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JACK-ANORY FOR A FUNNY STORY - Joke Thread & Comedy Club

Discussion in 'Swansea City' started by swimaway, Jun 18, 2011.

Page 6 of 867
  1. Molby's belly

    Molby's belly Member

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    Two fish are in a tank. One says to the other, "How do you drive this thing?"


    Two birds are sat on a perch. One says to the other, "Can you smell fish?"
     
    #101
    Molby's belly, Jul 9, 2011
  2. swantastic

    swantastic Well-Known Member

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    You worried about News of the World is going out of print and to wondering how you can get your weekly supply of Z-List Celebrities, Sleazy Footballers, Criminals & Paedophiles.........Don't worry, Just buy a Cardiff programme!
     
    #102
    swantastic, Jul 9, 2011
  3. swainseye

    swainseye Member

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    I'm unavailable to answer my phone at the moment, so please leave a message and the news of the world will get back to you
     
    #103
    swainseye, Jul 9, 2011
  4. swainseye

    swainseye Member

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    1.Light travels faster than sound.This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
    2. A fine is a tax for doing wrong. A tax is a fine for doing well.
    3. He who laughs last thinks slowest.
    4. A day without sunshine is like… well… night.
    5. Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.
    6. Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don't.
    7. Nothing is foolproof to a sufficiently talented fool.
    8. The 50-50-90 rule: Anytime you have a 50-50 chance of getting something right, there's a 90% probability you'll get it wrong.
    9. It is said that if you line up all the cars in the world end-to-end, someone would be stupid enough to try to pass them.
    10. If the shoe fits, get another one just like it.
    11. The things that come to those who wait may well be the things left by those who got there first.
    12. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach a man to fish and he will sit in a boat all day drinking beer.
    13. Flashlight: A case for holding dead batteries.
    14. The shin bone is a device for finding furniture in the dark.
    15. When you go into court you are putting yourself in the hands of twelve people who weren't smart enough to get out of jury duty.
     
    #104
    swainseye, Jul 9, 2011
  5. swimaway

    swimaway Well-Known Member

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    #105
    swimaway, Jul 9, 2011
  6. Crackerjack

    Crackerjack Active Member

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    What's the worst thing about crotchless panties ? .......... Your balls hang out Lol !!
     
    #106
    Crackerjack, Jul 9, 2011
  7. MabonJack

    MabonJack New Member

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    3 guys are in a bar.

    One says 'I have the longest arms in the world'.

    The second says 'I have the longest legs in the world'.

    The third says 'I am the best guitarist'.

    So they all went to the Guiness world records.

    The first guy walks out satisfied saying 'I have the longest arms in the world'

    The second guy also comes out saying 'I have the longest legs in the world'

    The third storms out of the building aggravated saying 'WHO THE F**K IS JIMMY PAGE?!?!?!?!??!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!
     
    #107
    MabonJack, Jul 9, 2011
  8. swainseye

    swainseye Member

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    One day God was looking down at earth and saw all of the rascally behaviour that was going on. So He called one of His angels and sent the angel to earth for a time.

    When he returned, he told God, "Yes, it is bad on earth; 95% are misbehaving and only 5% are not."

    God thought for a moment and said, "Maybe I had better send down a second angel to get another opinion."

    So God called another angel and sent him to earth for a time.

    When the angel returned he went to God and said, "Yes, it's true. The earth is in decline; 95% are misbehaving, but 5% are being good."

    God was not pleased. So He decided to e-mail the 5% who were good, because he wanted to encourage them, and give them a little something to help them keep going.

    Do you know what the e-mail said?


    please log in to view this image



    Okay, I was just wondering, because I didn't get one either.
     
    #108
    swainseye, Jul 10, 2011
  9. coma cat

    coma cat Member

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    A woman walks into a bar....Didn't you dear!
     
    #109
    coma cat, Jul 12, 2011
  10. coma cat

    coma cat Member

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    Today, I found out I'm infertile, I'm so upset....To think all those times I used a condom when I didn't need to...
     
    #110
    coma cat, Jul 12, 2011

  11. coma cat

    coma cat Member

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    Is there a line that I shouldn't cross or are all jokes fair game on this site?
     
    #111
    coma cat, Jul 12, 2011
  12. coma cat

    coma cat Member

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    My wife said I only hear what I want to hear...

    She then proceeded to compliment me on my superior intellect and penis size.
     
    #112
    coma cat, Jul 12, 2011
  13. coma cat

    coma cat Member

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    Wayne Rooney looked down at his chest and said to Colleen "you thick bitch, we havent won 61 titles"!
     
    #113
    coma cat, Jul 12, 2011
  14. coma cat

    coma cat Member

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    Manchester United's kit for the 2011/12 season has been released.. Black shirts, Black shorts, Black socks and a whistle.
     
    #114
    coma cat, Jul 12, 2011
  15. coma cat

    coma cat Member

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    I h8 da way chavs tlk lke dis all da tme. Then I thought, if they could spell correctly.. they would still be c*nts
     
    #115
    coma cat, Jul 12, 2011
  16. coma cat

    coma cat Member

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    New Technology is dangerous.

    My neck is killing me from leaning back to avoid the cocks while watching 3D porn.
     
    #116
    coma cat, Jul 12, 2011
  17. coma cat

    coma cat Member

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    I apologise in advance for this one....

    Two lesbian vampires are going at it under the covers. One climbs out and says....

    "That was excellent- see you same time next month?"
     
    #117
    coma cat, Jul 12, 2011
  18. swainseye

    swainseye Member

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    (Suggest take with a pinch of salt)

    The following was an actual advertisement in an Irish newspaper.

    Automobile for Sale

    1985 Blue Volkswagen. Only 50 miles.
    Only first gear and reverse ever used.

    Never driven hard.

    Original tires.

    Original brakes.

    Original fuel and oil.

    Only 1 driver.





    please log in to view this image
     
    #118
    swainseye, Jul 12, 2011
  19. swainseye

    swainseye Member

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    Nude Clock


    This is a masterpiece!!!

    This is extremely clever and it does actually work, in BOTH formats!!!!


    And it's actually on YOUR correct time.


    Don’t miss the human clock. Fantastic



    http://lovedbdb.com/nudemenClock/index2.html







    Click anywhere in the clock and it becomes digital, another click and it returns to normal.
     
    #119
    swainseye, Jul 14, 2011
  20. swimaway

    swimaway Well-Known Member

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    I said to my two-year-old son, "Now, what noise does a cat make?"

    He went, "Miaow!"

    "Good, but do you know what noise a dog makes?", I then asked

    "Woof woof!", he replied

    As he was on a roll I responded, "That's right! Now tell me what noise a cow makes?"

    He shouted, "Swimaway, if you even think about going out to that ****ing pub to get pissed and watch football with your friends then you can forget about ever being let back in this house!"
     
    #120
    swimaway, Jul 15, 2011
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