A married Irishman went into the confessional and said to his priest, 'I almost had an affair with another woman.' The priest said, 'What do you mean, almost?' The Irishman said, 'Well, we got undressed and rubbed together, but then I stopped.' The priest said, 'Rubbing together is the same as putting it in. You're not to see that woman again. For your penance, say five Hail Marys and put $50 in the poor box.' The Irishman left the confessional, said his prayers, and then walked over to the poor box. He paused for a moment and then started to leave. The priest, who was watching, quickly ran over to him saying, 'I saw that! You didn't put any money in the poor box!' The Irishman replied, 'Yeah, but I rubbed the $50 on the box, and according to you, that's the same as putting it in!'
Little Johnny asked for a bike for his Birthday. His dad said: "We'd get you one but our mortgage is £80,000 and your mum has lost her job." Next day little Johnny walked out with his suitcase packed, his dad asks: "Where you going son?" Little Johnny replied: "I walked past your room last night and heard you tell mum you were pulling out, then I heard mum tell you to wait coz she was coming too, I'm not staying here on me own with an £80,000 mortgage and no fu*king bike!"
Went to Bosworth battlefield yesterday. There’s a plaque in the ground there that says King Richard the 3rd fell here. I’m not surprised. I nearly tripped over it myself!
Further to my efforts of growing my Stella Artois tree it's coming along nicely. It’s got buds.... please log in to view this image
Off to University in an attempt to improve my Cuppa Soup making technique. I'm doing a Bachelors Degree.
So as I get older, I think of all the people I've lost along the way please log in to view this image ... Maybe a career as a tour guide wasn't for me?