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Off Topic Jokes thread

Discussion in 'Portsmouth' started by devonFRATTONiser, Jan 25, 2015.

  1. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member
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    #24521
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  2. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member
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  3. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member
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  4. antipodean exile

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  5. antipodean exile

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  6. antipodean exile

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  7. antipodean exile

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  8. antipodean exile

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  9. antipodean exile

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  10. antipodean exile

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  11. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member
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    It’s 1957 and Bobby goes to pick up his date, Peggy Sue. Peggy Sue’s father answers the door and invites him in.
    He asks Bobby what they’re planning to do on the date. Bobby politely responds that they’ll probably just go to the malt shop or to a drive-in movie.
    Peggy Sue’s father suggests, “Why don’t you kids go out and screw? I hear all of the kids are doing it.”
    Bobby is shocked. “Excuse me, sir?”
    “Oh yes, Peggy Sue really likes to screw. She’ll screw all night if we let her.”
    Peggy Sue comes downstairs and announces that she’s ready to go.
    About 20 minutes later, a thoroughly disheveled Peggy Sue rushes back into the house, slams the door behind her, and screams at her father, “Dad! The Twist! It’s called the Twist!”
     
    #24531
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  12. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member
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  13. antipodean exile

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  14. antipodean exile

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  15. antipodean exile

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  16. antipodean exile

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  17. antipodean exile

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  18. antipodean exile

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  19. antipodean exile

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    A man is driving along the road when he realizes he's lost. He stops to ask a passer by.
    "Excuse me, could you help me please? I have a meeting at 2pm, I'm running 30 mins late and I have no idea where I am!"
    "Of course!" said the stranger. "You are in a car, on the A43 heading north, approximately 7miles and 400 metres from the city centre, 40º longitude and 58º latitude."
    "You work for the government, am I right?" Asked the driver.
    "Yes! How did you guess?"
    "Quite simple: everything you just told me is technically correct, but practically useless. I'm still lost, I'm still going to be late, and I have no idea what to do with your information."
    "You are a politician, am I right?" Asks the man on the street.
    "Yes! How did you guess?" replies the driver proudly.
    "Quite simple. You have no idea where you're going, you've made a promise you can't keep and you expect someone else to solve your problem. In fact, you are in exactly the same situation that you were before you stopped to ask me, yet somehow, now it's my fault!"
     
    #24539
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  20. antipodean exile

    antipodean exile Well-Known Member

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    A golfer hits his ball into a yard next to the golf course.
    As he goes to get it a man in the yard says, "Don't you see
    the sign? It says, 'Private property - Stay Out!'"
    The golfer says, "I'm sorry I did not see it. That is my
    ball there. May I have it, please?"
    The man says, "It's in my yard and so it's my ball now."
    The golfer looks at the man and says, "I understand"
    He then walks back to the golf cart, gets another golf ball,
    then walks back and throws it into the yard.
    The man says, "What is that for?"
    The golfer replies,
    "I consider myself a Gentleman, and I
    believe every prick should have two balls."
     
    #24540
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