1. Log in now to remove adverts - no adverts at all to registered members!

Off Topic Jokes thread

Discussion in 'Portsmouth' started by devonFRATTONiser, Jan 25, 2015.

Page 1 of 1511
  1. devonFRATTONiser

    devonFRATTONiser Well-Known Member
    Forum Moderator

    Joined:
    Jan 25, 2011
    Messages:
    8,364
    Likes Received:
    3,162
    Ok let's cheer ourselves up with some jokes.

    One or two liners are best as you can remember them to tell at work the next day!




    I went to put some air in my car tyres at the petrol station, only to discover they were now charging 50p.
    When I complained, saying it was free last time, the bloke said -

    "Well that's inflation for you"

    boom boom
     
    #1
    devonFRATTONiser, Jan 25, 2015
    Wooperts_duck and 3rd eye like this.
  2. Channonfodder

    Channonfodder Rebel without a clue.....

    Joined:
    Feb 6, 2011
    Messages:
    5,133
    Likes Received:
    1,949
    A women went into a pub and asked the landlord for a double-entendre...

    So he gave her one.
     
    #2
    Channonfodder, Jan 25, 2015
  3. antipodean exile

    antipodean exile Well-Known Member

    Joined:
    Mar 22, 2012
    Messages:
    29,473
    Likes Received:
    27,648
    Jonathan Ross has been accused of shoplifting a kitchen utensil from Tesco.
    Ross says it was a whisk he was prepared to take.
     
    #3
    antipodean exile, Jan 25, 2015
    Wooperts_duck likes this.
  4. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member
    Staff Member

    Joined:
    Jan 30, 2011
    Messages:
    144,696
    Likes Received:
    263,769
    I was sitting in my car at the cemetry the other day, and saw 4 men carrying a coffin walking round and round the grounds.

    I thought to myself, blimey they've lost the plot....
     
    #4
    Wooperts_duck, Jan 26, 2015
    Makemstine Roger and UTRs like this.
  5. EastneyPFC

    EastneyPFC Well-Known Member

    Joined:
    Feb 3, 2011
    Messages:
    733
    Likes Received:
    350
    Terrible accident at the Specsavers main factory - guy fell into the machinery and made a spectacle of himself
     
    #5
    EastneyPFC, Jan 26, 2015
    Wooperts_duck likes this.
  6. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member
    Staff Member

    Joined:
    Jan 30, 2011
    Messages:
    144,696
    Likes Received:
    263,769
    A mate of mine recently admitted to being addicted to brake fluid.

    When I quizzed him on it he reckoned he could stop any time....
     
    #6
    Wooperts_duck, Jan 26, 2015
    Makemstine Roger and UTRs like this.
  7. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member
    Staff Member

    Joined:
    Jan 30, 2011
    Messages:
    144,696
    Likes Received:
    263,769
    I really never wanted to believe that my Dad stole from his job as a road worker,

    but when I got home, all the signs were there......
     
    #7
    Wooperts_duck, Jan 26, 2015
    Makemstine Roger, sa1nts and UTRs like this.
  8. antipodean exile

    antipodean exile Well-Known Member

    Joined:
    Mar 22, 2012
    Messages:
    29,473
    Likes Received:
    27,648
    A boy asks his granny, 'Have you seen my pills, they were labelled LSD?'
    Granny replies, bugger the pills, have you seen the dragons in the kitchen?!
     
    #8
    antipodean exile, Jan 26, 2015
    Saints_Alive and Wooperts_duck like this.
  9. pompeymeowth

    pompeymeowth Prepare for trouble x
    Staff Member

    Joined:
    Jan 25, 2011
    Messages:
    22,758
    Likes Received:
    12,879
    I put so much petrol in my car the other day, I couldn't get in it!
     
    #9
    pompeymeowth, Jan 27, 2015
    Wooperts_duck likes this.
  10. antipodean exile

    antipodean exile Well-Known Member

    Joined:
    Mar 22, 2012
    Messages:
    29,473
    Likes Received:
    27,648
    There I was sitting at the bar staring at my drink when a great huge trouble-making biker steps up next to me, grabs my drink and gulps it down in one swig.
    "Well, watcha' gonna do about it?" he says menacingly as I burst into tears. "Come on man," the biker says "I didn't think you'd CRY. I cant stand to see a man crying."
    "This is the worst day of my life," I say. " I'm a complete failure. I was late to a meeting and my boss fired me. When I went to the car park I found my car had been stolen and I don't have any insurance. I left my wallet in the cab I took home. I found my wife with another man and then my dog bit me."
    "So I came to this bar to work up the courage to put and end to it all. I buy a drink, I drop a capsule in and sit here watching the poison dissolve, and then you show up and drink the whole thing!
    But that's enough about me, how's your day going?"
     
    #10
    antipodean exile, Jan 27, 2015
    Wooperts_duck likes this.

  11. Saints_Alive

    Saints_Alive Well-Known Member

    Joined:
    May 4, 2011
    Messages:
    29,998
    Likes Received:
    34,448
    #11
    Saints_Alive, Jan 27, 2015
    Wooperts_duck and pompeymeowth like this.
  12. antipodean exile

    antipodean exile Well-Known Member

    Joined:
    Mar 22, 2012
    Messages:
    29,473
    Likes Received:
    27,648
    Due to the current economic crisis, Greece is cancelling all production of Humus and Taramasalata.

    It's a double dip recession.
     
    #12
    antipodean exile, Jan 27, 2015
    Obi Wan and Wooperts_duck like this.
  13. 3rd eye

    3rd eye Well-Known Member

    Joined:
    Jan 25, 2011
    Messages:
    5,603
    Likes Received:
    694
    A visitor to a mental hospital asks the director of the hospital how they define a patient as a case for admittance . The director says we show them a bath full of water and three implements , a teaspoon, a cup and a bucket , we then ask them to empty the bath. I see says the visitor, if they choose the bucket they're sane. No says the director, if they pull the plug out they're sane, where do you want your bed by the wall or the window?
     
    #13
    3rd eye, Jan 28, 2015
    Makemstine Roger and Wooperts_duck like this.
  14. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member
    Staff Member

    Joined:
    Jan 30, 2011
    Messages:
    144,696
    Likes Received:
    263,769
    Apparently, two more stamps, and Diego Costa gets a free coffee.....
     
    #14
    Wooperts_duck, Jan 28, 2015
    Obi Wan, Makemstine Roger and UTRs like this.
  15. saintrichie123

    saintrichie123 Well-Known Member

    Joined:
    Jan 29, 2011
    Messages:
    30,186
    Likes Received:
    34,850
    How many Liverpool fans does it take to change a light bulb?.....

    None......they will all will just talk about how good the old one was....
     
    #15
    saintrichie123, Jan 28, 2015
    Obi Wan and Wooperts_duck like this.
  16. antipodean exile

    antipodean exile Well-Known Member

    Joined:
    Mar 22, 2012
    Messages:
    29,473
    Likes Received:
    27,648
    Paddy says to Mick, "Christmas is on Friday this year". Mick said, "Let's hope it's not the 13th then."
     
    #16
    antipodean exile, Jan 28, 2015
    Wooperts_duck and devonFRATTONiser like this.
  17. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member
    Staff Member

    Joined:
    Jan 30, 2011
    Messages:
    144,696
    Likes Received:
    263,769
    I was reading in the paper today about this dwarf that got pick pocketed.
    How could anyone stoop so low?
     
    #17
    Wooperts_duck, Jan 28, 2015
    Obi Wan, Makemstine Roger and UTRs like this.
  18. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member
    Staff Member

    Joined:
    Jan 30, 2011
    Messages:
    144,696
    Likes Received:
    263,769
    A man has six children and is very proud of his achievement.
    He is so proud of himself, that he starts calling his
    wife,' Mother of Six' in spite of her objections.
    One night, they go to a party. The man decides that it IS time to go home and wants to find out if his wife is ready to leave as well. He shouts at the top of his voice, 'Shall we go home Mother of Six?'
    His wife, irritated by her husband's lack of discretion,
    shouts right back, 'Any time you're ready, Father of Four.'
     
    #18
    Wooperts_duck, Jan 28, 2015
    Makemstine Roger and UTRs like this.
  19. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member
    Staff Member

    Joined:
    Jan 30, 2011
    Messages:
    144,696
    Likes Received:
    263,769
    Paddy decides to take up boxing and goes for the required medical.
    A few days later the doctor phones and says "Paddy, you realise you've got sugar diabetes"
    Paddy says, "Nice one, when do I fight him?"
     
    #19
    Wooperts_duck, Jan 28, 2015
    Makemstine Roger and UTRs like this.
  20. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member
    Staff Member

    Joined:
    Jan 30, 2011
    Messages:
    144,696
    Likes Received:
    263,769
    A flying insect just flew into my kitchen and exploded. I think it was a Jihaddy long legs.
     
    #20
    Wooperts_duck, Jan 29, 2015
    Makemstine Roger, UTRs and devonFRATTONiser like this.
Page 1 of 1511

Share This Page