JACK-ANORY FOR A FUNNY STORY - Joke Thread & Comedy Club

Little johny walks in on his mum & dad having a jump dad laughs and says get out you little **** ! 5mins later they hear shouts and screams from the next room, dad runs in and is horrified to see little johny bending his granny over the bed trying to roger her . Johny shouts " not so ****ing funny when its your mum IS IT !".

 

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A man was riding his Harley along a California beach, when suddenly the sky cleared above his head and in a booming voice, the Lord said, 'Because you have tried to be faithful to me in all ways, I will grant you one wish.'

The biker pulled over and said, 'Build a bridge to Hawaii so I can ride over anytime I want.'

The Lord said, 'Your request is materialistic. Think of the enormous challenges for that kind of undertaking; the supports required reaching the bottom of the Pacific and the concrete and steel it would take! It will nearly exhaust several natural resources. I can do it, but it is hard for me to justify your desire for worldly things. Take a little more time and think of something that could possibly help mankind.'

The biker thought about it for a long time. Finally, he said, 'Lord, I wish that I and all men could understand women; I want to know how she feels inside, what she's thinking when she gives me the silent treatment, why she cries, what she means when she says nothing's wrong, why she snaps and complains when I try to help, and how I can make a woman truly happy.'

The Lord replied, 'You want two lanes or four lanes on that bridge?'

 

swainseye, now that is classic!!!!!!

 

Did anyone here take part?

http://www.walesonline.co.uk/news/wales-news/2011/06/20/skinny-dipping-world-record-attempt-on-rhossili-beach-91466-28905796/

This was how they were a few seconds later!

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Married man left work early one Friday, but instead of going home, he spent the weekend partying with the boys.
When he finally returned home on Sunday night, his wife really got on his case and stayed on it.

After a few of hours of swearing and screaming, his wife paused and pointed at him and made him an offer.
"How would you like it if you didn't see me for a couple of days?".....

The husband couldn't believe his luck, so he looked up, smiled and said, "That would suit me just fine!!"

Monday went by, and the man didn't see his wife.

Tuesday and Wednesday went by and he still didn't see her.

Come Thursday, the swelling went down a bit and he could see her a little out of the corner of his left eye .

 

A woman stopped by unannounced at her recently married son's house. She rang the doorbell and walked in. She was shocked to see her daughter-in-law lying on the couch, totally naked. Soft music was playing and the aroma of perfume filled the room.

"What are you doing?" she asked.

"I'm waiting for my husband to come home from work," the daughter-in-law answered.
"But you're naked!" the mother-in-law exclaimed.
"This is my LOVE dress," the daughter-in-law explained.
"LOVE dress? But you're naked!"
"My husband LOVES me to wear this dress," she explained.
"It excites him no end. Every time he sees me in this dress, he instantly becomes romantic and ravages me for hours on end. He can't get enough of me."

The mother-in-law left. When she got home, she undressed, showered, put on her best perfume, dimmed the lights, put on a romantic CD, and lay on the couch waiting for her husband to arrive. Finally, her husband came home.
He walked in and saw her lying there so provocatively.
"What are you doing?" he asked.

"This is my LOVE dress," she whispered, sensually.

"Needs ironing," he said. "What's for dinner?"

 

A Welshman walks into his bedroom with a sheep under his arm and says: "Darling, this is the pig I have sex with when you have a headache."

His girlfriend is lying in bed and replies: "I think you'll find that's a sheep, you *****."

The man says: " I think you'll find I wasn't talking to you."

 

a man and wife are in bed one night and the woman is wondering to herself (like everynight)why her husband shakes underneath the bed sheets every time they have sex.
so she says to herself "ok tomorow im gonna get to the bottom of it".

next night in the middle of screaming sex she stops and looks under the sheets and what she see's is a long pink device of pleasure.

"a vibrator" she shouts. he looks nervous.
she says "all these years you been lying to me using a vibrator during sex explain your self .



so he says


"ok i'll explain the vibrator ,you explain the kids"

 

A man in Wales buys several sheep, hoping to breed them for wool. After several weeks, he notices that none of the sheep are getting pregnant, and phones a vet for help. The vet tells him that he should try artificial insemination. The farmer doesn't have the slightest idea what this means but, not wanting to display his ignorance, only asks the vet how he will know when the sheep are pregnant.

The vet tells him that they will stop standing around and instead will lie down and wallow in grass when they are pregnant. The man hangs up and gives it some thought. He comes to the conclusion that artificial insemination means he has to impregnate the sheep himself.

So, he loads the sheep into his Land Rover, drives them out into the woods, has sex with them all, brings them back, and goes to bed. Next morning, he wakes and looks out at the sheep.

Seeing that they are all still standing around, he deduces that the first try didn't take, and loads them in the Land Rover again.

He drives them out to the woods, bangs each sheep twice for good measure, brings them back, and goes to bed exhausted.

Next morning, he wakes to find the sheep still just standing round.

"Try again" he tells himself, and proceeds to load them up again, does his thing, drives home, and falls listlessly into bed.

The next morning, he cannot even raise himself from the bed to look out of the window. He asks his wife to look, and tell him if the sheep are lying in the grass.

No," she says, "they're all in the Land Rover, and one of them is beeping the horn."

 

snow white, quasi modo and prince charming were chatting. snow white said, did you know that there is a magic mirror, and it told me that i was the most beautiful lady in the land. prince charming looked at her and thought, well i must be the most handsome! so off he went to ask the mirror. on his return he told them that he had consulted the magic mirror, and it told him, that he was the most handsomest in the land. quasi openly said, then i must be the ugliest!
snow white and the prince told him, go consult the mirror. OK he said, and off he went.
when he returned they both said, well??
Who the f**k is Iain Dowie?

 

Man walks into a bookshop and asks for a self help book for men with small penis's..... Sales assistant replies "I don't think it's in yet"............... and the man say's Yep that's the one.... Boom Boom..

 

Got a dog off the local blacksmith today as soon as i got him home he made a bolt for the door.

Man goes to the doctors says after i masterbate i cant help shouting out BLOOBIRDS !! Doctor says dont worry a lot of ****ers do that !

My girlfriend dumped me she said all i think about is football ! gutted we been together 10 seasons !

Ive been given 2 weeks to live ! wifes going away for a fortnight.

I saw a car full of bloobird fans crash in the river this morning . Being a responsable person i notified the relevant emergency services, they have still not responded yet ! now im starting to think i may have wasted a stamp.

Just got banned from the local mosc ! i was standing there watching during prayers and, well.... i ....just couldnt help myself..... I ****ing love leap frogging !!!!!!!

I got chucked off dragons den ! appareantly telling Debra Meaden to **** off and get me a tea while the men talk business is unacceptable !!

 

Why wasn't baby Jesus born in Cardiff ? . They couldn't find 3 wise men or a virgin !

 

HEALTH MESSAGE:
1. If walking/cycling is good for your health, the postman would be immortal.
2. A whale swims all day, only eats fish, drinks water and is fat.
3. A rabbit runs and hops and only lives 15 years.
4. A tortoise doesn't run and does nothing...yet lives for 450 years.
AND YOU TELL ME TO EXERCISE!

 

The family wheeled Grandma out on the lawn, in her wheelchair, where the activities for her 100th birthday were taking place.
Grandma couldn't speak very well, but she could write notes when she needed to communicate.
After a short time out on the lawn, Grandma started leaning off to the right, so some family members grabbed her, straightened her up and Stuffed pillows on her right.
A short time later, she started leaning off to her left, so again the family grabbed her and stuffed pillows on her left.
Soon she started leaning forward, so the family members again grabbed her and tied a pillowcase around her waist to hold her up.
A grandson, who arrived late, came up to Grandma and said, "Hi, Grandma; you're looking good! How are they treating you?"
Grandma took out her little notepad and slowly wrote a note to the grandson, "They won't let me fart."

 

SCOTCH?

On the first day of school, the children brought gifts for their teacher.

The florist's son brought the teacher a bouquet of flowers.

The candy-store owner's daughter gave the teacher a pretty box of candy.

Then the liquor-store owner's son brought up a big, heavy box. The teacher lifted it up and noticed that it was leaking a little bit..
She touched a drop of the liquid with her finger and tasted it. "Is it wine?" she guessed. "No," the boy replied. She tasted another drop and asked, " Champagne? "No," said the little boy..............
"It's a puppy!"

 

Paddy decides to become a professional boxer so his manager sends him for a medical
A week later he 'phones Paddy and says 'Paddy you've got sugar diabetes'
'Great' Paddy replies,'When do I fight the f*cker?'

 

Had a pressie from my Uncle, turned out to be a box of rice - thanks Uncle Ben