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JACK-ANORY FOR A FUNNY STORY - Joke Thread & Comedy Club

Discussion in 'Swansea City' started by swimaway, Jun 18, 2011.

  1. swantastic

    swantastic Well-Known Member

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    Jeremy clarkson when he was a little girl !
    Screenshot_20170911-024109.png Screenshot_20170910-235652.png
     
    #1681
  2. swantastic

    swantastic Well-Known Member

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    A large woman wearing a sleeveless sun dress walked into a pub in England. She raised her right arm revealing a huge, hairy armpit as she pointed to all the people sitting at the bar and asked, "What man here will buy a lady a drink?
    The bar went silent as the patrons tried to ignore her. But down at the end of the bar, a bleary-eyed drunk slammed his hand down on the counter and bellowed, "Give the ballerina a drink!
    The bartender poured the drink and the woman chugged it down. She turned to the patrons and again pointed around at all of them revealing the same hairy armpit and asked, "What man here will buy a lady a drink?
    Once again, the same little drunk slapped his money down on the bar and said, "Give the ballerina another drink!"
    The bartender approached the little drunk and said, "I say, old chap, it's none of my business if you want to buy the lady a drink, but why do you keep calling her 'the ballerina' ?"
    The drunk replied, "Any woman who can lift her leg that high has got to be a ballerina.
     
    #1682
  3. kiwiqpr

    kiwiqpr Barnsie Mod

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    #1683
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  4. kiwiqpr

    kiwiqpr Barnsie Mod

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    #1684
  5. seabreeze

    seabreeze Well-Known Member

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    What do you give an elephant with diarrhea ? ... A lot of room .
     
    #1685
  6. swantastic

    swantastic Well-Known Member

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    Ffs why is it that this is the only site that wont upload pics that load everywhere else because it says error file is to large ?
     
    #1686
  7. neveroffsidereff

    neveroffsidereff Well-Known Member

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    The tits must be too big then. :)
     
    #1687
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  8. swantastic

    swantastic Well-Known Member

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  9. 55282

    55282 Well-Known Member

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    Check out @kidd_kong78’s Tweet:
     
    #1689
    kiwiqpr and swantastic like this.
  10. swantastic

    swantastic Well-Known Member

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  11. swantastic

    swantastic Well-Known Member

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  12. swantastic

    swantastic Well-Known Member

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    HEADLINES FROM THE YEAR 2030

    Ozone created by electric cars now killing millions.

    White minorities still trying to have English recognised as the UK's third language.

    Children from two-parent, married, heterosexual families bullied in schools for being 'different'. Tolerance urged.

    Manchester schoolgirl expelled for not wearing a burqa.

    Japan announces that they will no longer consume whale meat as whales are now extinct, and the scientific research fleet are unemployed.


    UK Government tells the Japanese that grey squirrels taste like whale meat.

    Britain now has ten universities of Political Correctness.


    Professor Goldman of LSPC says there is still a long way to go in the fight to stop people saying what they think.

    Britain's deficit £10 trillion and rising. Government declares return to surplus in 100 years which is 300 years ahead of time.


    Prime Minister Mohammed Yousuf claims increased growth through more immigration is the secret to success.

    Baby conceived naturally. Scientists stumped.

    Iran still isolated. Physicists estimate at least ten more years before radioactivity decreases to safe levels.

    France pleads for global help after being taken over by Islamic Countries. No one responds.

    Jose Manuel Rodrigez Bush says he will run for second term as US President in 2032.

    Post Office raises price of stamps to £18 and reduces mail delivery to Wednesdays only
    .

    After a ten-year, £75.8 billion study commissioned by the Labour Party, scientists prove diet and exercise is the key to weight loss.

    Average weight of a British male drops to 18 stone.

    Japanese scientists have created a camera with such a fast shutter speed they can now photograph a woman with her mouth shut.

    Supreme Court rules punishment of criminals violates their civil and human rights. Victims to be held partly responsible for crime.

    Average height of professional basketball players is now nine feet seven inches.

    New law requires that all nail clippers, screwdrivers, fly swatters and rolled-up newspapers must be registered by January 2035 as lethal weapons.

    Inland Revenue sets lowest tax rate in decades at 75 per cent.


    Bradford win FA Cup Final, beating Mogul Marauders 4-0
     
    #1692
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  13. swantastic

    swantastic Well-Known Member

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  14. swantastic

    swantastic Well-Known Member

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  15. kiwiqpr

    kiwiqpr Barnsie Mod

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    A man walks into a bar and orders a drink.
    Suddenly he hears someone say, "Hey, nice face!" The man looks up to try to find out who said it, but no one was around.
    "Hey! Nice arse!" The man looks up again, but there's nobody there.
    "Hey! big muscles!" The man then calls the bartender over and asks him if he keeps talking to him.
    The bartender replies, "It's not me;
    it must be the nuts
    they're complimentary."
     
    #1695
  16. swantastic

    swantastic Well-Known Member

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    A man wanted to get married. He was having trouble choosing among three likely candidates. He gives each woman a present of £5,000 and watches to see what they do with the money.

    The first does a total makeover. She goes to a fancy beauty salon, gets her hair done, new makeup, buys several new outfits and dresses up very nicely for the man. She tells him that she has done this to be more attractive for him because she loves him so much.

    The man was impressed.


    The second goes shopping to buy the man gifts. She gets him a new set of golf clubs, some new gizmos for his computer, and some expensive clothes. As she presents these gifts, she tells him that she has spent all the money on him because she loves him so much.

    Again, the man is impressed.


    The third invests the money in the stock market She earns several times the £5,000. She gives him back his £5,000 and reinvests the remainder in a joint account. She tells him that she wants to save for their future because she loves him so much.

    Obviously, the man was impressed.

    The man thought for a long time about what each woman had done with the money he'd given her.


    Then he married the one with the biggest tits ?
    .......................................................................


    Widdle Wabbit...

    A precious little girl walks into a pet shop and asks, "Excuthe me, do you have any widdle wabbbits?"

    The shopkeeper's heart melts, he gets down onto his knees so that he's on her level, and says, "Do you want a widdle white wabbit or a thoft, fuffy bwack wabbit, or one like that widdle bwown wabbit over there?"

    The little girl blushes, rocks on her heels, puts her hands on her knees, leans forward and whispers... "I don't weally fink my pyfon gives a fwuck !


    Husband Store..

    A store that sells new husbands has opened in Toronto, where a woman may go to choose a husband. Among the instructions at the entrance is a description of how the store operates:

    You may visit this store ONLY ONCE! There are six floors and the value of the products increases as the shopper ascends the flights. The shopper may choose any item from a particular floor, or may choose to go up to the next floor, but you cannot go back down except to exit the building!

    So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband. On the first floor the sign on the door reads:

    Floor 1 - These men Have Jobs

    She is intrigued, but continues to the second floor, where the sign reads:


    Floor 2 - These men Have Jobs and Love Kids.

    'That's nice,' she thinks, 'but I want more.'

    So she continues upward. The third floor sign reads:

    Floor 3 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, and are Extremely Good Looking.

    'Wow,' she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going.

    She goes to the fourth floor and the sign reads:

    Floor 4 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Good Looking and Help With Housework.

    'Oh, mercy me!' she exclaims, 'I can hardly stand it!'
    Still, she goes to the fifth floor and the sign reads:

    Floor 5 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop -dead Gorgeous, Help with Housework, and Have a Strong Romantic Streak.

    She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the sixth floor, where the sign reads:

    Floor 6 - You are visitor 31,456,012 to this floor. There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please. Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store.

    PLEASE NOTE:

    To avoid gender bias charges, the store's owner opened a New Wives store just across the street.

    The first floor has wives that love sex.

    The second floor has wives that love sex and have money and like motorbikes and beer.

    The third, fourth, fifth and sixth floors have never been visited.
     
    #1696
  17. kiwiqpr

    kiwiqpr Barnsie Mod

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    Tail of mouse
    Eye of cat
    Head of newt
    and wing of bat.


    Not Halloween, a list of reasons why the council closed our KFC.
     
    #1697
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  18. swantastic

    swantastic Well-Known Member

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    Dont forget to put your clocks back !
    22789010_1424464200984860_3392151512768740325_n.jpg
     
    #1698
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  19. kiwiqpr

    kiwiqpr Barnsie Mod

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  20. kiwiqpr

    kiwiqpr Barnsie Mod

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    #1700
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