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JACK-ANORY FOR A FUNNY STORY - Joke Thread & Comedy Club

Discussion in 'Swansea City' started by swimaway, Jun 18, 2011.

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  1. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member
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    #6661
    Wooperts_duck, Jan 24, 2020
    daimungeezer, Taffvalerowdy and Victor like this.
  2. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member
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    #6662
    Wooperts_duck, Jan 24, 2020
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  3. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member
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    #6663
    Wooperts_duck, Jan 24, 2020
    mustyfrog, daimungeezer, Victor and 1 other person like this.
  4. Taffvalerowdy

    Taffvalerowdy Well-Known Member

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    #6664
    Taffvalerowdy, Jan 25, 2020
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  5. Taffvalerowdy

    Taffvalerowdy Well-Known Member

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    #6665
    Taffvalerowdy, Jan 25, 2020
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  6. Taffvalerowdy

    Taffvalerowdy Well-Known Member

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    #6666
    Taffvalerowdy, Jan 25, 2020
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  7. mustyfrog

    mustyfrog Well-Known Member

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    There is an overweight guy who is watching TV. A commercial comes on for a guaranteed weight loss of 10 pounds in a week. So the guy, thinking what the hell, signs up for it. Next morning an incredibly beautiful woman is standing at his door in nothing but a pair of running shoes and a sign about her neck that reads, "If you can catch me, you can have me." As soon as he sees her, she takes off running. He tries to catch her, but is unable. This continues for a week, at the end of which, the man has lost 10 pounds. After this he tries the next weight loss plan, 15 pounds in a week. The next morning an even more beautiful woman is standing at the door, in similar conditions. The same happens with her as the first woman, except he almost catches her. This continues for a week, at the end of which he, as suspected, weighs 15 pounds less. Excited about this success, he decides to do the master program. Before he signs up, he is required to sign a waiver and is warned about the intensity of this plan. Still he signs up. The next morning, waiting at the door, is a hulking 300 pound muscle man with nothing but a pair of running shoes, a raging erection, and a sign around his neck that says, "If I catch you, you're mine!" The man was supposed to lose 25 pounds in the week; he lost 34.
     
    #6667
    mustyfrog, Jan 26, 2020
    daimungeezer, Wooperts_duck and swantastic like this.
  8. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member
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    Dave the Scouser is touring the USA. Along the way, he stops off at a remote bar in the Nevada desert and chats to the bartender when he spots a Red Indian in full tribal dress seated in the corner of the bar.

    "Blimey!" remarks Dave. "Who's he?"

    "Gee, that's the memory man," replies the bartender. "He knows everything there is to know. Got a memory like an elephant, he can remember any fact. Heck, go and try him out!"

    Dave heads over to the Red Indian, thinking that he can outsmart him with a question about English football.

    He asks the memory man, "Who won the 1965 FA cup final?"

    "Liverpool," came the instantaneous reply.

    Dave was stunned. He tried again asking, "Who did they beat?"

    "Leeds," replied the memory man.

    Dave tried once more asking, "What was the final score?"

    The wise Red Indian didn't hesitate in answering, "2-1."

    Dave thinks he'll get smart, asking the memory man for the name of the winning goal scorer. Without so much as blinking, the Red Indian says, "Ian St John."

    Dave is stunned and returns home to Liverpool, where he tells everyone about the Red Indian. Dave's curiosity lingers, and he vows to return to America and pay his respects to the Indian. Ten years later, Dave finally saved up enough money to return and, after weeks of searching the Nevada desert, once more he finds the Red Indian, now in a cave.

    Humbled by the Red Indian, Dave steps forward, bows, and greets the brave in his traditional tongue.

    "How," Dave says.

    The memory man squints at him and replies, "A diving header in the six-yard box."
     
    #6668
    Wooperts_duck, Jan 27, 2020
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  9. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member
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    #6669
    Wooperts_duck, Jan 27, 2020
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  10. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member
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    #6670
    Wooperts_duck, Jan 27, 2020
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  11. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member
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    #6671
    Wooperts_duck, Jan 27, 2020
    daimungeezer and Number 1 Jasper like this.
  12. kiwiqpr

    kiwiqpr Barnsie Mod

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    #6672
    kiwiqpr, Jan 27, 2020
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  13. kiwiqpr

    kiwiqpr Barnsie Mod

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    I took my new girlfriend home to meet my parents the other day. After saying hello my Dad pulled me to one side and whispered "you could have done better than that son. She's the ugliest pig I've ever seen! She must weigh 23 stone. Covered in spots. lips like a cod, shes got a beard, shes cross eyed, got a bald head, size 15 feet and she ****ing stinks!!"
    I said "there's no need to whisper dad she's deaf!...
     
    #6673
    kiwiqpr, Jan 27, 2020
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  14. kiwiqpr

    kiwiqpr Barnsie Mod

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    The inventor of inappropriately timed innuendo jokes died yesterday.
    His wife is taking it hard.
     
    #6674
    kiwiqpr, Jan 27, 2020
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  15. kiwiqpr

    kiwiqpr Barnsie Mod

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    #6675
    kiwiqpr, Jan 27, 2020
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  16. kiwiqpr

    kiwiqpr Barnsie Mod

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    #6676
    kiwiqpr, Jan 27, 2020
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  17. kiwiqpr

    kiwiqpr Barnsie Mod

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    #6677
    kiwiqpr, Jan 27, 2020
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  18. kiwiqpr

    kiwiqpr Barnsie Mod

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    #6678
    kiwiqpr, Jan 27, 2020
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  19. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member
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    #6679
    Wooperts_duck, Jan 27, 2020
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  20. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member
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    #6680
    Wooperts_duck, Jan 27, 2020
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