A couple driving home run over a badger. They get out and find that it's still breathing, but freezing cold and barely alive. He says, "Put it between your legs to warm it up." She says, "It's all wet and it stinks, though." He says, "Well hold its ****ing nose, then !"
The wife leans over to me today, and says “ my nipples are as hot today as they were fifty years ago”. I said "they ought to be, ones in your coffee, and the others in your porridge".
The nurse at the sperm bank asked me if I'd like to masturbate in the cup. I said, "Well, I'm pretty good, but I don't think that I'm ready to compete just yet."
Christmas - A holiday where you spend money you don't have to buy people you don't like gifts they won't use.