JACK-ANORY FOR A FUNNY STORY - Joke Thread & Comedy Club

Hahaha!

 

A Russian woman married a Canadian gentleman and they lived happily ever after in Toronto. The poor lady was not very proficient in English, but did manage to communicate with her husband. The real problem arose whenever she had to shop for groceries.

One day, she went to the butcher and wanted to buy chicken legs. She didn't know how to put forward her request, so, in desperation, clucked like a chicken and lifted up her skirt to show her thighs. Her butcher got the message and gave her the chicken legs.

Next day she needed to get chicken breasts, again she didn't know how to say it, so she clucked like a chicken and unbuttoned her blouse to show the butcher her breasts. The butcher understood again and gave her some chicken breasts.

On the 3rd day, the poor lady needed to buy sausages. Unable to find a way to communicate this, she brought her husband to the store...

(Please scroll down.)












What were you
thinking?

Her husband speaks English!

Now get back to your emails.

I worry about you
sometimes!

 

Letter to Mr. Cameron - Genius!!

Dear Mr. Cameron,
Please find below my suggestion for fixing the UK's economy.

Instead of giving billions of pounds to banks that will squander the money on lavish parties and unearned bonuses, use the following plan.

You can call it the Retirement Plan:
There are about 10 million people over 50 in the work force. Pay them £1 million each severance for early retirement with the following stipulations:
1) They MUST retire.
Ten million job openings - unemployment fixed
2) They MUST buy a new British car.
Ten million cars ordered - Car Industry fixed
3) They MUST either buy a house or pay off their mortgage
Housing Crisis fixed
4) They MUST send their kids to school/college/university
Crime rate fixed
5) They MUST buy £100 WORTH of alcohol/tobacco a week
And there's your money back in duty/tax etc. It can't get easier than that!
P.S. If more money is needed, have all members of parliament pay back their falsely claimed expenses and second home allowances. If you think this would work, please forward to everyone you know.
Also, let's put the pensioners in jail and the criminals in a nursing home.
This way the pensioners would have access to showers, hobbies and walks.
They'd receive unlimited free prescriptions, dental and medical treatment,
Wheel-chairs etc and they'd receive money instead of paying it out.
They would have constant video monitoring, so they could be helped instantly, if they fell, or needed assistance. Bedding would be washed twice a week, and all clothing would be ironed and returned to them. A guard would check on them every 20 minutes and bring their meals and snacks to their cell. They would have family visits in a suite built for that purpose. They would have access to a library, weight room, spiritual counselling, pool and education.
Simple clothing, shoes, slippers, PJ's and legal aid would be free, on equest.
Private, secure rooms for all, with an exercise outdoor yard, with gardens.
Each senior could have a PC a TV radio and daily phone calls. There would be a board of directors to hear complaints, and the guards would have a code of conduct that would be strictly adhered to.
The criminals would get cold food, be left all alone and unsupervised. Lights off at 8pm, and showers once a week. Live in a tiny room and pay £600.00 per week and have no hope of ever getting out.
Think about this (more points of contention):
COWS
Is it just me, or does anyone else find it amazing that during the mad cow epidemic our could track a single cow, born in Appleby almost three years
Ago right to the stall where she slept in the county of Cumbria? And, they even tracked her calves to their stalls. But they are unable to locate 125,000 illegal immigrants wandering around our country. Maybe we should give each of them a cow.

 

Jackswan







Outstanding

 

Idiot Names

IDIOTS producing smaller idiots will continue to be allowed to name them, it has been confirmed.

The announcement comes as latest research showed that people are regularly naming their young after celebrity diseases, types of moss and fungi and most of the rebel planets in Star Wars.

Meanwhile, one little girl from Doncaster was named 0901 233 1212 after Jedward's phone voting number in this year’s X Factor.

Helen Archer, a registrar at Darlington Borough Council, said: "I've had to Botox my face to disguise the looks of disgusted disbelief . One couple wanted to name their daughter using the 'WingDings' font."

Although traditional names such as Kylie and Pikachu still dominate the list of popular names, this year's cultural phenomena showed their influence, with several children christened 'Quantitative Easing' and 'Climate Change Denier'.

A government spokesman said: "While we try to minimise the colossal risk many parents pose to their children - stopping them from getting the little ones drunk at their own christening, introducing them to the vague notion of peas, stuff like that - there are still many areas in which we can't interfere.

"Germany has the right idea with its list of officially-sanctioned names, but they all sound like the director's commentary in a scat video. So, swings and roundabouts, really."

Nikki Hollis, a Peterborough mother of six, said: "I just wanted my kids to have classy names, so I called them Diamonique, Shanterika, Waitrose, Escalade, Tiara and Malibu.

"I'm hoping to have a boy next as I'm quite partial to the name 'Avatar'. I think you'll find it's a type of vodka."

 

A guy walked into a pub and immediately noticed a young lady at the bar on her own. After a couple of drinks, he decided to offer her a drink and make small talk.

"What's your name?" he asked.

"Carmen," she replied.

"That's a nice name," he said. "Did your mother or father name you that?"

"Neither," she said. "I changed my name when I was 18 from Sharon to Carmen."

"Why did you do that?" he asked.

"Well," she explained, "I like men and I like cars, so that is how I got my name. What's your name?"

"Swansbeertits," the man replied.

 

A 75-year-old Townhill man goes to confession and tells the priest, "Forgive me father for I have sinned. When Swansea got promoted to the Premiere League, I got completely smashed in Wind Street and then I had sex with two 20-year-old girls, and I had sex with each one three times."

The priest says, "How long has it been since your last confession, my son?"

The man says, "I have never been to confession, I am an atheist."

"So why are you telling me this?" asks the priest.

The man says, "I'm telling everybody!"

 

Q: Why do bulimics love KFC?
A: Because it comes with a bucket.

 

I was walking around Knightsbridge yesterday and I saw Didier Drogba coming out of Harrods. Although I can't stand the bloke, I thought here's a good opportunity to make a few quid on eBay. So I ran up to him and asked him for his autograph and he was kind enough to oblige.I never realised his real name was Venus Williams.

 

Some unusual road signs

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When I was a kid, I used to pray every night for a new bike. Then I realised, the Lord doesn't work that way. So I just stole one and asked Him to forgive me ... and I got it!


I'm not a practising Catholic, but I did give up picking my belly button for lint.

 

An old man is stopped by police at 1 in the morning and asked where hes going this time of night.He says "to a lecture about alcohol abuse and effects on the human body".Copper says" really who is giving a lecture on that at this time of night?"Bloke says "The f**king wife"

 

http://youtu.be/cQqvNsiMJeU
kadiff fans got their season tickets then !

 

A Swansea fan takes his seat on a plane next to a beautiful blonde who is reading a book entitled 'Amazing sexual facts'
'interesting book?' he asks
'yes' she replies,'did you know that the american indian has the thickest penis in the world whilst the Irish have the longest?Oh!How rude of me-my name is Emma-what's yours?'
The jack replies,'Tonto O'Malley'

 

My Cardiff vermin supporting mate learned three things today. 1 he is going to be a dad, 2 he is going to be an uncle, and 3 . . . . His sister is not on the pill

A man approaches a young woman in a shop. "Excuse me" he says. "I cant find my wife, can I talk to you for a few minutes?" The woman says "Sure, but do you have any idea where your wife is?" "Not a clue." He says, "But whenever I talk to a woman with tits like yours, she appears out of ****ing nowhere"

My Girlfriend is at home in bed with the Flu so I sent a text: "Wish I could make you better" She Replied "Thanks, but I'm sure the antibiotics will start working soon" I sent back: " No, I meant bigger Tits and smaller arse"

The wife came out of the bathroom after her shower, stark naked and walked into the bedroom. She said to me "Babe, shut the curtains, I don't want the neighbours to see me naked.""Don't worry," I replied, "if the neighbours see you naked, they'll shut their own ****in curtains!"

 

Irish firing squad

Have you heard about the irish firing squad that stood in a circle?
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

This sign was prominently displayed in the window of a business in Glamorgan, South Wales

'WE WOULD RATHER DO BUSINESS
WITH 1000 AL QAEDA TERRORISTS
THAN WITH A SINGLE BRITISH SOLDIER!'

......You are probably outraged at the thought of such an inflammatory statement..........

However, we are a society which holds 'Freedom of Speech' as perhaps our greatest liberty.

After all, it is 'only a 'SIGN' you may say ... but, what business would dare to post such a sign?






Answer ... 'A FUNERAL PARLOUR'. WHO SAID UNDERTAKERS HAD NO SENSE OF HUMOUR?

 

Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He doesn't seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed. The other guy takes out his phone and calls the emergency services.
He gasps: "My friend is dead! What can I do?" The operator says: "Calm down, I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead." There is a silence, then a gunshot is heard.
Back on the phone, the guy says: "OK, now what?"

 

A woman is driving along the M4 when her husband rings her mobile phone. "Honey I've just heard on the radio there's a maniac driving the wrong way down the motorway, be careful".
She replies, " I know and it's not just one there's hunderds of them"

 

Sometimes...
when you cry....
no one sees your tears..

Sometimes...
when you are in pain.
no one sees your hurt.

Sometimes..
when you are worried...
no one sees your stress

Sometimes..
when you are happy..
no one sees your smile ..


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But FART just ONE time....
And everybody knows

Gotcha You thought I was going soft and this was going to be one of those heart-touching stories

 

A primary teacher explains to her class that she is a cardiff fan.
She asks her students to raise their hands if they, too, are cardiff fans.
Everyone in the class raises their hand except one little girl.
The teacher looks at the girl with surprise and says, "Mary, why didn't you raise your hand?"
"Because I'm not a cardiff fan," she replied.
The teacher, still shocked, asked, "Well, if you are not a cardiff fan, then who are you a fan of?"
"I am a swansea fan, and proud of it," Mary replied.
The teacher could not believe her ears.
"Mary, why, pray tell, are you a swansea fan? "
"Because my mum is a swansea fan, and my dad is a swansea fan, so I'm a swansea fan too!"
"Well," said the teacher in an obviously annoyed tone,
"that is no reason for you to be a swansea fan. You don't have to be just like your parents all of the time.
What if your mum was a prostitute and your dad was a drug addict, what would you be then?"
"Then," Mary smiled, "I'd be a cardiff fan."