ECONOMIC CRISIS TOP TIP. To avoid the expense of feeding the children's goldfish, simply place the bowl in the freezer overnight, stick them back on top of the telly and no-one will be any the wiser.
This morning I met a man carrying a door handle. I asked him why he had it. He said, “It gets me out of the house."
A married Irishman went into the confessional and said to his priest, "I almost had an affair with another woman." The priest said, "What do you mean, almost?" The Irishman said, "Well, we got undressed and rubbed together, but then I stopped." The priest said, "Rubbing together is the same as putting it in. You’re not to see that woman again. For your penance, say five Hail Mary’s and put $50 in the poor box." The Irishman left the confessional, said his prayers, and then walked over to the poor box. He paused for a moment and then started to leave. The priest, who was watching, quickly ran over to him saying, "I saw that. You didn’t put any money in the poor box!" The Irishman replied, "Yeah, but I rubbed the $50 on the box, and according to you, that’s the same as putting it in!"
ECONOMIC CRISIS TOP TIP. To avoid the expense of buy wasp/fly killer this summer, simply steal a jar of jam from your elderly neighbour, whilst you're consoling her about the state of the country, simply dab a bit on her hat, easy and you can do it again and again and again.
ECONOMIC CRISIS TOP TIP. To get a classic striped lawn without the expense of actually mowing it, simply lay strips of lino across your lawn for two weeks, when you roll it up you'll be the envy of the neighborhood.
International Sandwich Day tomorrow. A great British gift to the world. Invented by Lord Wellington of Cardigans.
You used to be full of beans, but you've obviously made a hash of everything by putting all your eggs in one basket. I'd say you have mushroom for improvement !
My mates wife left him last week. She said she was going out for milk. I asked him how he was coping. He said it's ok, he's been using powdered stuff
Just been watching Women's golf on Sky. It's so much like real life... They're sh*t at driving but great with an iron!
An Irishman goes to the doctor, who after examining him says “You have some problems with your heart, but if you take these tablets, I think it will be okay. “So the doctor gives the man the tablets and the patient asks, “Do I have to take them every day?” No,” replies the doctor, “take one on the Monday, skip the Tuesday, take one on the Wednesday, skip the Thursday and go on like that. “Two weeks later the doctor is walking down the street, and he sees the patient’s wife.“Hello Mrs Murphy,” he says, “how’s your husband?” “Oh he died of a heart attack,” says Mrs Murphy. “I’m very sorry to hear that,” says the doctor, “I thought if he took those tablets he would be all right.” “Oh the tablets were fine,” says Mrs Murphy, “It was all the bloody skipping that killed him!”