she always thought her husband
looked his best in blue, and that
she wanted him in a blue suit.
She gave the blond mortician a
blank check and said, 'I don't
care what it costs, but please
have my husband in a blue suit
for the viewing.'

The woman returned the next
day for the wake. To her delight,
she found her husband dressed
in a gorgeous blue suit with a
subtle chalk stripe;
the suit fit him perfectly...

She said to the mortician,
'Whatever this cost, I'm very
satisfied.. You did an excellent
job and I'm very grateful.
How much did you spend?'

To her astonishment, the blond
mortician presents her with the
blank check.

'There's no charge,' she said.

'No, really, I must compensate
you for the cost of that exquisite
blue suit!' she said.

'Honestly, mam, the blond
said, 'it cost nothing. You see, a
deceased gentleman of about
your husband's size was brought
in shortly after you left yesterday,
and he was wearing an attractive
blue suit. I asked his wife if she
minded him going to his grave
wearing a black suit instead, and
she said it made no difference as
long as he looked nice.'

'So I just switched the heads.'





BET YOU DIDN'T SEE THAT COMING!!

 

ok, not usually for the public but....


A man walks to the edge of a cliff where a little girl is sobbing her eyes out,
he looks over the cliff to see a car engulfed in flames.....
He looks at the little girls and says...Are you ok ?"
"yes"
"is that your car down their in flames?"
"yes"
"is that your mum, dad and family in thier dead?"
"yes
"well" says the man, whopping out his cock. "just not your f-ing day is it!"