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Off Topic Jokes thread

Discussion in 'Portsmouth' started by devonFRATTONiser, Jan 25, 2015.

  1. antipodean exile

    antipodean exile Well-Known Member

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    #24541
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  2. antipodean exile

    antipodean exile Well-Known Member

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  3. antipodean exile

    antipodean exile Well-Known Member

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  4. antipodean exile

    antipodean exile Well-Known Member

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  5. antipodean exile

    antipodean exile Well-Known Member

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    Four retired truck drivers are walking down a street in Cooktown. They turned a corner and see a sign that says, Old Timer's Bar - all drinks 10 cents!
    They look at each other, and then go in, thinking this is too good to be true.
    The old bartender says in a voice that carries across the room, 'Come on in and let me pour
    one for you! What'll it be, Gentlemen?'
    There seemed to be a fully-stocked bar, so each of the men ask for a martini.. In short order,
    the bartender serves up four iced Martinis…….. shaken, not stirred, and says, 'That'll be 10 cents each, please.'
    The four men stare at the bartender for a moment. Then look at each other……..they can't
    believe their good luck. They pay the 40 cents, finish their Martinis, and order another round. Again, four excellent Martinis are produced and the bartender again saying,
    'That's 40 cents, please..’
    They pay the 40 cents, but their curiosity is more than they can stand.
    They have each had two Martinis and so far they've spent less than a dollar.
    Finally one of the men says, 'How can you afford to serve Martinis as good as these for a 10 cents each?'
    'I'm a retired tailor from Sydney,' the bartender said, 'and I always wanted to own a bar. Last year I hit the Lottery for $25 million and decided to open this place. Every drink costs ten cents - wine, liquor, beer, it's all the same.'
    Wow!!!! That's quite a story,' says one of the men.
    The four of them sipped at their Martinis and couldn't help but notice seven other people at the end of the bar who didn't have drinks in front of them, and hadn't ordered anything the whole time they were there. One man gestures at the seven at the end of the bar without drinks and asks the bartender, 'What's with them?'
    The bartender says, 'Oh, they're all grey nomads from the caravan park, waiting for happy hour when drinks are half price.'
     
    #24545
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  6. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member
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    My 4-year-old grandson has been learning
    Spanish all year and he still can't say
    the word please.

    Which I think is poor for four.
     
    #24546
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  7. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member
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  8. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member
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    This story happened a while ago in Dublin, and even though it sounds like an Alfred Hitchcock tale, its said to be true!
    John Bradford, a Dublin University student, was on the side of the road hitchhiking on a very dark night and in the midst of a big storm.
    The night was rolling on and no car went by. The storm was so strong he could hardly see a few feet ahead of him. Suddenly, he saw a car slowly coming towards him and stopped. John, desperate for shelter and without thinking about it, got into the car and closed the door, only to realise there was nobody behind the wheel and the engine wasn't on.
    The car started moving slowly. John looked at the road ahead and saw a bend approaching. Scared, he started to pray, begging for his life. Then, just before the car hit the bend, a hand appeared out of nowhere through the window and turned the wheel. John, paralysed with terror, watched as the hand came through the window, but never touched or harmed him.
    Shortly thereafter John saw the lights of a pub appear down the road, so, gathering strength, he jumped out of the car and ran to it. Wet and out of breath, he rushed inside and started telling everybody about the horrible experience he had just had.
    A silence enveloped the pub when everybody realised he was crying and.... wasn't drunk.
    Suddenly, the door opened, and two other people walked in from the dark and stormy night. They, like John, were also soaked and out of breath. Looking around, and seeing John Bradford sobbing at the bar, one said to the other...
    “Look Paddy, there's that ****ing idiot that got in the car while we were pushing it!”
     
    #24548
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  9. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member
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    My girlfriend said if I don’t do page 7 of the Kama Sutra she will leave me.

    It put me in a very difficult position.
     
    #24549
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  10. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member
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  11. Wooperts_duck

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  12. Wooperts_duck

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    The Methodist Church and the Spiritual Church are merging and will now be known as The Methylated Spirits
     
    #24552
  13. antipodean exile

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  14. antipodean exile

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  15. antipodean exile

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  16. antipodean exile

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  17. antipodean exile

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  18. antipodean exile

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  19. antipodean exile

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  20. antipodean exile

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