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Off Topic Heres a joke for you all

Discussion in 'Queens Park Rangers' started by kiwiqpr, Feb 23, 2012.

  1. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member
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    #10881
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  2. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member
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    #10882
  3. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member
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    Social Distancing.....
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    #10883
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  4. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member
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    So I was at Lidl earlier with my service dog. The lady in front of me at checkout had about £200 worth of toilet paper in her shopping trolley.

    With an attitude she asked me what type of dog I had. I told her it was my service dog. Then she got real sarky and said, I knew that. What type of service? I said he was an ALD.

    By now he was licking her face and hands being super friendly. She said, what is a ALD? I told her it stood for Ass Licking Dog. She said Ass Licking Dog? I said yeah, he has been trained to lick my bum clean, because I can't seem to be able to find toilet paper because of hoarders. The cashier completely lost it.
     
    #10884
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  5. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member
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    A couple meet at a speed dating venue. The guy says, "how about we skip all the formalities and just get married". She replied, "but we dont know each other" "No problem" he says, "we'll get to know each other over time". She says "do you know what, I've got nothing to lose lets go for it" So they get married and jet off to the Caribbean for their honeymoon. On the first day they are lounging by the pool when the guy suddenly gets up, walks to the deep end of the pool and climbs to the very highest diving board. He dives off, performs a triple somersault and enters the water like a knife. "Wow"she says "that was some dive". "Yes" he says " I was an Olympic diver and have three gold medals. See, I told you we would get to know each other as we went along". With that she gets up, dives into the pool and does fifty lengths, returns to the sun lounger and not even breathing heavily. "Wow" he says, "were you an Olympic endurance swimmer". "No" she replied, "I was a prostitute in Liverpool but I worked both sides of the Mersey"
     
    #10885
  6. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member
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    #10886
  7. Wooperts_duck

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    #10887
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  8. Wooperts_duck

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    #10888
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  9. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member
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    #10889
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  10. Wooperts_duck

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    #10890
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  11. Wooperts_duck

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    #10891
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  12. Wooperts_duck

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    #10892
  13. Wooperts_duck

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    #10893
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  14. Wooperts_duck

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    #10894
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  15. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member
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    At our local chippy, they still use old newspaper to wrap up their fish and chips.

    Yesterday I got a plaice in the sun
     
    #10895
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  16. Wooperts_duck

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    A circus owner runs an ad for a "lion tamer wanted" and two people show up.
    One is an old golfer in his seventies, the other a drop-dead gorgeous brunette with a great body in her twenties.
    The circus owner tells them, "I'm not going to sugar coat it. This is one ferocious lion.
    He ate my last tamer so you two had better be good or you're history.
    "Here's your equipment… a chair, a whip and a gun. Who wants to try out first?"


    The gorgeous brunette says, "I'll go first."
    She walks past the chair, the whip and the gun and steps right into the lion's cage.
    The lion gets all heated up, starts to snarl and pant and begins to charge her.
    As he gets close, the gorgeous brunette throws open her coat, revealing her beautiful, perfect naked body. The lion stops dead in his tracks, sheepishly crawls up to her and starts licking her feet and ankles. He continues to lick and kiss every inch of her body for several minutes, then lays down and rests his head at her feet


    The circus owner's jaw is on the floor!! He says, "That's amazing! I've never seen anything like that in my life!"
    Then he turns to the old golfer and asks, "Can you top that?"



    The tough old golfer replies… "Possibly... but you've got to get that lion out of there first."
     
    #10896
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  17. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member
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    A doctor's toilet was blocked so he rang the plumber. The plumber said "It's early hours of the morning can't it wait?" The doc said "If you were ill I'd have to come out".
    The plumber said "Fair enough" and called at the docs.

    He lifted the toilet seat and threw in two paracetamol and said "Give it a few days and if it's still the same give me a call"
     
    #10897
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  18. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member
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    Old Tom and Elsie were in the cinema. Tom was fussing and fidgeting, Elsie asks "Whats wrong with you? Stop messing!
    Tom replies "I've dropped a caramel and I think its gone under the seat"
    "Well, leave it! It will be covered in dust and fluff"
    I would, but my dentures are stuck in it!"
     
    #10898
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  19. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member
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    Just dropped a tube of this on my foot.......

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    #10899
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  20. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member
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    #10900
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